An Open Apology to my 16-year old Niece of no Discernible Talent, Beauty, Intelligence or Good Character.
You were right and I was wrong.
Do you remember that talk your adoptive mother asked your Aunty and I to have with you? You remember, when you were truanting from school, insulting your family, screaming at your friends, getting arrested, shagging around and generally wasting the best opportunity your short life had offered you.
You must remember, we told you that to get anywhere in life, you had to shape up and knuckle down to some work, whether that be at school, through the ample opportunities your adoptive parents had offered for tuition in art, drama or music, by learning a skill that would bring you the admiration and respect of others, or by sheer hard graft like your adopted father?
You told us that you didn't need to bother, because all you had to do to be 'A Celebrity' was 'Go on X-Factor' despite my protestations that the sort of talent needed to win a show such as that was only possible through practice and dedication.
When told that your Aunty had had to study for 5 years for her course at RADA, and then suffer years of rejections before getting parts in TV drama, and that I had to practice scales for hours before I got good enough to release records, you said that you wouldn't need to bother with that, Celebrities just happen, you know.
You were right.
So go on f*****g up your life, go on the game again, turn every slight and insult into a full-blown screaming drama of hate and bile because you were right.
You obviously don't need to work towards any talent or skill any more, Celebrities do just happen.
And thank you, Jade Goody, a true role model for the teenagers of today. Sleep well with the Angles.