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At a job interview, the boss asked me, "What is your greatest weakness?" I glanced down at my wheelchair and said, "Surely you must be joking." "Not at all," he replied. "Alright then- underage fanny."

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That's one of those where I'm sure I should cringe, not laugh, but did anyway.

To paraphrase some old line I forget the provenance of "but I had the grace to feel bad about it".....Rab C Nesbitt probably.

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1.jpg

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Only in Glasgow. 

Witnessed totally disgusting behaviour in town yesterday. A man and a woman arguing in front of a load of children. First she smacked him on the head and then it all kicked off between them.
Then the police turned up and the policeman ended up using his baton on the bloke but the man actually managed to get the baton off the copper and started hitting the copper and the woman with it. Then a crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages...

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Just been in a shop in Liverpool and the packet said, 'Multi pack, not to be sold separately'. I had to get my Fathers Day card from somewhere else.

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Ukraine has announced plans to open Chernobyl as a theme park. They say ”Its just like Disneyland.” Yeah except the 6-foot mouse is real.

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I've put massive billboards up on the side of my house one says "Henry the VIII was a Fat protestant Bigamist" and the other says "Elizabeth the 1st was an ugly ginger virgin" . Well the wife said she always wanted to live in a Mock tudor house .

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I dropped the soap in the prison shower today. A big N-word, with a cock like a python, handed it back to me. "Nice try, you ugly cunt," he said.

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Rastus and Jerome, a couple of proud big black men were invited to a costume party where they had to come dressed as an emotion.  When they arrived their hostess greeted them at the door and her jaw dropped seeing Rastus stark bollocks naked except for a carton of custard over his cock.  Jerome was naked too with his modesty preserved by nothing more than a pear.

 

"Oh my!" she exclaimed, "But what emotions are you?"

 

Rastus went "Well I'm FUCKING DISGUSTED", and Jerome added "And I'm DEEP IN DESPAIR!"

 

 

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"So, Mr Schwarzenegger, let's play make believe. I'll be Mozart. Who'll you be?" "'I'll be Bach."

 

 

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So, that Jimmy Carr gag that made the papers

 

"Do you think dwarves are abortions that made it?"

 

Funny or too sick?

Tbh I laughed first so I've - kind of - settled that in my own mind

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I didn't laugh purely because I did not think it was particularly funny.

 If Jim Davidson had said 'Why do Pakistanis smell? So the blind can hate them too' he would have had every rent a quote in Westminster and all 'Offended of Kingston Upon Thames' all over him, pretty much finishing him for good but Carr? Pretty much fuck all apart from The Little People Charity expressing their dismay.

We live in strange times.

 

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Two priests are driving down the road when they are stopped by two police officers. "We're looking for two child molesters," the officers tell them. The priests look at each other before they speak. "We'll do it."

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What is the worst enemy of the Matterhorn? Antimatterhorn

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4 hours ago, bladan said:

What is the worst enemy of the Matterhorn? Antimatterhorn

I was called Matterhorn till I payed a doctor some money now I am mont blanc or so he promised

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19 hours ago, runebomme said:

I was called Matterhorn till I payed a doctor some money now I am mont blanc or so he promised

Never visit a doctor. And never drink any blanc until it's well chilled

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12 hours ago, bladan said:

Never visit a doctor. And never drink any blanc until it's well chilled

there is that

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Child to his mum; 'Mummy, what is dark humour?' 'Well sweetheart, you see that man over there with no arms?' 'No Mummy, I'm blind' 'Exactly.'

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4 hours ago, runebomme said:

Child to his mum; 'Mummy, what is dark humour?' 'Well sweetheart, you see that man over there with no arms?' 'No Mummy, I'm blind' 'Exactly.'

 

'Mummy, how long will I have to hop on one leg?' 'Well sweetheart, until the chainsaw is fixed'

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My phone’s autocorrect is such a bastard. To my embarrassment, I’ve just texted my mate asking if he wanted to go for a wank by the river. 

 

I meant the canal.

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For her birthday the wife wanted "something that went from 0-160 in four seconds"

 

I bought her weighing scales

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a man walks into a zoo the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. it's a shitzo

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