Leaderboard

Fortunately I live in England where such vulgar expressions would be seen as evidence of the speaker being mentally deficient (or American). Two equally frightful possibilities.

Now... if,... you're...anything...like...me...you're...probably...wondering...if...*pushes glasses up nose*... this...guest post...was...true. Well...let...me...tell..you...it...wasn't.

That's German with a strong Hungarian accent. It translates to: "Do you want to go to my place -- bouncy-bouncy?" regards, Hein

There is a giant turd in Nick Owen's chair!

If nothing else, they at least provide a point of focus for all the fucktards and cuntmonkeys. It gives them a harmless hobby. That's Aspergers for you.

The lead story in your super soaraway this morning is that our Jezza has been battling a "toxic" tumour in his nutsack. Would be a shame to see such a talented, well-meaning man pass away before his time, I'm sure we'd all agree.

Isn't he toxic all over?

Surely there is a separate thread for deaths of rare pygmies? There's a separate thread for everything else it seems.

WHO?

THREAD OF THE CENTURY SO FAR!! Get me the producers of The Undateables on the phone now, we are fuckin' TV gold in waiting, official!!

I'm completely fine apart from the fact that i suffer from 1. Major Depression 2. Acne 3. Some difficulty breathing 4. A swollen lymph node which I have had for about 6 months now so I should probably get that checked 5. Underweight 6. And often i get conjunctivitis As for family, one of my grandparents died before I was even born, one died aged 74 of pneumonia and the other died aged 78 of a stroke. The other one is still alive but he is deaf as a post. Apart from that i'm completely fine

Hmmmm. 1. My back is fooked ( spondyoloisthesis) which wouldnt be too disasterous If I was an office jockey but its not too good when you have a physical job like mine. 1A. Sciatica ( see above) 2. Arthritis in my right hand ( its ok, I dont do that no more anyway) 3. Eyesight is finally going shit. I need reading glasses but cant be arsed. 4. I dont sleep well 5. Im prone to headaches 6. Knees are shagged. Actually had an old lady help my up when i couldnt get up because of the pain in them ( job related, Im not a beggar) 7. Hair loss. Im more Jason Statham than, erm Hair Bear 8.T.B.A Im hurtling towards 50, somethings bound to come up. Family history: High blood pressure, premature death and my Dad had a quadruple bypass in 2006, he is only 70 now so that was a mega shock. Live your life.

I know Dr.Harold Shipman was in the prison boxing team due to his "lethal jab"

I am perfect in every way. Apart from the delusions.

OH MY GOD what a brilliant thread! Well, where to start...... 1) Insomnia 2) Depression spiralling into quite severe bouts of mental illness 3) Left leg broken twice within 6 months leading to long term pain and walking like I've shit my pants 4) Hay fever 5) Migraines on a weekly basis 6) BMI of 38.9 at 5 ft 1 inch which I think puts me in the 'FAT FUCKER' range. 7) Started smoking at age 13, gave up at 20, started again at age 23, gave up at age 24, started again at age 34, gave up at age 36, started again at age 37, gave up again at age 38......now age 39........ 8) Sometimes I get this really annoying twitch in my eyelid 9) And I get really big bogeys 10) Family history - not that bad really apart from sister dying of brain tumour at age 43 - dad and brother have asthma, three out of four grandparents still alive (albeit two are demented as fuck and one had a massive stroke last year) So actually, apart from being a massive blubbering mound of lard, it doesn't look too bad! Jessica Ennis can suck my balls!

I am very healthy. I don't live very healthy but I am, I don't know why. Wait: I'm a vegetarian since the age of 14. I don't exercise. Never. I used to smoke for nearly 16 years but quit smoking 7 months ago (just to test if I can stop it. It still works!!) Sometimes i wish I have... whatever. Just stay at home for a week or two, beeing a little sick. But I'm not.

Wasn't Horsfall what paralyzed Christopher Reeve?

My dad's parents lived great lives (grandma still alive nearly 84, grandpa died at 86) while my mom's died pretty young. I didn't really know the latter's but I heard that at least the mom smoked a lot. Also I'm on the tubby side.

I suffer from keratoconus - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keratoconus. So my eyes are a funny shape and this makes me have terrible eye sight, I am supposed to wear contacts but I start work at 6:30am and I normally don't get up early enough to put them in, so I walk around blind for most of the day I have eczema on my left shin and nowhere else. The doctors don't have a clue why its just there In the winter months I have very little moisture in my hands and my hands have been described as one work colleague as "like the sahara" because they are so dry I'm a right fat bastard Snore very loudly, apparently. It's fine as it doesn't bother me :-) My grandparents all lived to a descent age and my parents are a decent age. No major illnesses detected in my family.yet.

If you line up my parents and granparents (metaphorically because none of them remain alive) a combination of heart attacks and cancer accounted for all of them and the average age on death of the lot of them suggests I might not live to see retirement. Apart from that I'm carrying no major life-threateners (so far as I know), used to run marathons, still run half-marathons and don't abuse my body too badly, despite a steady stream of beer at DLCons and football matches. So, you never know, I might see 70!

Top marks Mind Mush. This is fine thread to start off the inner obsessiveness in quite a few of us. 1. Fairly sure my odd heart beat every now and then is a precursor to something like a heart attack. HA Took my dad at age 64. 2. My mum had bowl cancer at age 56 and her dad died of it aged 65. So that runs in the family and I bet I'll have to keep my mind open to that. 3. Asthma. Just slight but it's there after lots of strenuous work. 4. Because of #3, I often can't shake of those flu bugs. 5. Still get a few zits at 46. So have too eat better than most. 6. Because of #5 and because I don't exercise enought because of #7, I'm overweight (17 stone) 7. Bad back. Stemmed from a fall on an icey pavement. Really does go click. 8. Thinning hair line. That's down to my body producing to too much Testosterone. 9. Uneven front teeth that really should have had braces and need implant things. 10 Hypercondria... I could go further, but I've got to go to work...

Yes, but does Simon fit Lesley's?

While Queen Elizabeth reigns on and on, there is speculation that Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands is about to announce her abdication! Looks like Hein will have a new King soon. :-P

I hate to think of the population explosion caused by Stan Lee's death. Future generations of nerds might actually get laid without the natural prophylactic that is a Marvel t-shirt. I don't think our current infrastructure can handle that.

Read a mag...........