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Starting tomorrow Tesco's are offering double clubcard points on Beefburgers and Petrol.

 

It's The Only Fuel and Horses offer......................................

 

 

(I'll get my coat)

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Just been to the doctors and he says that I've got to start watching what I eat!

 

So I've booked tickets for this year Aintree Grand National!!

 

 

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A Romanian arrives in London as a new immigrant to the United Kingdom.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,

"Thank you Mr. Englishman, for letting me come into this country,

giving me housing, Income Support, free medical care, and a free

education!"

 

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Egyptian."

 

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having

such a beautiful country here in England."

 

The person says, "I not English, I am a Pakistani."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops,

shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful country England!"

 

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Afghanistan. I am

not British."

 

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an Englishwoman?"

 

 

 

She says, "No, I am from Africa."

 

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the English?"

 

The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."!!!

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What post has got most likes in this topic aka what has been the best joke evär??

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What post has got most likes in this topic aka what has been the best joke evär??

 

Feel free to troll through the thread and report back your findings.

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What post has got most likes in this topic aka what has been the best joke evär??

 

Feel free to troll through the thread and report back your findings.

 

The 'like' button is a relatively recent feature, so the vast majority of jokes here will have slipped by with no evidence of appreciation.

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Saw the girl I like naked for the first time the other night. Such a beautiful sight, she came out of the shower drapped in a wet towel, water glistening on her exposed skin in the dim light of her bedroom.

...and I remember thinking to myself "God I hope this skylight holds..."

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What post has got most likes in this topic aka what has been the best joke evär??

 

The most loved joke on DL is Iain.

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What post has got most likes in this topic aka what has been the best joke evär??

 

Probably not the one you just liked...

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Exactly a year ago today over thirty people died from food poisoning at a Greek restaurant. No-one knows what dish caused the fatalities but police are calling it The Valentines Day Moussaka.

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Rose are red

Violets are glorious

Just dont suprise Oscar Pistorius

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Rose are red

Violets are glorious

Just dont suprise Oscar Pistorius

 

I don't buy oscar's version of events that he shot her and thought she was an intruder, to me that story just doesn't have legs.

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Rose are red

Violets are glorious

Just dont suprise Oscar Pistorius

 

I don't buy oscar's version of events that he shot her and thought she was an intruder, to me that story just doesn't have legs.

 

If he is indeed guilty, the South African Police will no doubt be dragging him to prison!

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Guy walks into a crowded bar with two six guns yelling "Who the fuck has been sleepin with my wife, I'll kill ya!!!" A man standing nearby whispers "Hey buddy, I don't think you have enough ammo".

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A young Jewish Princess comes home to her momma and exclaims "Momma momma, I've got good news, I'm getting married"

 

Momma: "Vonderful vonderful , who is the lucky man?"

Girl: "Momma he is a really nice Arab man"

Momma: " Oy Vay, Arab? ARAB? You can't marry the enemy of our people!!!"

Girl: "But momma he is a Wealthy Arab Sheik momma and he said he is going to buy you a mansion, furs, diamonds, a yatch and a Rolls Royce momma"

Momma: "Oh wow, well for all this I give my blessing"

 

Six months later the girls comes home to momma crying.....

Momma: "Vats a motta, vats a motta?"

Girl: "Momma I"m getting a divorce"

Momma: "Divorce? A disgrace? Oh no no and what to tell the family?"

Girl: "But momma you don't understand, every time we have sex he wants to stick it in my ass momma and when I got married momma my ass was the size of a Dime momma and Now it is the size of a Silver Dollar momma"

 

The momma looks around at her mansion, feels her fur coat and diamond necklace the turns to the daughter and says......

 

"So for Ninety Cents you make Trouble?"

 

:D

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Looks as though Arsene Wenger might be looking to sign Oscar Pistorious in the summer transfer window.

 

After reports claimed he had more shots on target in 9 seconds than Arsenal did in 90 minutes against Bayern Munich.

 

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I knew the horsemeat scandal was not a new thing.

 

From The Star 1995:

 

BeauPeepBeefBurning_zpsdbdf1fa8.jpg

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Following the Oscar Pistorious shooting, another Olympian has been arrested - Ellie Simmons on a small arms charge!

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Following the Oscar Pistorious shooting, another Olympian has been arrested - Ellie Simmons on a small arms charge!

 

She is about to feel the long arm of the law then ?

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

 

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

 

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 

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BD-e6Q2CUAIjxK2.jpg

 

Horsemeat in IKEA meatballs? Should have seen that one coming.

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blogger-image-994630486.jpg

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A man walks up to an attractive woman at a bar and begins to tell her a story.

 

"The other day, I was walking through the park, when something unexpected bumped against my shoe," he says.

 

The girl is intrigued. "Well, what was it?" she asks.

 

"It was a magic lamp," the man says. "I rubbed it, and a genie came out. He said, 'I'll grant you one wish, but this isn't like Aladdin. You don't get to choose your wish. I'll give you two options, and you have to pick one.'"

 

"What were the choices?"

 

"The genie said I could have either a flawless memory, or a giant dick."

 

The girl thinks for a moment. "Wow. Which did you pick?"

 

"I don't remember."

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Guest

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he

saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

 

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been

on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.'

 

'Oh', said the man and pointed at one of the clocks 'Whose clock is that?'

 

'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved,

indicating that she never told a lie.'

 

'Incredible', said the man pointing again 'And whose clock is that one?'

 

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only

ever moved Twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'

 

'Where's Jimmy Savile's clock?' asked the man.

 

St Peter replied, 'God has it in his office, he uses it as a ceiling fan.'

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