A Joke

[RIP Wee Jum 1,559]

It is amazing how many F1 drivers have links to Scottish towns 

 

Eddie Irvine

Stirling Moss

Lewis Hamilton

Ayr Town Centre.

[runebomme 377]

“People here are brutal, man. The other day I bought one potato for myself in the shop, and the cashier looked at me like, ‘Is that all?’ Then he picked up the potato and shouted to all the shop, ‘Everybody look, this guy is just getting one potato for himself! What a loser!’

I wish the story ended there. He then leaned in to me very earnestly and said, ‘Seriously though my friend, you are single? My daughter is a lovely Uzbek girl, she is looking for a husband, you are just her type.’ He wouldn’t take any protestations, and called her over. I had to sit there patiently while his daughter did a twirl for me. I tried to reject the offer politely, to which he told me, ‘Whatever then, enjoy your potato, you loner.’ I cried all the way home.”

[Paul Bearer 6,109]

6 hours ago, runebomme said:

“People here are brutal, man. The other day I bought one potato for myself in the shop, and the cashier looked at me like, ‘Is that all?’ Then he picked up the potato and shouted to all the shop, ‘Everybody look, this guy is just getting one potato for himself! What a loser!’

I wish the story ended there. He then leaned in to me very earnestly and said, ‘Seriously though my friend, you are single? My daughter is a lovely Uzbek girl, she is looking for a husband, you are just her type.’ He wouldn’t take any protestations, and called her over. I had to sit there patiently while his daughter did a twirl for me. I tried to reject the offer politely, to which he told me, ‘Whatever then, enjoy your potato, you loner.’ I cried all the way home.”

Are you Iain in disguise? 

[runebomme 377]

7 hours ago, Paul Bearer said:

Are you Iain in disguise? 

who is Iain

[Phantom 2,535]

I would take up juggling, but I just don't have the balls.

[runebomme 377]

After brexit when rapper 50 cent performs in GBR he'll appear as 10.000 pounds.

 

 

[Paul Bearer 6,109]

The man who invented pretentious colours has died. 
Mauve he rust in puce.

[maryportfuncity 10,657]

Notre Dame latest

 

Fire investigators have no leads but they do have a hunch

[Grim Up North 3,727]

In the space of 24 hours Manchester have managed to do something Theresa May hasn't managed in 3 years.

[bladan 293]

Who is the worst enemy of Notre Dame?

 

Yesso Nietyou

[maryportfuncity 10,657]

What's ET short for?

 

Because his legs are little!

[maryportfuncity 10,657]

Is it possible to take a graft from your buttocks and donate it to someone close to you that's not a relative? Arse skin for a friend.

[Cat O'Falk 3,290]

1 minute ago, maryportfuncity said:

Is it possible to take a graft from your buttocks and donate it to someone close to you that's not a relative? Arse skin for a friend.

 

A friend of mine had a skin graft from his arse to his face; he loves it when his mother-in-law greets him with a kiss on the cheek.

[Paul Bearer 6,109]

Wish me luck in the London Marathon tomorrow. Last year I managed 3 hours, 12 mins, 9 sec. This year I'm going to try and beat that but I usually get bored and turn the TV over.

[runebomme 377]

Everyday my 90 year old neighbour who has alzhiemers knocks on my door and asks me if I've seen his wife . And everyday I have to tell that 90 year old man his wife has been long dead . You know I have thought of not answering the door I have even thought about moving house . But you know it's worth it, each time just to see the smile on his face..

[runebomme 377]

Three Aussie guys, Shane, Ricky and Jeff, were working on a high-rise building project in Wagga Wagga.  Unfortunately, Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ricky says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.' Jeff says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.  Ricky says, 'Where did you get that, Jeff?'  'Shane's wife gave it to me.' Ricky continues, 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?' 'Well not exactly,' Jeff said. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Shane's widow".'  She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are.'

[runebomme 377]

I saw video on whatsapp of a bloke sucking his own cock. It got me thinking is that gay or not? I really couldn't make my mind up, I mean if you have a wank it's not like touching someone elses cock so probably not. The bloke bumming him was definitely gay though.

[Dr_T 254]

6 hours ago, runebomme said:

Three Aussie guys, Shane, Ricky and Jeff, were working on a high-rise building project in Wagga Wagga.  Unfortunately, Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ricky says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.' Jeff says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.  Ricky says, 'Where did you get that, Jeff?'  'Shane's wife gave it to me.' Ricky continues, 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?' 'Well not exactly,' Jeff said. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Shane's widow".'  She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are.'

The funniest parts of that joke are that they are working on a high-rise in Wagga Wagga and that the bet was for a carton of Fosters.

[maryportfuncity 10,657]

Just saw on Facebook that the Madrid police are concerned about Spurs fans taking flares to the Champions League final. Well, those fans wore flares the last time Spurs made a European final.

[runebomme 377]

On 09/05/2019 at 23:49, Dr_T said:

The funniest parts of that joke are that they are working on a high-rise in Wagga Wagga and that the bet was for a carton of Fosters.

 

care to share

[Dr_T 254]

On 14/05/2019 at 02:23, runebomme said:

 

care to share

 

The funny things are that there are no high rise buildings in Wagga Wagga.  It is a regional city of about 50,000 people.  While there may be a few building in the centre with maybe 3 or 4 storeys I doubt there would be anything that remotely qualifies itself as a high rise (although this may just be because building was temporarily suspended by the workplace tragedy described in the aforementioned post).

 

Fosters is barely sold in Australia.  You may be able to find 6 packs at the very large bottle shops but by and large it doesn't really exist in Australia.  I remember drinking it when I regularly visited Melbourne about 20 years ago where there was a pub I knew that sold schooners (405 ml) for $2.  My memory of it was that it is a very nondescript Australian lager, perfectly drinkable but not very interesting.  Wikipedia notes that while it is in the top ten most consumed beers globally, it is not widely consumed in Australia.  Considering that these guys are tradies who are still on the tools working in NSW I would say that their beer would be most likely be Toohey's New.

[bladan 293]

Here's my killing joke.

 

"Who's the best mathematician ever?

"It's the Sun you silly. It sets every evening."

[bladan 293]

On 16/05/2019 at 03:58, Dr_T said:

 

The funny things are that there are no high rise buildings in Wagga Wagga.  It is a regional city of about 50,000 people.  While there may be a few building in the centre with maybe 3 or 4 storeys I doubt there would be anything that remotely qualifies itself as a high rise (although this may just be because building was temporarily suspended by the workplace tragedy described in the aforementioned post).

 

Fosters is barely sold in Australia.  You may be able to find 6 packs at the very large bottle shops but by and large it doesn't really exist in Australia.  I remember drinking it when I regularly visited Melbourne about 20 years ago where there was a pub I knew that sold schooners (405 ml) for $2.  My memory of it was that it is a very nondescript Australian lager, perfectly drinkable but not very interesting.  Wikipedia notes that while it is in the top ten most consumed beers globally, it is not widely consumed in Australia.  Considering that these guys are tradies who are still on the tools working in NSW I would say that their beer would be most likely be Toohey's New.

 

Back in 1986 I worked in a beer factory. A short guy working there introduced me to drinking beer. His record was ten 405 ml cans of beer while at work. He showed me how to cool the beer

[maryportfuncity 10,657]

I was blessed with a 9 inch penis. That priest is in jail now.

[runebomme 377]

28 minutes ago, maryportfuncity said:

I was blessed with a 9 inch penis. That priest is in jail now.

 

was it him