sympathyforthedevil 11 Posted July 31, 2011 I know a gynecologist. He's such a worrier, always getting in a flap... I recently went to see my phsychiatrist wearing my favourite clingfilm underwear. He said, 'I can clearly see you're nuts'. Not sure if this joke works as well when written down due to the your/you're issue. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,013 Posted August 1, 2011 I looked at my son's lifeless body on the bed and with a heavy heart I pulled the plug. It's about time the git got a life and turned his Xbox off. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Godot 148 Posted August 6, 2011 Enough jokes in to keep MPFC going for, ooo, a day or two maybe. Like this: "I went to the zoo to watch the monkeys wanking. Then I went to watch the crocodiles, and I was still wanking." Also: Oedipus - what a motherfucker! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
themaninblack 2,112 Posted August 8, 2011 It seems that the people of London have lit the Olympic flame a year early... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Windsor 2,142 Posted August 10, 2011 You go on holiday and leave Nick Clegg in charge for 5 minutes... (Courtesy of Facebook) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Magere Hein 1,397 Posted August 10, 2011 You go on holiday and leave Nick Clegg in charge for 5 minutes... regards, Hein Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
time 7,948 Posted August 10, 2011 You go on holiday and leave Nick Clegg in charge for 5 minutes... regards, Hein In a similar vein I had a little chortle or two here. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Magere Hein 1,397 Posted August 10, 2011 (edited) In a similar vein I had a little chortle or two here. Aha: Edit to add: this one's much cleverer: regards, Hein Edited August 10, 2011 by Magere Hein London Olympics picture added. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,013 Posted August 24, 2011 I was asked to organise a reunion for landmine victims. Only half of them turned up. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
philheybrookbay 439 Posted September 11, 2011 THE NHS IN A NUTSHELL The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello." "Mrs. Sanders, please." "Speaking" "Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well... We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good." "What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which." "That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders. "Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.” Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Falkekopf 48 Posted October 12, 2011 Paul McCartney has already fallen out with his new wife. Apparently she's been spending twice as much on shoes as his previous wife! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Grim Up North 3,565 Posted October 14, 2011 Think this classes as 'Tasteless Merriment'! Edit: Or possible just someone who doesn't know how to insert a photo image - still I'm chuckling to myself! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Josco 48 Posted October 17, 2011 Think this classes as 'Tasteless Merriment'! Edit: Or possible just someone who doesn't know how to insert a photo image - still I'm chuckling to myself! Try: 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Godot 148 Posted October 31, 2011 How management consultants make a difference: A man goes in to a restaurant and sees the waiter has a spoon in his shirt pocket. Another waiter comes over and he too has a spoon in his shirt pocket. The customer looks around and sees that all the staff have spoons in their pockets, so the man calls a waiter over and asks: 'Why the spoon?' “Well,” says the waiter, “The owner hired Andersen Consulting to look for efficiencies. Months later they reported that the spoon was the most dropped utensil with a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If every waiter had a spare spoon, they said, it would reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.” The customer happened to drop his own spoon. "No problem," said the water who handed over his spare. “I'll get another one next time I go to the kitchen," he said. The man was impressed but couldn't help noticing a piece of string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Then he noticed that all the waiters had string hanging from their flies. So he asked the waiter: "What's the string for?" The waiter leaned over and explained: "The consultants said we could also save time in the gents if we tied this string to the end of our todgers. This way I can pull it out with no need to wash my hands and that saves 76.39 per cent of the time spent by staff in the loos." The man was intrigued now and asked: “After you get it out, how do you put it back?” “Well,” said, the waiter, “I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.” Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,013 Posted November 7, 2011 My wife told me to get our ginger son ready for his first day at school. So I punched him in the face and stole his dinner money. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 9, 2011 My wife told me to get our ginger son ready for his first day at school. So I punched him in the face and stole his dinner money. A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the coffin out when they accidentally hit a wall, jarring the coffin, they hear a faint moan coming from inside. They open the coffin and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the coffin, as they move closer towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch out for that fucking wall!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,013 Posted November 14, 2011 Some Scouser wrote "mong" all over my windows last night. It took me ages to lick it off. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Body Snatcher 44 107 Posted November 18, 2011 Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary, Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore — While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. "'Tis some visiter," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door" — it was my large double meat-lovers with extra cheese and BBQ sauce. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Magere Hein 1,397 Posted November 18, 2011 Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary, Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore — While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. "'Tis some visiter," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door" — it was my large double meat-lovers with extra cheese and BBQ sauce. Must be Sinterklaas. Let's check the literature: Hoor wie klopt daar kind'ren? Hoor wie klopt daar kind'ren? Hoor wie klopt daar zachtjes tegen het raam? Het is een vreemd'ling zeker, die verdwaald is zeker. Ik zal hem even vragen naar zijn naam. Sint Nicolaas, Sint Nicolaas Breng ons vanavond een bezoek En strooi dan wat lekkers In een of and're hoek which translates to English as: Who's knocking children? Who's knocking children? Who's knocking gently at the window? It must be a stranger Who is lost I'll ask him what his name is Saint Nicholas, Saint Nicholas Please visit us tonight And throw some sweeties In one corner or another1 1One can almost hear the pained thoughts the author of this deathless verse had: "bezoek, what's a rhyme for bezoek". regards, Hein Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,013 Posted November 25, 2011 Not exactly a joke but a mirthsome moment when I overheard two caretakers today sat on a bench having a smoke. "I've been thinking about having a shit for the last three hours," said one "D'ya think, I should, like, go and have one soon?" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lard Bazaar 3,687 Posted November 25, 2011 Not exactly a joke but a mirthsome moment when I overheard two caretakers today sat on a bench having a smoke. "I've been thinking about having a shit for the last three hours," said one "D'ya think, I should, like, go and have one soon?" I've had shits that lasted for three hours. Most enjoyable especially when you get a high score on Angry Birds. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,013 Posted November 28, 2011 I cried as my Nan called my brother an ambulance today. Her Alzheimer's is getting worse. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 5,645 Posted November 28, 2011 Sitting here having a dump and cant help but wonder if I should have gone to the toilet to do it Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,558 Posted November 28, 2011 Grab your taco, you've pulled a dyslexic Mexican. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
