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Roses are red

The sun is bright.

24 minutes ago, BufordTJustice said:

20245498_1438756302883068_5529955712834668815_n.jpg

 

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I put all my John Lennon memorabilia on Ebay

 

Imagine all the PayPal

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Oh aye, and...

 

 

JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoe shine, He got toe jam football, He got monkey finger, He shoot Coca-Cola

 

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: What?

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How come they're no black power rangers?

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14 hours ago, The Mad Hatter said:

How come they're no black power rangers?

Under the "uniform" one of them might be. If you're not happy with that answer, ask Mr Mugabe. I'm sure the troll will have an answer. 

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I had a very weird dream last night. I was in a pub with 10cc and they needed a title for a new hits compilation.

I suggested "Cremeliness Is Next To Godleyness". I was asked to leave.

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A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"

She says, "My mom died." 

He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine." 

Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?" 

She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

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Just met a transvestite from Greater Manchester.

 

She has a Wigan address.

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Justin Gatlin booed at the Athletics World Championships.

 

George Osborne wasn't available this time.

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What was the name of King Arthur's knight that always thought he was right?

Sir Tain (certain)

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What was the name of King Arthur's knight that recognized and acknowledged the achievements of the other knights?

Sir Tificate (certificate)

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What was the name of King Arthur's knight that used to spy on other castles?

Sir Veillance ( surveillance )

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What was the name of King Arthur's knight that who could live in the wilderness for many days on end?
Sir Vival (survival)
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Which of King Arthur's knights was prone to redness and irritation?
Sir Iasis (psoriasis)
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Which of King Arthur's knights enjoyed spicy food?
Sir Acha (sriracha)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Which of King Arthur's knights were always willing to help?
Sir Vent (servant) and Sir Vice (service)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Which of King Arthur's knights had the largest collection of snakes?
Sir Pent (serpent)

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31 minutes ago, BufordTJustice said:

What was the name of King Arthur's knight that always thought he was right?

Sir Tain (certain)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What was the name of King Arthur's knight that recognized and acknowledged the achievements of the other knights?

Sir Tificate (certificate)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What was the name of King Arthur's knight that used to spy on other castles?

Sir Veillance ( surveillance )

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What was the name of King Arthur's knight that who could live in the wilderness for many days on end?
Sir Vival (survival)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Which of King Arthur's knights was prone to redness and irritation?
Sir Iasis (psoriasis)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Which of King Arthur's knights enjoyed spicy food?
Sir Acha (sriracha)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Which of King Arthur's knights were always willing to help?
Sir Vent (servant) and Sir Vice (service)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Which of King Arthur's knights had the largest collection of snakes?
Sir Pent (serpent)

King Arthur's Greek knight?

Sir Taki

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I have always lived by the philosophy that if you have to explain a joke's punchline then it weren't funny in the first place. 

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15 minutes ago, Lard Bazaar said:

I have always lived by the philosophy that if you have to explain a joke's punchline then it weren't funny in the first place. 

 

Indeed Lardy - sometimes you're doing them a favour obliging them to catch up

 

Q - Who led the pedants revolt?

 

A - Which Tyler

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5 hours ago, BufordTJustice said:

What was the name of King Arthur's knight that always thought he was right?

Sir Tain (certain)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What was the name of King Arthur's knight that recognized and acknowledged the achievements of the other knights?

Sir Tificate (certificate)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What was the name of King Arthur's knight that used to spy on other castles?

Sir Veillance ( surveillance )

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What was the name of King Arthur's knight that who could live in the wilderness for many days on end?
Sir Vival (survival)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Which of King Arthur's knights was prone to redness and irritation?
Sir Iasis (psoriasis)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Which of King Arthur's knights enjoyed spicy food?
Sir Acha (sriracha)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Which of King Arthur's knights were always willing to help?
Sir Vent (servant) and Sir Vice (service)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Which of King Arthur's knights had the largest collection of snakes?
Sir Pent (serpent)

The same joke 8 times.

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1 hour ago, Lard Bazaar said:

I have always lived by the philosophy that if you have to explain a joke's punchline then it weren't funny in the first place. 

 

It was years before I got that one about the welder's mask.  :unsure:

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Why did the toilet-paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom.

 

What do you call a Mexican that lost his car?

Carlos

 

Why did the old lady fall into a hole?

She couldn't see that well

 
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“As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.”

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Was talking about Les Dawson at work today; some of his best one-liners:

 

I said to the doctor can I have some sleeping pills for the wife. The doctor asked why; I said "she keeps waking up"

 

Ours is a football marriage; we're always waiting for the other one to kick off.

 

I keep pushing a pan scrub in the baby's face - i want to get him used to kissing his grandmother.

 

The flabbiest stripper I've ever seen - she ran off the stage and started her own applause.

 

I call the wife Treasure - well, she reminds me of something that's just been dug up.

 

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Had a carpet salesman who used to be a porn star round today.

 

All he left me was underfelt.

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What's the leading cause of dry skin?

 

Towels

 

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I hate when people ask me where I will be in 3 years time

 

I have to tell them I don't have 2020 vision

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