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A man and a woman meet in a bar and once they get talking they realise that they are both divorced.

"So what made you divorce?" the woman asks the man. 

"I was a bit too kinky for my wife," he replied.  "What about you?"

"Same, I was too kinky for my husband."  They exchanged a knowing look and she said "I live just around the corner, would you like to come back to mine for a while?"

They got back to her place and she says, "Excuse me while I change into something a little less comfortable."

She came back a few minutes later in full leathers, mask, with a whip, chains and handcuffs.  The whole shebang.  Just as she got there he was heading for the door.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"Well I've fucked your dog and shat in your handbag so I'm kinda done."

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Prime Minister of Finland Ahti Karjalainen was visiting Kenya back in 1971, and naturally his hosts took him on a safari. They drove for miles on a rattling jeep, and finally encountered an elephant. Dr Karjalainen pointed at it with his finger, and remarked: 'Tankero!' His main host, the local foreign minister, smiled heartily, and nodded in agreement not to offend his guest.

They kept on going, and crossed a small river. There were some hippos bathing in the water, and Dr Karjalainen pointed at them saying again: 'Tankero!'. The local host laughed a bit, and agreed: 'Yes, yes', but was getting seemingly confused at the same time.

The sun was getting close to the horizon, and pretty soon they had to get going back to town. While they were returning on their tracks, they suddenly noticed a lion laying down in the high grass. 'Tankero!' was Dr Karjalainen's remark again. Now the African minister, puzzled, turned to the Finnish PM's aide, and asked: 'What is he trying to say?' 'You'll see soon' was the humble reply, and while they were crossing back through the park's entrance gate they noticed a big sign with a warning: 'All animals are dangerous.'

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Why did dinosaurs become extinct?    They had Dinorexia nervosa

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What did the leper say to Mary Magdalene? "You can keep it"

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I was in the park today when a woman came up to me and said, "Are you taking photos of my daughter on your iPhone?" "Yes I'm taking photos of her," I replied, "But it's not what you think." "So what is it then?" she asked. I said, "A Samsung Galaxy."

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I was once charged with leaving the scene of an accident. It wasn't on purpose, I just didn't have my seatbelt on.

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How do you stop a galloping horse?

Put ten bob on it to win.

 

(I should really update that to reflect modern jargon but Andy Capp would get upset)

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Knock Knock

Whose there?

Grandad

QUICK, STOP THE CREMATION!

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Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

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Why wasn't a necrophile allowed to board the flight? He had too much hand luggage

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How do Russian nuclear engineers keep fit? They play Cherno-ball

 

666 dumb posts !!

 

 

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2 hours ago, bladan said:

How do Russian nuclear engineers keep fit? They play Cherno-ball

 

666 dumb posts !!

 

 

 

Ukrainian, perhaps?

 

'NAMBLA genius' my hairy bollocks.

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One of the best jokes at the Edinburgh Festival, apparently

 

Catherine Bohart: I suppose lesbian sex is a bit like cricket, in that it goes on for ever and there are a lot of men watching it at home, alone, on the internet.

 

Link to this and nine others: https://www.theguardian.com/stage/2019/aug/13/edinburgh-festival-2019-the-10-best-jokes?fbclid=IwAR08AsCL-yc7yJ8-Kypp_ENgl35azuHynXsqopajaPqRtcDrSmBjvjztFOo

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What is the favourite drink among vampires who are also specialists in Renaissance art? Virgin on the rocks

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How did Gargamel manage to destroy the Smurfs? He came out of the blue

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What did Jesus say after winning a joke contest? "For my joke is easy, and my burden is light."

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6 hours ago, bladan said:

How did Gargamel manage to destroy the Smurfs? He came out of the blue

Perhaps better if....

 

Why didn't Smurfette expect Papa Smurf to ejaculate on her face.

 

Cause it came out of the blue!

 

By the way did you hear about the porno actress who wouldn't let her co-stars cum on her face.  Eventually after many arguments she just took it on the chin.

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12 hours ago, Dr_T said:

Perhaps better if....

 

Why didn't Smurfette expect Papa Smurf to ejaculate on her face.

 

Cause it came out of the blue!

 

By the way did you hear about the porno actress who wouldn't let her co-stars cum on her face.  Eventually after many arguments she just took it on the chin.

So Papa Smurf is a sex guru. I'm worried about Smurfette. Gargamel is obviously a good guy who is trying to save her from a sex cult

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I have just been diagnosed with ADHD. Apparently, this condition can lie dormant in oh look a squirrel!

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The top 10 jokes at this year's Edinburgh Fringe:

  1. Olaf Falafel I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets.
  2. Richard Stott Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy."
  3. Milton Jones What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh.
  4. Jake Lambert A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. That's 20 cows'.
  5. Ross Smith A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it.
  6. Ross Smith Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning.
  7. Adele Cliff I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it.
  8. Richard Pulsford After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging.
  9. Mark Simmons To be or not to be a horse rider, that is equestrian.
  10. Ivo Graham I've got an Eton-themed Advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts.

 

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2 minutes ago, Cat O'Falk said:

The top 10 jokes at this year's Edinburgh Fringe:

  1. Olaf Falafel I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets.
  2. Richard Stott Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy."
  3. Milton Jones What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh.
  4. Jake Lambert A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. That's 20 cows'.
  5. Ross Smith A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it.
  6. Ross Smith Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning.
  7. Adele Cliff I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it.
  8. Richard Pulsford After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging.
  9. Mark Simmons To be or not to be a horse rider, that is equestrian.
  10. Ivo Graham I've got an Eton-themed Advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts.

 

 

Most of these are great, but I would have put the winner in 10th place.

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2 and 6 are my favourite. 

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Not sure if this has been posted before


How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.:)#

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68427570_3430764456995806_3283448351139299328_n.thumb.jpg.27ec54edbedf5b2816b34aede3d68e28.jpg

 

Ok, so it's american in origin. Sue me.

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