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I can't wait for the paralympics. Especially the wheelchair basketball, armless archery and women's football

well we've got a politcian who looks like a foetus...................William Hague

Has The Sun morphed overnight into the Daily Sport?!

A week to go, so let's reactivate this super-fantastique Lisa Simpson blowjob thread. As a Londoner, I'll be... dutifully watching weightlifting on TV while not venturing onto the streets or transport system till at least the middle of August. I'll float the spread of Olympic-related deaths at 12 to 15; I just hope they get to fire those missile thingies from that pikey tower block at some point.

Do magazines really have to add "Alive" to "Sexiest Woman", or am I just grossly underestimating the number of necrophiliacs in the world?

Like it kept Paula Yates going!!!

Think Pete Doherty with unlimited resources. Drug-addled, police-hassled, newly wifeless and generally lacking in focus beyond the next fix. News-worthy (deffo) and obit-worthy (hmmm). Hell, anyone who'd wilfully ignore the stiffening corpse of his spouse and use a cocaine bender to dull the pain is our kinda guy, right? Latest is that he's facing charges. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-18892046

I wish she'd hurry up and bite the big one. My "Ding dong the bitch is FINALLY gone" party has been planned for years and the champagne is well chilled at this stage

Q: What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jeremy Clarkson? A: Clarkson still does top gear.

They knew she was dead when the cops drew a white line round her body and she failed to get up and snort it! Amy Winehouse bumps into lady Diana at the pearly gates and amy says to her 'why is your halo black?" Diana replies "you must still be off your face darling, it's a ****in steering wheel" Whilst at the pearly gates Amy is at the back of a long queue ,St Peter beckons her forward. Amy gets to the front and asks about the special treatment. St Peter says "its ok we are just waiting on a Norwegian translator for this lot."

Does battling bowel cancer involve fisting?