Paul Bearer 6,109 Posted October 21, 2013 A very sad sad day, Elvis, my pet mouse has died....... He was caught in a trap Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Perfect Passing 277 Posted October 25, 2013 Morris Schwartz is dying and is on his deathbed. He is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses." "Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza ." "Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center ." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown" The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property. Sarah replies, "Property....he has a milk run." 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
themaninblack 2,112 Posted October 25, 2013 Bought the Alex Ferguson autobiography. I thought I had finished reading it but then another six pages appeared! 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,657 Posted November 21, 2013 It might be seen as good news elsewhere but freeing those domestic slaves after thirty years today has cost us the whole staff of the works canteen! S'funny mind, thirty years in domestic servitude and all they ask for is to meet Shakin' Stevens! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Perfect Passing 277 Posted November 21, 2013 The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?' Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.' 'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?' Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.' 'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.' The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?' Johnny said, "Well, I walked past Mum and Dad's bedroom the other night., Mum had her legs up in the air and she was saying: 'Oh God! I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I reckon we'd have lost her!!!" 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,657 Posted November 27, 2013 So, which of the three women held as captives will be the first to win I'm a Celebrity Get me out of Here? F*** knows, they'd feel more at home there than Rebecca Adlington seems to. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
torbrexbones 717 Posted December 1, 2013 KILLING EELS CAN BE FUN WHEN YOU KNOW HOW TO DO IT RIGHT Little Johnny was six years old and like other boys his age, was rather curious. He had been hearing quite a lot about courting from older boys and wondered what it was like and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother who became rather flustered and instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning Johnny described everything to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while then turned off most of the lights. Next he started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would, except he’s not so good because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting out of breath. His other hand must have gotten cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time Sis got worse and started to moan and sigh and squirm around, sliding down towards the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I knew it was a fever because Sis told him she felt hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick. A big eel had gotten into his pants, somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 10 inches long "honest". Anyway, he grabbed it in his hands to keep it from getting away. Then Sis saw it, she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen. Should have told her about the ones down at the lake! Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting the head. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go, I guess it must have bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel’s head to keep it from biting her again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so that she could get a scissor lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a good fight, Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a sigh of relief because it just hung there and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again and, by golly, the eel wasn’t dead, it started to fight again. I guess eel’s are like cats, they have 9 lives or something. This time Sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After 35 minutes they finally killed it. I knew it was dead because I saw Sis’s boyfriend peel the skin off and flush it down the toilet". JOHNNY`S MUM FAINTED. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Rotten Ali 600 Posted December 2, 2013 An Irishman went into a bar in Glasgow the other week and said to the landlord, "I'm very impressed with your charity jar, there aren't many coppers in it!" 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,657 Posted December 2, 2013 Guitarist jokes What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend? Homeless. What’s the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four. “Mummy! Mummy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!” “Now Johnny, you can’t do both!” How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just steal somebody else’s light. What’s the difference between a guitarist and a bassist? The guitarist gets students and the bassist gets gigs. Vocalist jokes How many vocalists does it take to screw in a bulb? None. They hold the bulb over their head and the world revolves around them. How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb? Three: one to change the bulb, one to kick the ladder out from under her, and one to say, “I knew it was too high for you, dear.” Why do you find backing singers waiting outside your house? Because they never know when to come in and if they do, they can’t find the right key. Drummer jokes What’s the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher? They both perceive time as an abstract concept. How do you know when a drummer is at your door ? The knocking speeds up. How do you tell if the stage is level? The drummer will drool from both sides of his mouth. A drummer, sick of all the jokes, decides to become a guitarist. He goes into the shop and asks the shopkeeper for a gold top Les Paul with P90s, a marshall 100 watt valve amp, an angled 4×12 cab, a Rat distortion pedal, Vox wah wah and a 20 foot guitar lead. The shopkeeper says: “You’re a drummer aren’t you?” The drummer says: “How the f*** do you know that?!!” The shopkeeper says: “Because this is a butchers” What is the difference between God and a drummer? God dousn’t think he can play the drums Conductor jokes What do do with a horn player that can’t play? Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist. What do you do if he can’t do that? Take away one of the sticks, put him up front, and call him a conductor. Bass player jokes What do you throw a drowning bass player? His amp. Did you hear about the bass player that was so upset about his terrible timing that he threw himself behind a train? What are the three most difficult years in a bass player’s life? Primary 4. String jokes How do you keep your violin from being stolen? Put it in a viola case. What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed. Why are violist’s fingers like lightning? They rarely strike the same spot twice. Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? So you don’t have to retrain the cellists. What’s the difference between a Lawnmower and a Viola? Vibrato What’s the difference between a dog and a violinist? A dog knows when to quit scratching. Why are viola jokes so short? So violinists can understand them. Piano jokes Why was the piano invented? So the musician would have a place to put his beer. What do you get if you throw a piano down a mine shaft? A flat miner. Why was the piano invented? So the musician would have a place to put his beer. Brass and woodwind jokes What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm? A tattoo. Tuba Player: “Did you hear my last recital?” Friend: “I hope so.” What’s the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet? About three decibels. What’s the definition of a minor second interval? Two Soprano Sax players reading off the same part. What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone? On or off How do you get a trombonist off of your porch? Pay him for the pizza. How are trumpet players like pirates? They’re both murder on the high Cs. What’s the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw? The exhaust. What is a burning oboe good for? Setting a bassoon on fire. Accordion jokes Did you hear about the guy who left his accordion in the back seat of his car in a dodgy neighbourhood? When he returned, he was horrified to find his car window smashed and two accordions in the back seat. What’s the difference between an accordion and a lawn mower? If you put both on Gumtree, you could sell the lawn mower. Banjo jokes Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players? It saves time in the long run. What’s the difference between a banjo and an onion? Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo. Producer and engineer jokes Why did the compressor go to hospital? Because it had a hard attack. Why did the compressor go to the physiotherapist? Because it had a soft knee. How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Sorry, mate. I don’t do lights, just sound… How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb? One to ask the tape-op to do it What is the difference between a producer and a chimpanzee? It’s scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans. How did the engineer take his reverb unit to the studio? On the auxilliary bus How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb? Two, two, one, two. General music and musician jokes How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb? One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was Barenboim, Levine and Mehta all went down in a plane crash. Who survived? Mozart What do you call a musician with a college degree? Night manager How do you become a millionaire as a jazz musician? Start with two million. A ‘C’, an E-flat, and a ‘G’ go into a bar. The bartender says: “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.” So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished: the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. What’s the difference between a rocker and a jazzman? A rocker plays 3 chords in front of a thousand people, a jazzman… How do you turn a duck into a soul artist? Put it in the oven until it(‘)s Bill Withers. A hurdy gurdy is so difficult to tune that hurdy gurdy players spend half their time tuning their instrument – and the other half playing out of tune. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Rotten Ali 600 Posted December 2, 2013 I blame the Chief Constable, he told his police force "when ever they could, just drop in unannounced". Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 2, 2013 Guitarist jokes What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend? Homeless. What’s the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four. “Mummy! Mummy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!” “Now Johnny, you can’t do both!” How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just steal somebody else’s light. What’s the difference between a guitarist and a bassist? The guitarist gets students and the bassist gets gigs. Vocalist jokes How many vocalists does it take to screw in a bulb? None. They hold the bulb over their head and the world revolves around them. How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb? Three: one to change the bulb, one to kick the ladder out from under her, and one to say, “I knew it was too high for you, dear.” Why do you find backing singers waiting outside your house? Because they never know when to come in and if they do, they can’t find the right key. Drummer jokes What’s the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher? They both perceive time as an abstract concept. How do you know when a drummer is at your door ? The knocking speeds up. How do you tell if the stage is level? The drummer will drool from both sides of his mouth. A drummer, sick of all the jokes, decides to become a guitarist. He goes into the shop and asks the shopkeeper for a gold top Les Paul with P90s, a marshall 100 watt valve amp, an angled 4×12 cab, a Rat distortion pedal, Vox wah wah and a 20 foot guitar lead. The shopkeeper says: “You’re a drummer aren’t you?” The drummer says: “How the f*** do you know that?!!” The shopkeeper says: “Because this is a butchers” What is the difference between God and a drummer? God dousn’t think he can play the drums Conductor jokes What do do with a horn player that can’t play? Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist. What do you do if he can’t do that? Take away one of the sticks, put him up front, and call him a conductor. Bass player jokes What do you throw a drowning bass player? His amp. Did you hear about the bass player that was so upset about his terrible timing that he threw himself behind a train? What are the three most difficult years in a bass player’s life? Primary 4. String jokes How do you keep your violin from being stolen? Put it in a viola case. What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed. Why are violist’s fingers like lightning? They rarely strike the same spot twice. Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? So you don’t have to retrain the cellists. What’s the difference between a Lawnmower and a Viola? Vibrato What’s the difference between a dog and a violinist? A dog knows when to quit scratching. Why are viola jokes so short? So violinists can understand them. Piano jokes Why was the piano invented? So the musician would have a place to put his beer. What do you get if you throw a piano down a mine shaft? A flat miner. Why was the piano invented? So the musician would have a place to put his beer. Brass and woodwind jokes What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm? A tattoo. Tuba Player: “Did you hear my last recital?” Friend: “I hope so.” What’s the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet? About three decibels. What’s the definition of a minor second interval? Two Soprano Sax players reading off the same part. What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone? On or off How do you get a trombonist off of your porch? Pay him for the pizza. How are trumpet players like pirates? They’re both murder on the high Cs. What’s the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw? The exhaust. What is a burning oboe good for? Setting a bassoon on fire. Accordion jokes Did you hear about the guy who left his accordion in the back seat of his car in a dodgy neighbourhood? When he returned, he was horrified to find his car window smashed and two accordions in the back seat. What’s the difference between an accordion and a lawn mower? If you put both on Gumtree, you could sell the lawn mower. Banjo jokes Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players? It saves time in the long run. What’s the difference between a banjo and an onion? Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo. Producer and engineer jokes Why did the compressor go to hospital? Because it had a hard attack. Why did the compressor go to the physiotherapist? Because it had a soft knee. How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Sorry, mate. I don’t do lights, just sound… How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb? One to ask the tape-op to do it What is the difference between a producer and a chimpanzee? It’s scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans. How did the engineer take his reverb unit to the studio? On the auxilliary bus How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb? Two, two, one, two. General music and musician jokes How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb? One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was Barenboim, Levine and Mehta all went down in a plane crash. Who survived? Mozart What do you call a musician with a college degree? Night manager How do you become a millionaire as a jazz musician? Start with two million. A ‘C’, an E-flat, and a ‘G’ go into a bar. The bartender says: “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.” So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished: the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. What’s the difference between a rocker and a jazzman? A rocker plays 3 chords in front of a thousand people, a jazzman… How do you turn a duck into a soul artist? Put it in the oven until it(‘)s Bill Withers. A hurdy gurdy is so difficult to tune that hurdy gurdy players spend half their time tuning their instrument – and the other half playing out of tune. I'm guessing you repeated Why was the piano invented........? for the Violinists! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,657 Posted December 2, 2013 Amazing day Opened the second door on my advent calendar and Tom Daley came out! 5 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
philheybrookbay 439 Posted December 4, 2013 Amazing day Opened the second door on my advent calendar and Tom Daley came out! Funny how the gay men of Plymouth are totally non plussed by this event. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dr. Zorders 1,271 Posted December 8, 2013 Apparently when Tom Daley came out, Michael Barrymore's ears pricked up - finally a guy who takes it up the arse and can swim as well. 4 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dr. Zorders 1,271 Posted December 9, 2013 Found this on Twitter. Seemed like the best thread to post it in. Merry Christmas everybody. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bibliogryphon 9,589 Posted December 10, 2013 Found this on Twitter. Seemed like the best thread to post it in. Merry Christmas everybody. Esther Rantzen would be appalled. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CaptainChorizo 1,985 Posted December 11, 2013 A photon checks into a hotel. The bellhop asks,"Can I help you with your luggage?" It replies," I don't have any. I am traveling light." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Perfect Passing 277 Posted December 13, 2013 Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
charon 4,943 Posted December 15, 2013 I've just seen four hearts players playing football with a cat. I was just about to phone the SSPCA when the cat went 1-0 up.. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,109 Posted December 15, 2013 I've just seen four hearts players playing football with a cat. I was just about to phone the SSPCA when the cat went 1-0 up.. Hahahahaha, Stealing that one. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
themaninblack 2,112 Posted December 18, 2013 When I bought my mum a copy of Nigella Lawson's cookbook for her birthday a couple of years ago, she was a pit puzzled as to why there was a recipe for hash cake. Now it makes sense... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
time 8,624 Posted December 20, 2013 Saw a great show in the West end last night, it brought the house down. 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,657 Posted December 22, 2013 Saw a great show in the West end last night, it brought the house down. Couldn't really follow that show myself, I was plastered! 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Rotten Ali 600 Posted December 22, 2013 Saw a great show in the West end last night, it brought the house down. Couldn't really follow that show myself, I was plastered! Not a joke but... I was on my works Xmas do in the Finsbury Park area that night (getting plastered) and noticed a few ambulances running blues and twos, going in a westerly direction. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,535 Posted December 29, 2013 On Christmas day, Metropolitan police carried out a series of raids across the North London area. Police made 5 arrests and seized nearly 700lbs of German fruitcake. Those arrested have been charged with handling stollen goods. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
