runebomme 376 Posted August 31, 2017 On 24/08/2017 at 21:49, Joey Russ said: Already posted here by Dead Wait... aren't you a little darling rest of us may have missed it treat yourself to a banana 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,558 Posted September 1, 2017 What did the dad say to his son before he got in the car? "Son. Get in the car."" What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck. I'm thinking about getting a new haircut... I'm going to mullet over. I gave all my dead batteries away today... Free of charge. So an untalented gymnast walks into a bar... I wanted to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it Why was the egg in a rush? Because he was scrambled Why did the fish blush? Because it saw the oceans bottom What do you call two spiders who just got married Newlywebs 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,010 Posted September 9, 2017 Lovin' the work of bsgorrie on Twitter 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 376 Posted September 9, 2017 catherine look at you you little shit 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Joey Russ 7,119 Posted September 9, 2017 11 minutes ago, runebomme said: catherine look at you you little shit Groan... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
YoungWillz 19,007 Posted September 10, 2017 A friend died at sea. It took us ages to put him together. His head was in the wrong shark, his legs were in the wrong whale, his hair was even in the wrong mullet! Ah well, at least his heart was in the right plaice... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Joey Russ 7,119 Posted September 10, 2017 Ah, bastard, I didn't realize it was a joke. Throw all the tomatoes you want at me... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,010 Posted September 12, 2017 Work wise I encountered someone so far down the ASD line today he delights in the most inane puns. A favourite joke being... I climbed this big tower in France - but I fell (Eifell - get it?) This individual is likely to be part of my working life for at least one year - I try and avoid keeping you posted 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
msc 17,755 Posted September 12, 2017 That's worse than the "A man fell into a river in France - is he mad? No, he's in Seine" one! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Toast 14,824 Posted September 15, 2017 I would like to share a personal experience with you all about drinking and driving after a "social event" with friends. Last night, I was out at a party. I had a few cocktails & shots followed by several pints. Despite my merriness, I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before: I took a taxi home. Sure enough, there was a police road block on the high street but, since I was in a taxi, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was both a great relief and surprise because I had never driven a taxi before. I don't even know where I got it from and now that it's outside my house, I don't know what to do with it. 7 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,010 Posted September 17, 2017 I was in class 4B2 at school - all of us in there were as thick as two short planks Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,010 Posted September 21, 2017 2 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,467 Posted September 22, 2017 I was asked the other day if I was going to continue the family tradition by becoming a clown like my father and father. Of course I was very nervous. Those are some big shoes to fill. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,467 Posted September 22, 2017 Q. Who is the greatest boxer of all-time? A. Jim Jones. He knocked out 909 people with one punch. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,558 Posted September 24, 2017 Spare a thought for poor ole Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair. After arriving in a hotel in Manchester, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary." Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money. "Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England". "That is remarkable value", Michael comments. "I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £3 please." O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £1." "I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please". Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame". "I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir". O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £3." O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager". "I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please." O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?" "Of course I do Mr. O'Leary." "I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!" "Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof". "I will never use this bar again". "OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1 4 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,010 Posted September 24, 2017 On 22/09/2017 at 12:51, Phantom said: Q. Who is the greatest boxer of all-time? A. Jim Jones. He knocked out 909 people with one punch. And Yoko Ono is the all time dieting champion - lived for 37 years off one dead Beatle 1 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,558 Posted September 24, 2017 I've had rather sad news today..... After 7 years of medical training, a very good friend of mine and a Dundee FC fan, has been struck off, after just one minor indiscretion, he slept with one of his patients. But the thing is, they already knew each other and were very good friends, long before any of this happened.And so now because of this "minor indiscretion" he can no longer work in the profession that he absolutely loves. What a huge waste of time, training, money and talent. Despite being a Dee he is a really nice genuine guy, and was an absolutely brilliant vet! 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,558 Posted October 7, 2017 May of already posted this one, I cant remember 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
