TQR

Formula 1 has been hit, too; the Bahrain Grand Prix will go ahead but without spectators later this month, and there’s questions about the inaugural Vietnam GP a few weeks later. This comes after the Chinese GP was cancelled.

A facility in London will pay £3,500 to infect you with Coronavirus for research purposes.

‘Best in show’ winner at Crufts shows she deserves the win in her victory parade. Shame, really; the accolade should’ve gone to this dog here for his incredible agility run.

Can't find any death notice for him?

Hope all's good PB. Keep us posted. Get a home delivery of 400 loo rolls and 90 litres of soap just incase.

‘Tremendous Knowledge’ David Rainford, off of BBC2’s Eggheads and very imaginative nicknames, dead at 51. If you haven’t heard of Eggheads, it’s a quiz show for people who don’t necessarily want to be entertained.

Quite. So what you're saying is that it's pretty much under control, so there's no need whatsoever for any doomsday scenarios and far-fetched comparisons with the plague. EDIT: Future TQR again. It felt under control, but it really wasn’t. Sorry.

That's genius, you've cracked it; we should try and curb the infection! Look, as a percentage, very, very, very few people in the world will get it. And very few of those who get it will die. And very few of those who die will have been otherwise healthy before they contracted the virus. This will all pass soon. The majority of people who've caught a touch of the Coronas have already recovered and are back at work, wondering what all the fuss is about. We know the score when it comes to reducing the risk of catching something contagious, much like when bird flu was rife we didn't need telling not to bowl about using dead pigeons as flannels. All we need telling is to stop panicking and have some common sense. Wash your hands, don't cough over everything like a scummy fucker and just go about your day, preferably without doing silly things like panic buying 240 loo rolls, french kissing infected people, predicting the world's going to end or reading The Sun. EDIT: Hello, this is TQR coming from almost three years in the future. Yeah, hi. I’m good thanks. Erm, so this post did not age terribly well. Eight weeks after posting this, I nearly died of “a touch of the Coronas”. The virus mutated horribly and many, many governments did not respond in time or to the degree that scientists urged them to. Matt Hancock, for one, let it into care homes and killed tens of thousands of nans and grandads. At least 6.7m people died globally, and they’re just the reported ones. To my credit, my opinion changed very quickly after this post. It was a weird time back then, and I suppose there was a modicum of not wanting to believe what this thing could mean. Believe it or not, some wacko cranks still think it’s a myth, and that vaccines which curbed serious cases and transmission rates (even where restrictions were dropped like no fucks were given) are some kind of NWO bollocks. Thankfully, normality has pretty much been restored in most parts of the world, though many remain scarred, bereaved and anxiety-riddled as a result. Our nurses, doctors, healthcare assistants etc are considered heroes by all but the most virulent and sociopathic of Tory supporting arseholes. Oh yeah, and speaking of them, they partied while you locked yourself away and missed your loved ones’ funerals. But you could’ve predicted that. Anyway, I digress; the point of this additional bit of info from the future is to mark what I said back then as utter drivel. It is an admission of almost total wrongness, and I apologise profusely for it.

"Disease the rhythm of the night"?

That's more like it.

This sounds like the sort of asinine, hysteria-stirring subheading you might find in the fucking Daily Mirror. It's a fucking big 'if'. Now calm down, people. EDIT: Future TQR here. ‘If’ scenario happened. Sorry. More on the next page.

Warren's so useless, she'll probably now endorse Tulsi Gabbard.

After the Coronavirus was named as one of the reasons for FlyBe’s collapse, other airlines around the world have said they’re not taking any chances.

Got my Joker in nice and early in the year to confirm how disastrously bad this will go for me.

15th March for Round 2.

Back to me old mucker, Hau Pei-tsun please!

Smith, off of Rugby.

Tad late, but my predictions for Round 2: Skinny Kiltrunner V JiroemonKimura: Close one. Tied on points with Skinny winning the tiebreak, once again. Grobler V John Key: I seriously doubt Tom Smith is much longer for this world, so the Kiwi ex-PM will get it. The Engineer V Grim Up North: GUN's picks look more frail at the moment. YoungWillz V Wormfarmer: YW has plenty of interesting punts but it's more likely to go Wormy's way. Bibliogryphon V msc: Our host-emeritus has a stronger (frailer) looking team. Torva Messor V gcreptile: The Reptile has a habit of picking people I've never fucking heard of. And I'm willing to believe they've only got hours to live. Banana V Spade_Cooley: Interesting. Few names (and joker) in common. Could be very tight. I'll go Banana just to see him get pissed off at being in yet another extremely difficult draw. The Quim Reaper V Deathray: Fuck. Deathers. More chance of plaiting my own piss than winning. Ever. Arse burgers. maryportfuncity V Deadsox: MPFC, based on my belief that T Smith off of rugby is about to cark. theoldlady V DeathByArsenic: A few on DBA's team I've never heard of. I'm gonna say theoldlady to show solidarity to fellow deadpoolers who pick reasonably common-knowledge names, though this is a bit of a shit prediction as I don't necessarily believe it. An Fear Beag V alt obits guy: I'm gonna give the win to An Fear Beag, and the missing 'e' in his name too. DevonDeathTrip V Book: Could easily go either way so I'll say DDT as I beat Book last year so he must be shit Sir Creep V Joey Russ: He's only here by default, but this will be a legit win for the Creep. Captain Chorizo V HDS: Don't know. Tossed a coin and it told me HDS. Death Impends V Etushispushingupdaisies: Etushithishiutuihssihsihiutishi had a mare in the randomiser. DI. Clorox Bleachman V FixedBusiness: I'll go Clorox based on a strong start.

Italy could be about to shut all schools and colleges for 2 weeks after a 24 hour period full of people dying. (Death roll now at 80)

Bloomberg, the poor soul, has spent over half a billion of his very own dollars on his campaign and the only thing he got out of it is American Samoa. Hats off to his comedy writer, that’s absolute gold!

Forth Bridge is trending on Twitter, and for a brief moment I thought it perhaps alluded to that Operation. Nah. Just the bridge’s birthday. Twitter never fails to disappoint.

Collins still sounds croaky and looks like a bag of bollocks, but nethertheless he’s joining Banks and Rutherford on a new Genesis tour.

Looks like Sanders is going to win in Cali, it’s close in Maine and Texas with Biden just having the edge so far. Bloomberg said to be “re-evaluating his campaign”. EDIT: Biden wins Texas.

Progressive candidate Elizabeth Warren even came a very distant third in her home state. She’s done. All eyes on Tulsi; one delegate so far!