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  2. Wee Jum

    A Joke

    Not sure if this has been posted before How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral... _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.:)#
  3. Bibliogryphon

    A Joke

    I like number 4
  4. Today
  5. the_engineer

    A Joke

    2 and 6 are my favourite.
  6. Toast

    A Joke

    Most of these are great, but I would have put the winner in 10th place.
  7. Cat O'Falk

    A Joke

    The top 10 jokes at this year's Edinburgh Fringe: Olaf Falafel I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets. Richard Stott Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy." Milton Jones What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh. Jake Lambert A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. That's 20 cows'. Ross Smith A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it. Ross Smith Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning. Adele Cliff I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it. Richard Pulsford After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging. Mark Simmons To be or not to be a horse rider, that is equestrian. Ivo Graham I've got an Eton-themed Advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts.
  8. YoungWillz

    Hollywood Possibilities

    Poor old Freda Dowie is dead: https://www.familynotices24.co.uk/edt/view/4699300/freda-mary-thompson-ne-dowie The Times posted her hubby's obit earlier this year, I was rather hoping she'd last until 2020. IMDB: https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0235782/
  9. Bibliogryphon

    The Joker's Dead Pool 2019

    Kathleen Blanco at hit for me here.
  10. maryportfuncity

    The Hartlepool Deadlypool

    Sterling and important work completed here and congrats commendations to DI and congrats to DC. Obviously, the band of winners and former winners of the HDPD is a dead pooling niche elite frequented by only the most skilful, or summat. Then again, as a former winner my dismal performance last year suggests losing a touch is way easier than finding it in this most demanding of dead pools!
  11. Spade_Cooley

    Wrestlers/actors

    Assuming he'll be a pall bearer, Corny will finally be able to "put that motherfucker in a box".
  12. redrumours

    49. Ginger Baker

    Unbelievable, but true!
  13. msc

    Wrestlers/actors

    Spade Cooleys favourite band of renegades met up at the weekend: Left to right - Bobby Eaton, Dennis Condrey, Jim Cornette, Randy Rose, Stan Lane. Or both of the classic Midnight Expresses. Bobby Eaton looks better than he has in a long time. Condrey, however, has struggled with throat cancer in recent years and is sporting the "I'll be dead in 2 years" look.
  14. The Dead Cow

    The Hartlepool Deadlypool

    Well, I never thought I would ever win this competition and I certainly wouldn't have if not for the massive favour provided by Vanessa Marquez and the South Pasadena police. So, cheers Nessa, this one's for you.
  15. redrumours

    Internet Celebrities

    Never heard of it. My first impression was because he's on leave. Piers Morgan?
  16. Ulitzer95

    Political Frailty

    No. It’s the same person who has repeatedly killed him off before. As well as others like Douglas and de Havilland. Probably someone who comes on here, sees people react to it and who really needs to get a life.
  17. Spade_Cooley

    Internet Celebrities

    So fucking bizarre.... this guy (well, girl now) was a lolcow when I was still at university. Now I'm in my late 30s and they're still providing content.
  18. theoldlady

    ABC Deadpool III

    Sorry.
  19. Bibliogryphon

    The Dead of 2019

    I'll just pop that under the electron microscope.
  20. Joey Russ

    Alt Obituaries Deadpool

    A whopping 23 teams picked Blanco in Alt Obits!
  21. Book

    49. Ginger Baker

    80 today
  22. CoffinLodger

    Political Frailty

    Is it possible this person knows something no one else knows ? If it's fake they've gone to some lengths to fake it because his wikipedia page has been totally changed to make it look like he's died. Could it be true ?
  23. Sir Creep

    Political Frailty

    . Deleted
  24. Drewsky1211

    Political Frailty

    Didn't know that before. Thanks for the update.
  25. Joey Russ

    Political Frailty

    90% sure it’s fake, considering it’s the same person who put his death with the source of the fake news generator earlier today.
  26. Drewsky1211

    Political Frailty

    Former President of Mexico Luis Echeverria has died at 97.
  27. the_engineer

    Internet Celebrities

    Looks like he's developed split personality disorder aswell.
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