The Happy Reaper

And Edinburgh City have won promotion to the fourth tier of the Scottish Professional Football League, beating East Stirlingshire 2-1 on aggregate in the playoff. The question in the capital now is which club will get to the Premiership first - City or Hibs?

The BBC finally has it... http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-36295621

Two women heard about a new matrimonial agency which had opened in town, and decided to pay it a visit. They found it was housed in an impressive-looking multi-storey building, so they went inside and paid their joining fees at the reception desk. The receptionist explained the rules to them: they could take the lift up to any of the floors, and they could get off on any floor, but they were not allowed to return to any lower floor once they had left it. This seemed simple enough, so the women took the lift up to the first floor. The doors opened on what looked like a standard office corridor: walls painted a dull cream colour and green carpet tiles on the floor. Opposite the lift was a door behind which they could hear the murmur of voices and laughter. The door had a sign which read: THE MEN ON THIS FLOOR ARE HIGHLY INTELLIGENT. The women considered this for a moment but concluded that the sign did not give any indication of what the men looked like, and not wanting to get involved with a room full of nerds with thick glasses, they pressed the button for the second floor. This time the lift doors opened on a corridor with some fairly standard wallpaper, though a little faded-looking and proper carpeting. The sign on the door opposite read: THE MEN ON THIS FLOOR ARE HIGHLY INTELLIGENT AND GOOD LOOKING. This was more tempting but one of the women had heard about body-builders with huge muscles but tiny cocks so they decided not to bother with this one either. They pressed the button for the third floor. The decor on this floor was more impressive: a carpet with a lovely pattern and nicer wallpaper. Opposite the lift was the now-familiar door, and the sign on this one read: THE MEN ON THIS FLOOR ARE HIGHLY INTELLIGENT, GOOD-LOOKING AND WELL-ENDOWED. Well, this sounded quite promising but the women noticed that the sign gave nothing away about the men's personalities. There was no point in getting into a relationship with a man resembling a Greek god if he was abusive. So they pressed the button for the fourth floor. Here the doors opened on a corridor with a thick shagpile carpet and flock wallpaper like you might find in an expensive restaurant. The door opposite had a sign reading: THE MEN ON THIS FLOOR ARE HIGHLY INTELLIGENT, GOOD-LOOKING, WELL-ENDOWED AND KIND & GENTLE. Well, this was clearly the best yet, but the women noticed that the sign did not indicate if the men had any money. As neither of them wanted to be the family breadwinner they decided to move on to the fifth floor. The carpet here was so thick that you could lose your wristwatch if you dropped it, and what looked like genuine original artwork on the walls. The sign on the door read: THE MEN ON THIS FLOOR ARE HIGHLY INTELLIGENT, GOOD-LOOKING, WELL-ENDOWED, KIND & GENTLE AND INDEPENDENTLY WEALTHY. Well, this was the best yet! But the women had worked out that the higher up they went, the more desirable the men seemed to be. And they hadn't got to the top yet - there was one more floor to go! Unable to imagine what might be waiting for them, they pressed the button for the top floor. The lift doors opened on a dingy corridor with a bare cement floor. There was no door opposite; only a sign which read: THERE ARE NO MEN ON THIS FLOOR. HOWEVER YOU HAVE PROVED THAT NO MATTER HOW APPEALING THE SITUATION, WOMEN ARE NEVER SATISFIED. PLEASE USE THE FIRE-ESCAPE TO EXIT THE BUILDING. THANK YOU FOR YOUR CUSTOM.

Isn't that... a suicide?

And with Dundee United down as well they'll be struggling next season too.

Kate must have a hangover - she's wearing one of those American-style ice-pack hats!

Dear God, that looks like Jimmy Savile!

Ah, Hollyoaks and Brookside. The two biggest piles of soap shit ever invented, even El Dorado was better than those two steaming piles of utter cockspaff. <cough>Triangle</cough>

Apparently the original plan was to attack a supporters' coach, not the team bus - but then they realised that all the Man U supporters live locally and would be coming by Tube.

You mean it gives them more time to get the bribe money together. Don't worry, the Russian linesman hasn't been born yet.. The new goal line technology would have proved it crossed the line. Would it fuck, computer modelling proved years ago it was never a goal Not to mention the fourth one, "scored" in the middle of a pitch invasion...

Little Johnny and his granddad were sitting in the garden when Johnny spotted a worm on the ground. He picked it up and said, "Granddad, if I can push this worm back into the earth, will you give me a fiver?" "All right," says Granddad. Johnny rushes into the house and comes back with a can of his mother's hairspray. He sprays several thick coats all over the worm until it's rigid then pushes it into the earth like a nail. Granddad is impressed and gives Johnny the fiver, then goes into the house. Twenty minutes later he comes back out and gives Johnny another fiver. "But Granddad," says Johnny. "You already gave me the fiver!" "I know," says Granddad. "That one's from your grandmother!"

For anyone who has tried phoning a technical support helpdesk...

That joke would work better if they were to lose the cup final against Palace. If Man United do win the cup, they will do the traditional open-top bus tour through the city to show it off to their cheering fans. The Metropolitan Police are already planning which streets to close.

Did you know that the toothbrush was invented in Norfolk? Think about it - anywhere else and it would have been called a 'teethbrush'.

His daughter has just brought out a book about him, maybe that's why.

The Obamas and House Windsor are obviously reptilians. You are David Icke AICMFP.

All good luck to Leicester today, but as might be expected a lot of residents of the city who've never been to a game in their lives have jumped on the supporting bandwagon:

A blonde walked into a garage and said to the mechanic, "Have you got a seven-ten, please?" "A what?" the mechanic replied. "A seven-ten," said the blonde. "The one from my engine is missing and I need a replacement!" The mechanic scratched his head. "Look, miss, I've been a mechanic for twenty years and I've never heard of a seven-ten. Can you describe it?" The blonde said, "It's a little round thing with 'seven-ten' stamped on the top. I don't know what it does, but it's disappeared from my engine." The mechanic said, "Come through to the back and have a look at the engine I'm working on. See if you can find the seven-ten in there and point it out to me." They went through to the service section where a car was sitting with its bonnet open. The blonde studied the engine for a moment then let out a squeal of delight. "There it is!" she said, pointing.

I believe he went rapidly downhill just before he died.

Yeah but in those days she was a modern girl, catching the morning train and working 9 to 5. I preferred this version.

I can handle it. Sometimes I can go days without creating a list....... I'm fine, I really am. Would it help if you wrote down all the dates where you don't create one?

Lot of non-Brits being suggested here - surely they don't count as 'National Treasures'? Not ours, anyway.

The Aston Villa forward line hasn't been seen for months...

I see what you're getting at. Prince was sort of the black Michael Jackson.

You may be thinking of the incident a few years back when he walked into a wall in his hotel room and broke his nose. With anybody else that would be a relatively minor injury, but...