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Everything posted by Mortician

  1. Mortician

    Basil Brush's Misters

    As it's the 25th Anniversary of Yes Minister, I suddenly realised that Derek Fowlds is the last surviving major cast member.... Then I thought I wonder how Basil Brush's other helpers are doing. IMDB hasn't got much on them but I think they were: Mr Rodney (Bewes) (on a magic show I think) Mr Howard (Williams) Mr Derek (Fowlds) Mr Roy (North) Mr Billy (Boyle) News on Howard and Roy is especially sketchy so the challenge is: Are they still all above ground, and what are they up to, and who do we think is next for the reaper?
  2. Mortician

    The 13th Death Of '09

    This is a very good call, with the Tories about to kick off another batch of psychotic Euro Bashing over Lisbon, the bitch of the living dead will rise from her whisky sozzled stupor, shout No and then keel over if Blair gets elected el Presidente.... Makes it almost worth hoping the grinning war mongering pope botherer gets the job
  3. Mortician

    Patrick Swayze

    I would say that being faced with the propsect of reading the Daily Mail most of us would throw in the towel...
  4. Mortician

    In Dem Memorial Highlands

    The chilly jocko land climbers are whinging.... Apparently you can no longer climb a mole hill in the Highlands without falling over an erection resembling the Taj Mahal raised by some commoner in memorial of a fallen friend so they want to clear them out. Ben Deadis If we are to be prevented in destroying areas of natural beauty by the cunning use of £1.99 garage flowers - where should we allow people to build their shrines? So DL'ers, where would you want your memorial, and more importantly who would you like to inconvenience? Remember irritation in death lasts forever!
  5. Mortician

    Charlton Heston

    Bless Charlton and all the little wheelies, always reminds me of a very obscure band from the mid 80's called Stump, who had a song with the line 'Charlton Heston put his vest on' and fighting Pharoahs! Pure genius and more accurate historically then Chuck sword and sandal efforts. I wonder if St Peter will be packing assault weapons at the pearly gates, or Moses will be read to complain about the hair do!
  6. Mortician

    Ariel Sharon

    A government source saying he is dead eh? He probably is dead but for security reasons are not announcing it... I doubt it, Blair might be a war mongering lying bastid but even he wouldn't trust Kim Howell with his phone number let alone a state secret...
  7. Mortician

    African Despots

    I think that you can safely say that Muagbe will not go for the subtlety of an accident, unless you consider lead poisoning caused by gunfire to be accidental.
  8. Mortician

    Heather Mills

    Well the shrinking voilet (or is that more listing) has been declaring her hatred of publicity by appearing on telly Leave me alone... oh please come back Meanwhile the Fuzz are getting a bit pissed off with her as well... Rozzers After the Fugitive They would set the dogs on her but artificial limbs play havoc with their digestion
  9. Mortician

    Jacques Brel's Imitation Jelly Jewellery

    Sheriff Fatman - Carter USM White Riot - The Clash Old Red Eyes is Back - The Beautiful South
  10. Mortician

    James Brown

    Perhaps they're waiting for him to 'Get On Up' Please accept my apologies in advance for the groans this creates, but it's been a long week...
  11. Mortician

    Stars In Rehab

    I think we should open a centre for the treatment for addiction to Rehab
  12. Mortician

    Osama Bin Laden

    I'm confused... why are they going to the Afghan / Pakistan border area... we all know Osama is in Iraq with all those other fundamentalists that profited under the secular regime of Saddam Hussain... otherwise why did we invade there at all Or have I missed something? Oh well back to my bunker protecting democracy in 2 square miles of the green zone in Baghdad
  13. Mortician

    I Destroy the Royal Family

    Quite right, Phil may be rascist, with a border line personality disorder, old loony that believes that if it moves shoot it... but he's not a Nazi. That being said I'm sure that like his wife's Uncle he might think some of old Adolf's ideas weren't that bad, but his methods were a bit off....
  14. Mortician

    Heather Mills

    More likely Trago Mills, suppliers of bargain basement tat to the mad people of Devon and Cornwall... now why does Heffer make me think of low value tat?
  15. Mortician

    Heather Mills

    The above from that Sun article, assuming McCartney decides to get nasty I think these two appearing in court might raise the hate stakes to the point someone would have a go. More likely, if the realms of fantasy she seems to inhabit collapse around her she might be more of a danger to herself. I would say that the threat of some of her old alleged clients will soon put her off her day in court... Mind you the Scum story about her being paid as much as Rooney has some merit. She wants £10K a day for sleeping with an ancient crumbly scouser, and Wayne was spending some of his £10K a day sleeping with ancient crumbly scousers....
  16. Mortician

    Brinsworth House

    Well he must be doing alright (or at least as alright as you need to play a part in a Croft / Lloyd s*itcom) as they're doing a 'special'... Despair for comedy
  17. Mortician

    Are You Being Served?

    By the way, when did this happen. DAME Wendy Richard. surely its not true ??? her official website shed's no light. I think this was a minor typo... Damn Wendy Richard
  18. Mortician

    Coleman Falls?

    So Bill Threlfall (dull BBC tennis bloke who wasn't Dan Maskell) has shuffled off his mortal coil... and he made me wonder who are the Sports Commentators you'd like to see dead - or in the words of the legendary Ron Pickering 'Away You Go'....
  19. Mortician

    Are You Being Served?

    Well predicted that man, the bitter faced old hag was wittering on Radio 4 within half an hour of the announcement... 'Lovely man - my partner and I have been visiting him daily - blessing as the end of his suffering'... (not clear if this was due to his illness or having to look at Wendy's sour mush)
  20. Mortician


    The Cameroon tackle, especially following the 2 missed attempts previously during Canniega's run is exactly the sort of flair we need in World Cups. Fifa's constant attempts to make the game a non contact sport is what runied the group games with the bigger teams getting the decisions and turning everyone off... Let's have more passion, more fouls, more flair - as an England fan we cannot possibly play with any less passion than we did this time...
  21. Mortician

    Margaret Thatcher

    Churchill did get a state funeral as an exceptional case - for leading Britain in victory through the second world war... I don't think Margaret's twin victories over the corn beef exporters and the miners quite compare...
  22. Mortician

    Mickey Rooney

    It must be very difficult being a US soldier. You're sent around the world on the bidding of a deranged half-wit (is it me or is George W being Emu to Dick Cheney's Rod Hull?).... If you entertain yourself by taking pictures of prisoners you're torturing then you're locked up (providing you're lowly ranking - if responsible carry on number 1). If you drive down the road your Hummer offers as little protection against road side bombs as tin foil and then when it can't get any worse - a USO show is put on. Now when Bob 'Any more war zones and I qualify as one of the Four Horsemen of the Acropolis' Hope finally went to the music hall in the sky - the US forces must have been dancing in the streets. A new period of peace was bound to break out - No Hope = No War (or is that no hope of no war - more likely with this administration) but here's Mickey steeping into the breach... Mind you the average soldier might be getting what they deserve - I remember a British squaddie being interviewed and he wanted Jim Davison to come out - mind you it wasn't clear if that was to put on a show or be shot...
  23. Mortician

    Pete Doherty

    Perhaps he's seen Walk the Line and thinks the prisons didn't Johnny Cash's career any harm... Personally I'm just disappointed that he didn't manage to crash into George Michael and get both the media tarts into the same story.
  24. Mortician

    Mickey Rooney

    I wonder if it's a character trait all Rooney's have? If so let's keep Colleen whatever her dog faces name is in mind for next year when she gets crushed to death by Wayne the evil love child of Mickey and Shrek!
  25. Mortician

    Bird Flu

    German crack suicide birds in full effect - next they'll be sending squadrons of the little kraut blighters over to plummet down and kill our cats. Only one thing for it - scramble the RAF tonight we hit Berlin with a 1000 Lancaster Bombers dropping incendiary lemsips....

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