Josco 48 Posted September 17, 2010 George Michael has settled well in prison. He's already written a song about his 'skin head' cellmate. It will be his new single called "Hairless Fister". I thank you, I'm here all week. Ahem! Oops. Sorry HCW. I'll return my royalty cheque. Josco has left the building and gone all weak. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Memento Mori 12 Posted September 17, 2010 A man is walking through a forest one day, when he encounters an attractive woman sitting at the foot of a huge tree. ''Kiss me,' she says; 'or climb the tree to success.'' Now, the man, believing himself to be a hot bit of stuff, therefore far too good for this moderately attractive woman, decides to climb the tree. A short distance up, he encounters another woman - this time, a very pretty girl sitting on a bough. ''Kiss me,'' she says; 'or climb the tree to success''. The man declines and presses on, as this girl, pretty as she is, is in no way worthy of a second glance from him. A few feet from the top, he encounters an extremely beautiful woman. ''Kiss me, or climb right to the top to success,'' she says. Now, the guy - greedy, vain bastard that he is, rejects her offer, opting instead, to make it to the top. All manner of fantasies go through his mind as he nears the top. Visions of breathtakingly beautiful women dance before his mind's eye. What wonders await me?, he thought, as he finally reached the top. Instead of the bevy of beauties and riches he had anticipated, he was taken aback to find a toothless, naked, hideously ugly old man, seated on the uppermost bough. The grotesque creature smiled. ''Welcome,'' he said; 'I'm Cess..'' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,013 Posted September 17, 2010 "One lady owner." So the clutch is fucked then. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lard Bazaar 3,687 Posted September 17, 2010 "One lady owner." So the clutch is fucked then. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Memento Mori 12 Posted September 18, 2010 Continuing in the vein of sexist jokes.. Q.How do you piss off a female archaeologist? A.Show her a used tampon and ask which period it comes from! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,132 Posted September 20, 2010 The Pope gets shot on his visit to the UK and he is rushed to hospital. On the way to the Operating Theatre, he briefly regains conciousness. Delirious, he looks up to the Nurse and whispers "Am I in heaven?" "No." she replies, "We are just taking a shortcut through the Childrens' Ward...." I mistook the Pope Mobile for an Ice Cream Van today. I only realised my mistake when I saw the "Wouldnt Mind That Child!" sticker on the back. Tiger Woods Wayne Rooney Ashley Cole John Terry Vernon Kay Mark Owen What have they all got in common? Wives who obviously need to make more of a fucking effort! NEW on Channel 4 Coming live and uninterupted from Chile 33 contestants. 4 months. 1 cave. Dig brother. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Memento Mori 12 Posted September 22, 2010 An elderly man goes to his doctor for his annual check - up. After a while the doctor comes out and says, ''I'm sorry, Jim, but we've discovered that you have only six weeks to live.'' ''But Doctor,'' Jim replied, ''I feel great, I haven't felt better in years. This can't be true! Isn't there anything you can do?'' After a moment, the doctor said, ''well, you could try going down the street to the health spa and having a mud bath every day.'' Excitedly, Jim asked, ''And that will cure me?'' ''No,'' replied the doctor, ''but it will get you used to being in the dirt.'' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Josco 48 Posted October 7, 2010 A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...."Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got ﾣ9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap, it's ﾣ1000 an inch." The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision." The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?" "I have," says the man. "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor. "We're having granite worktops." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,013 Posted October 8, 2010 Nobody likes to hear the sound of their parents having sex. Especially me, as my mum died 15 years ago. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lard Bazaar 3,687 Posted October 8, 2010 Nobody likes to hear the sound of their parents having sex. Especially me, as my mum died 15 years ago. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Memento Mori 12 Posted October 9, 2010 Young Girl: 'Do you believe in puppy love? Young Boy:' Not anymore.' Young Girl: 'Why not?' Young Boy: 'Because their arseholes were too tight.' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,013 Posted October 10, 2010 We should greet the Chilean Miners dressed up as the "Planet of the Apes". Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Windsor 2,142 Posted October 11, 2010 I think I'm beginning to understand... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Rotten Ali 599 Posted October 11, 2010 I think I'm beginning to understand... Exactly. That's just how the "c" word rolls out at the wrong moment. The "sorry" word needs to follow on it's heels quite quickly and sincerely... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 5,645 Posted October 12, 2010 X FACTOR FANS! If your missing Gamu, don't worry! From next Wednesday you'll be able to sponsor her for £2 a month! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
time 7,948 Posted October 12, 2010 TV news is offering non-stop coverage of the rescue from Chile. Its not on any of the major channels... just one or two miner ones. Taxi? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lard Bazaar 3,687 Posted October 14, 2010 The first task of the Chilean miners now they are free is to visit Anfield and teach Roy Hodgson how to get out of a great big hole before Christmas. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Memento Mori 12 Posted October 17, 2010 Q: How do we know that human skin is elasticated? A: Because it says in the Bible that Moses tied his ass to a tree then walked all the way to Jeruselem. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,013 Posted October 26, 2010 I saw CountDown yesterday. Dracula's brother has learning difficulties! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 5,645 Posted October 26, 2010 A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some Olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it Whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table! He swallowed it whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate. Then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks. "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled them out, and ate em!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 5,645 Posted October 27, 2010 China has announced its team for the paraplegic olympics. Fu Kin Mong, Sim Pal Twat, Won Lim Gone, Won Key Eye and Gary Neville. Can I borrow your coat MPFC? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,013 Posted October 28, 2010 Gary Neville Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,013 Posted November 5, 2010 David Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week the forms will only be printed in English. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Josco 48 Posted November 12, 2010 I went on Dragon's Den the other night and showed them my old dad's shotgun. Peter Jones asked "And what's your idea?" I replied "It's a simple concept Peter, just put the money in the bag and shut the fuck up." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
