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three cats are arguing which one of them is the laziest

the first cat said I had a large bowl of milk in front of me I just looked at it and was too lazie to drink it

the second cat said  thats nothing I had a large fish infront of me and was too lazie to eat it

the third cat asked did you hear a noise last night the other two cats replied yes it was horrible we could not sleep all night

the third cat said I sat on my balls and was too lazie to get up

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FB reminded me this was four years back

 

Anyone know if they found him?

 

shat.jpeg

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"they'd seen a wee ned (Scottish for a ruffian)"

 

Best bit of the above.

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I'll cop this is my photo - but it's someone else's handiwork on a bus stop in Colchester

 

22406275_10154712686815981_7252589222288

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Why is the Earth blue?

 

Because it has Venus envy...

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I can tell which people are judgemental just by looking at them.

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On 10/19/2017 at 16:46, Phantom said:

I can tell which people are judgemental just by looking at them.

When it comes to sharing, I take the cake.

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I was reading about the Russian lady who died after being boiled in molten caramel...

 

Apparently, she's now as one with the Galaxy....

 

 

0-250x250.jpg

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I bought a green-powered can recently. She run's well but I keep getting arrested.

 

My friend showed me a talking toilet in Japan. It was full of shit.

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q   how do hedgehogs have sex

 

a  carefully

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The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

 

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
 
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.
 
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."

The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.
 
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.

"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.

"What seems to be the problem, sir?"

"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"
 
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."

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A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas.

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."

The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."

The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself."

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1 hour ago, BufordTJustice said:

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

 

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
 
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.
 
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."

The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.
 
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.

"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.

"What seems to be the problem, sir?"

"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"
 
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."

Possibly the best joke I've heard this year. Thanks.

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22780676_364487310661415_1010277755399217835_n.jpg

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I came home from work to a note the wife left on the fridge saying "This isn't working, "

I opened the fridge, the light went on and my beer was cold, it's working just fine.
 
 
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a tobacco manufacturer says to another tobacco manufacturer I have not sold any tobacco and you sell a lot what is your secret 

the second  tobacco manufacturer answers you take half tobacco and half shit and you mix them together and people love it

the first tobacco manufacturer replise so you have to but tobacco in it as well

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What did the dog sit in the shade? He didn't wanna be a hot dog

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Mother was pushing a pram through the park, and I saw the kid throttling a toy Eeyore (from Winnie The Pooh).

 

Ah yes, I thought, I see you baby, shaking that ass...

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Romanians - apparently - tell Somali jokes in which the subjects of their humour are underweight and hungry, like...

 

Q: In what part of Somalia is the density of population greatest?
A: It depends on the direction of the wind.

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What's the difference between cancer and me?



My father never beat cancer.

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memes.jpg

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Your mom is so ugly, a blowjob from her counts as anal.

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1 hour ago, maryportfuncity said:

23519076_10155379126788026_5324350711066

 

That reminds me of the old favourite:

How do you tell a stoat from a weasel?

A weasel is weasely recognisable, but a stoat is stoatily different.

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