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A man is poaching turtles to sell to the local restaurants, when a police man catches him .
The cop says  "it's illegal to poach turtles out of this river, they’re an endangered species”?
The man says to the officer, “no this is my pet turtle. I bring him down here everyday and let him go for a swim. He swims across the river and back”.
“Bullshit” the officer replies. So the man places the turtle in the water and says “watch this”. The turtle swims out and the two men are standing there waiting.
Ten minutes goes past and the officer says “well where’s the turtle?”.

The man replies  ...“what turtle”?

 

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During the recent hot weather I have had trouble sleeping, so last night I drank 10 pints of stella, and I slept like a baby.

I was sick twice and shat myself.

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3035fa52d4170d34dfe9d6e1a3ef8e6f.jpg

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too much humming for my liking

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9911E011-3646-4FA2-BA0A-0F002C377957.jpeg

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I'm sitting somewhere between Geneva and Naples as we speak.

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Which group sang "Baby Love"?

 

A: The Supremes.

 

Which group sang "Egg Love"?

 

A: The Chicken Supremes.

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Would an all-gay male Supremes tribute band call themselves "The Meatlovers"?

 

 

 

(I hope the pizza names translate from Australian otherwise it might be a bit cryptic).

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Usain Bolt tries to join a golf club but the receptionist says; "To be honest we don't encourage black members here - but there is a club ten minutes down the road that's okay with that"

 

Bolt says - "Do you know who I am, I'm Usain Bolt."

 

"Oh right," says the receptionist "in that case the other club is only five minutes down the road."

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56A189BA-17DC-4239-BC6B-6F1B02CC833A.jpeg

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Former Louisiana Gov. Edwin Edwards was giving another former Gov Kathleen Blanco some award a few days ago.  In doing so, Edwards relayed a story of a poor woman who everyday walked out on the porch of her shotgun house and thanked God for the day. Next door lived an atheist who chided her for thinking God had anything to do with the sun, the rain, etc. One day she prayed for God to please send her food as she had none and was starving. The next morning she walked out and found a bag of groceries on her porch. She immediately started thanking God when the atheist neighbor interrupted her. “You old fool, God didn’t get you those groceries, I did!” She fell on her knees, thanked God for the groceries and, “even better, for getting the devil to pay for them.”

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So, as part of the new UK citizenship test every applicant will be made to eat a full English breakfast!

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- Why was metamphetamine re-named "Meth"

- So users could still ask for it after they'd lost their front teeth

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What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

 

Anybody can roast beef but nobody can pea soup.

 

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35 minutes ago, Wee Jum said:

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

 

Anybody can roast beef but nobody can pea soup.

 

if you have Urinary tract infections the pee can look a bit like soup

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Found this clean pun on the Sickipedia - honestly, what's the world coming to?

 

Lion King FC - recent results

 

A win, away

A win, away

A win, away

A win, away

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And The Lord said unto John, "Come fourth and recieve eternal life". But John came fifth and won a toaster

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One for the vinyl geeks.

 

 

I tried to play my Demi Lovato record today,  but the needle kept getting stuck. 

 

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Courtesy of my little cousin:

 

 

I’ve got a horse called Mayo.

 

Mayo neighs.

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Recent events in Stoke on Trent have inspired the BBC to develop an offshoot to one of their biggest hits

 

Cull the Midwife starts early next year

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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason.

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Did you hear about Monica Lewinsky becoming a Republican? The Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

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39042076_1726728097425711_49428643108974

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