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16 hours ago, maryportfuncity said:

70610751_10156162630535981_8015538129828

this is a drill

 

Image result for ground drill

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Be fair to say Mrs MPFC didn't go a bundle on the following:

 

Our family once hosted this African exchange student that came from the tribal bush, and the lack of experience he had to Western culture was truly shocking. He asked me, "What again is this big white enormous cold thing in your kitchen that stores all of your food ?" "This is my wife."

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Football pundits are predicting the worst season ever for Manchester United. I'm not so sure, I think 1957/58 will take some fucking beating.

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I went to into a brothel last night and said how much for anal? She said "Sixty quid" I said"that's a bit expensive i think i'll leave it" She said "Tight Arse!" I said "Oh ...go on then"

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6 hours ago, maryportfuncity said:

I went to into a brothel last night and said how much for anal? She said "Sixty quid" I said"that's a bit expensive i think i'll leave it" She said "Tight Arse!" I said "Oh ...go on then"

Only when you forked out the dough did you realize that you had a screwed a shemale

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14 minutes ago, bladan said:

Only when you forked out the dough you realized that you had a screwed a shemale

I find hamafrodites more natural

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2 hours ago, runebomme said:

I find hamafrodites more natural

How much do they charge you?

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2 minutes ago, bladan said:

How much do they charge you?

 

double than the others

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A racehorse walks into a bar and the barman says...why the long face?

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Harvey Dent walks into a bar and Batman says... why two faces?

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Oh aye, and Stevie Wonder walks into a bar...

 

SMACK!

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This one's a bit more highbrow -

 

70691509_2352574361623217_52142199624066

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What did Tarzan say to a crocodile? "You're pulling my leg"

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One day Jane found Tarzan in the jungle. He was lean and muscular and she was very attracted to him. During the course of their conversation, she asked what he did for sex.

"Sex?" he asked. "What's that?"

She explained what sex was and he said, "Oh, Tarzan use a hole in the trunk of tree!"

Horrified, Jane said, "Oh, Tarzan you have it all wrong! I'll show you how to do it properly." She took off her dress, dropped to the ground and spread her legs wide.
"Here," she said, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and gave her a powerful kick in the crotch with his foot. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for bees first!"


 
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One day the Phantom found Tarzan in the jungle. He was scrawny and underweight and the Phantom was very attracted to him. During the course of their conversation, the Phantom asked what he did for gay sex.

"Gay sex?" Tarzan asked. "What's that?"

The Phantom explained what gay sex was and he said, "Oh, Tarzan use a hole in the trunk of tree!"

Horrified, the Phantom said, "Oh, Tarzan you have it all wrong! I'll show you how to do it properly." He took off his gun belt, hotpants and tights, dropped to the ground and spread his legs wide.
"Here," he said, "You must put it into my shit hole."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and poured a kettle of boiling coconut oil all over the Phantom's arse. The Phantom rolled around in agony. Eventually he managed to gasp, "I've got fourth-degree burns... I'm dying... What the hell did you do that sadistic act for?"

"Me Tarzan, you tree! Must lubricate first!"

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So there was this gross out song we used to sing in the junior school play-ground.

 

Tarzan of the jungle had a bellyache.

Ran to the toilet

[at which point you overact like fuck making diarhorrea noises etc. - all designed to impact on anyone listening who has delicate sensibilities)

Too late!

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20 minutes ago, maryportfuncity said:

So there was this gross out song we used to sing in the junior school play-ground.

 

Tarzan of the jungle had a bellyache.

Ran to the toilet

[at which point you overact like fuck making diarhorrea noises etc. - all designed to impact on anyone listening who has delicate sensibilities)

Too late!

that's not surprising considering that he ate raw meat had nothing to wipe himself with and ate more raw meat with unwashed hands

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11 minutes ago, runebomme said:

that's not surprising considering that he ate raw meat had nothing to wipe himself with and ate more raw meat with unwashed hands

 

Logically, I'm seeing your point

 

But...I'm not sure the way you put it would have had that crucial gross out effect in a west Cumbrian playgound

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Mary had a little skirt, slit right up the side,

Every time that she did move, you could see her thigh,

Mary had another skirt, slit right up the front,

But she didn't wear that one.

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Pornhub has been banned by every country on Earth. What is the world coming to?

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A distraught farmer finds all his cows frozen in the snow. He prays to god for help and a woman appears in front of him. She puts her arms around each cow and they defrost. "Thank you" says the grateful farmer,"are you an angel sent by god?". "No" says the woman,"I'm Thora Hird"
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On the radio they've supported Mental Health Day with the tagline .."Remember you're not alone." A bit fucking harsh on the schizophrenics.

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A Frenchman a Scotsman and a Jew are stranded in a desert.

The Frenchman exclaims 'I'm so thirsty I could drink a bottle of wine!

The Scotsman chimes in 'I'm so thirsty I could drink a bottle of Whiskey!

The Jew looks at them both and says 'I'm so thirsty...I must be diabetic!

 

I'll get my coat.

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A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past
Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He
told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said
'Sir...There's no money in that account.
''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.’
Not All Seniors Are Senile...    

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