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Typhoid Harry

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Everything posted by Typhoid Harry

  1. http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=stor...festyle_britain
  2. Typhoid Harry

    Tragic Irony

    Cannot believe the headline... http://www.cnn.com/2004/US/09/24/missing.exec.ap/index.html (This is the company's primary product line: http://www.saralee.com/saraleebrand/divisi...ivision=dessert )
  3. Typhoid Harry


    Kinda curious as to the actual mix, since the clear majority here are from the UK and I'm not, and I've noticed some references to other countries; so, where's everyone from? I should go first, I suppose: I'm born and raised in California, USA (the Silicon Valley) and I've lived all over the world, but I always seem to end up back here.
  4. Typhoid Harry

    Suicide By Chainsaw

    This takes determination. More at link, above. Think Black and Decker will want his endorsement?
  5. Typhoid Harry

    Language Barrier

  6. Typhoid Harry

    Oh The Irony

    (Slow day at the office...) Speaking of obits, this from New Yorker magazine. Supposedly, all of the death references are true. A PRAYER by PAUL SIMMS Issue of 2004-07-05 Lord? Please don’t let me die in a funny way. Like being beaten to death with a shoe. Especially not my own shoe. And, if it absolutely has to be my own shoe, I’d rather not be wearing it at the time. Or like choking on my own fist during a bar bet. Perhaps I should clarify a little. I do know that I’m going to die someday. (Maybe soon! That’s Your call.) And I know there’s nothing funny about death—at least, that’s the current thinking from this side. I’m just asking to not die in a way that leads people who don’t know me to e-mail one another news items about my death. For instance: Please don’t let me get so fat that paramedics have to come to my house and cut out a wall to remove me but then bang my head against a load-bearing pillar in the process, thus killing me. Please don’t let me die on or near or—perhaps worst of all—because of a toilet. (This includes a urinal or a baseball-stadium-style urine trough, in addition to a standard commode.) Please don’t let my death in any way involve one of those giant inflatable rats that union protesters put up outside non-union job sites. Or a blimp of any kind. Until I see some evidence to the contrary, I’m going to have to say that my dying because of just about anything inflatable would be something I’d rather avoid. A hot-air balloon, I guess, would be O.K., but only if I’m actually in the balloon at the time. At least that would be kind of rugged and outdoorsy. What I’m trying to say is: if someone else’s hot-air balloon falls out of the sky and smothers me while I’m lying in a hammock reading Hot Air Balloon Enthusiast magazine, I’m going to be a little pissed. I apologize for that language, Lord, but I’m just trying to be honest with You. A vehicular accident? Fine. Bring it on. I understand that, statistically, there’s a pretty good chance of that happening anyway. Just please don’t let it involve a moped. Or a go-kart. Also, I’d prefer not to die in a head-on collision with someone who—against all odds—has the same name as me. Or anyone named, for instance, Roger Crash. Or Ed Oncollision. Or Jennifer Safedriver. I could go on, but I think You get the point. I’m sure You get this one a lot, but: please don’t let me die during sex. Unless the technical cause of my death is a heart attack or a stroke. If I have to die during sex, please don’t make the cause of death any of the following: extreme dehydration, a previously undiagnosed allergy to fruit-scented or “massage” oils, dermatological complications arising from severe rug burn, or anything involving the use or misuse of any object best described as “foreign.” Please don’t let me die in a way that allows the Post to run a small item about my death on page 12 or 13 or so under the headline “dude, where’s my corpse?” Or “dumb and deader.” Or “dead and deader.” Or “the house of sand and dead.” Or “j. lo’s latest nuptials postponed due to lethal tent-raising mishap.” Please don’t let me cut my own head off while trying to revive the lost Scouting pastime of mumblety-peg. I would have to consider any fatality involving a prolapsed anus, of course, absolutely beyond the pale. I mean, come on, Lord. Also—and I’m not trying to split hairs with You, Lord—when I ask You to not let me die in a funny way, I also mean please don’t let me die in a noteworthily ironic way. Meaning: whether my death is “ha-ha” funny or the other kind of funny, neither of those is what I’m in the market for. For instance, please don’t let me go on a Sleepwalkers Anonymous Outward Bound-type retreat and sleepwalk into a canyon or gorge in the middle of the night. And, if You deem it necessary (or just amusing) to take my mind before You take my body, let’s try to keep the progressive dementia noble and epically sad rather than comical. For example: please let the last face I recognize be the photograph of a long-lost high-school girlfriend and not one of the plucky toddlers from the animated show “Rugrats.” In my final moments, let me awaken—apparently lucid—in the pre-dawn hours calling out for a kiss on the forehead from a dead great-aunt rather than from the mustachioed black bartender on “The Love Boat.” Or from the actor who played him, for that matter. Even if I don’t die in a funny way, I’d still rather not die on the same day as some other person who does die in a funny way. Because I don’t want any version of the following conversation to occur between my friends: Friend One: Did you read his obituary? Friend Two: Yeah. Nice piece. Friend One: Very nice. Friend Two: He would have liked it. Friend One: That he would have. That he would have. (Awkward silence.) Friend Two: Did you see that other obituary about the banana wholesaler who actually slipped on the— Friend One: Yeah. You couldn’t make that up! Well, that’s about it, Lord. Actually—as long as I’ve got You, let me just mention a few final ways for me to die that may or may not seem funny to You, depending on Your sense of humor. I would rather be burned beyond all recognition than burned almost beyond all recognition, especially if the pictures are going to end up on the Internet. If some kind of rare organism eats away at my body from the inside, please let it be microscopic. Or just slightly larger than microscopic. Let’s put it this way: if it’s big enough to have a face, that would be too big. Thank You for Your time, Lord. (Also: Ted Lange. That’s the name of the actor who played the bartender on “The Love Boat” whose name I couldn’t remember before. I Googled him for You, Lord. Which has got to count for something, right?)
  7. Typhoid Harry

    Julia Child

    Just saw her today at a fundraiser. if she holds on till January, she's in my top 5. Of course, I'm showing my hand, but what the hell?
  8. Typhoid Harry

    Hey, Rude Kid!

    Hi RK, After some googling I found this; http://www.stiffs.com/anonymous.html Is this your Otis, and, if so, is there anything to this? I don't usually participate in gossip, but this guy's research seems pretty exhaustive... Also, the commentary is pretty damn hilarious at times. Sorry about the new topic, but I really couldn't find another spot for this question. If this has been covered in the past, GR, just delete this thread and chastise my newbieness...
  9. Typhoid Harry

    Shaun of the Dead

    So I'm assuming it's already playing in the UK, yes? http://www.focusfeatures.com/viewer.php?f=...wmv&w=480&h=202
  10. Typhoid Harry

    The Dead Of 2013

  11. Typhoid Harry

    Christopher Reeve

    I just received a phone call from one of my sources, and it appears that Superman has met his Kryptonite.
  12. Typhoid Harry

    Clive Dunn

    A true game changer, this, and the very definition of mixed emotions.
  13. Typhoid Harry

    Harry Morgan

    His obit over here read, "Sherman Tanked..." Badumbum.
  14. Typhoid Harry

    The Hartlepool Deadlypool

    Too bad they already hung the monkey, I'm sure he'd have gotten an obit.
  15. Typhoid Harry

    New Here And Just Saying Hello

    Been gone so long it feels like I'm new. Every time I try to be more present some new obstacle comes up. We'll see how this attempt goes.
  16. Typhoid Harry

    A Joke

    Two old guys are sitting around one afternoon and one says to the other, "I saw on TV last night that elks have sex 10 - 15 times a night!" The other replies, "Damn, and I just joined the VFW!"
  17. Typhoid Harry

    Hooroo, Mate.

    My question was, and still is; will they tan his hide when he's dead, Fred? Clyde is dying to know.
  18. Typhoid Harry

    The Dead Of 2011

    Died of complications of being 98 freaking year old. Brief illness my arse...
  19. Typhoid Harry

    Elizabeth Edwards

    All over the news here. Damned woman couldn't hold on for three more weeks?
  20. Typhoid Harry

    Jerry Lewis

    C'mon, Jerry, you can do it! Dean's awaitin' (Rumors are running around he's not doing well at all since the last telethon.)
  21. Typhoid Harry

    A Joke

    A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, 'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?' St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.' So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?' God simply replied 'You are what you are.' The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?' The zebra looked puzzled.. 'No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.'' St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes..' The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?' 'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is..' I'll get me hat....
  22. Typhoid Harry

    Death List Convention

    Once again I am making plans and God is pissing himself laughing, but I'll do my best.
  23. Typhoid Harry

    Dino De Laurentiis

    Do you think it's too much to ask that he take that bobble-headed Giada with him?
  24. Typhoid Harry

    Edward Kennedy/Curse of the Kennedys

    ABC news reporting hin DEAD! http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/TedKennedy/story?id=6692022
  25. Typhoid Harry

    Sir Bobby Robson

    Goooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllll! (We watch a lot of Mexican League football around here.)

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