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Why didn't Hitler get his driver license?

- He was way to hard with the gas

 

 

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1 hour ago, Putin said:

Why didn't Hitler get his driver license?

- He was way to hard with the gas

 

 

Doesn't work here.

We call it petrol.

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Vince Cable

Biggest fucking joke of all.

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Jim Mike and Steve are playing golf, Jim tees off and slices it into the woods, so he heads off to find his ball . Mike also slices it into the woods and he heads into the trees . Steve smacks it right down the middle of the fairway. He waits and waits but there is no sign of his mates . He walks into the woods to find them bumming the arse off each other. He says "you pair of dirty bastards I didn't know you were gay" The Mike protested "no it's not what you think I came into the woods and found Jim unconscious my shot must have knocked him out and he wasn't breathing" Steve said "well you're supposed to give the kiss of life not bum him". Mike said "that's how it fucking started"

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I had my first parachute jump today and I was terrified. This guy strapped himself to me and we jumped out. As we plummited he said "So how long have you been an instructor?"

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Who has the most stressful job in a hospital

 

The gynaecologists because they're always in a flap!

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2 hours ago, Paul Bearer said:

image.png

where is DEATH

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Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03p and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note. She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change." I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?" She sarcastically said " of course it would help" So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?" I said "Yes please!" "How much?" She asked I said "£18.97"

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I have been diagnosed with a rare form of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80s bands.

There is no cure.

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If the Stalk is the bird of births then the bird of birth control must be the Swallow

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44 minutes ago, maryportfuncity said:

If the Stalk is the bird of births then the bird of birth control must be the Swallow

Would it still be funny if you spelt the name of the bird correctly?

 

Stork

StorkBaby600x455_0.jpg

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Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours.

Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

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I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

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I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.

A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read.

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A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?”

The horse says, “Evolution.”

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A guy walks with a young boy into the woods.

The boy turns to him and says, “Hey mister, it’s getting really dark and I’m scared.”

The man replies, “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.”

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2 hours ago, runebomme said:

A guy walks with a young boy into the woods.

The boy turns to him and says, “Hey mister, it’s getting really dark and I’m scared.”

The man replies, “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.”

I think this joke was on this thread earlier except that it was Myra Hindley was walking with the little boy (somewhat darker humour when real people become involved).  Considering that we are on the 113th page of this thread I think we can excuse the occasional repeat.

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What does a frozen beer, a burned pizza and a pregnant woman have in common?

 

-An idiot took it out to late.

 

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Dair was a Cajun down South' Lewisana not long ago, an' he had twin horse--dass rare--an' he always was talkin about, "You know I Juan' cant tole dose horse apart, you know dat?"
Well anodder Cajun wen' to see him an' say "I'm gonna he'p you. Less measure dem horse."
"I done did dat."
"Less do it ag'in. You don't know nothin'. I'm gonna he'p you r'at now."
He say "Ho-kay," an bote of dem are 15 1/2 han's high in de dot.
He say, "We can't tole 'em from dat. Bote de same high."
He say, "What you better did is cut one o' dem tail--trim de tail."
"Hell I did dat, an' de damn t'ing grow r'at back Avery time."
"Well," he say, " trim dat mane hair."
"I did dat too, an' damn t'ing kept growin' back."
"Did you measure how long dry are, hanh?"
"No, I never t'ought about dat. Less measure 'em r'at now." Well set measure 'em, an' one is jus 'zactly t'ree fourth' of a Han' longer den de odder.
He say, "You see dair? Dass easy. Now you can tole dem twin apart from now on.
An' de owner say, "You know, I always did t'ought dat black horse is longer den dat white one, you know dat?"

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On 05/02/2019 at 23:35, Dr_T said:

I think this joke was on this thread earlier except that it was Myra Hindley was walking with the little boy (somewhat darker humour when real people become involved).  Considering that we are on the 113th page of this thread I think we can excuse the occasional repeat.

also what makes the joke better/worst is that the man completely selfish as he is concerned about him getting back and shows no remorse 

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