A Joke

[deadsox 891]

This is possibly the worst joke I have ever heard:

 

Q) What do you call a man with no arms and legs lying on a beach?

 

A) Bob

 

 

Winnie-

That's supposed to be "in a pool". It doesn't make sense if he's lying on a beach.

 

By the way, what do you call a man with no arms and legs in a hot tub?

 

Stew.

[Lady Die 63]

> > An Australian, an Irishman and a Glaswegian are in a bar.

> >

> > They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the

> > corner.

> > He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

> >

> > They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs:

> >

> > My God, it's Jesus!"

> >

> > Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

> >

> > Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of

> > Fosters and a pint of Buckfast.

> >

> > Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and

> > Dri! nks the pints slowly, one after another.

> >

> > After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He

> > reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it,

> > thanking him for the Guinness.

> >

> > When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My

> > God!

> > The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

> >

> > Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the

> > lager.

> > As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate,

> > the bad back I've had all my life is completely

> > gone It's a miracle."

> >

> > Jesus then approaches the Glaswegian who knocks over a chair

> > and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God. "What's wrong

> > my son?" says Jesus.

> >

> > The Glaswegian shouts, "fu** off, I'm on

> > disability benefit!"

[Canadian Paul 93]

Perhaps not exactly a joke, but Microsoft is definetely setting a new standard for computational incompetence.

[Lady Die 63]

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2005:

 

CRACK FOUND ON GOVERNOR'S DAUGHTER

[imagine that!]

 

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

[No, really?]

 

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

[ That'll stop 'em. ]

 

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

 

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

[What a guy!]

 

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

[No-good-for-nothing lazy so-and-sos!]

 

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

 

War Dims Hope for Peace

[i can see where it might have that effect!]

 

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

[You think?]

 

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

[Who would have thought!]

 

Enfield ( London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

[They may be on to something!]

 

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges !

[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

 

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

[he probably IS the battery charge!]

 

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

[Weren't they fat enough?!]

 

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

[That's what he gets ! for eating ng those beans!]

 

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

[Taste like chicken?]

 

Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half

[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

 

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

[boy, are they tall!]

 

And the winner is....

 

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

[scsibear 4]

An old Cowboy goes into a Bar and orders himself a Beer and a Whisky, he's just sitting there contemplating his day,

when a young Woman comes into the bar and sits down at a stool on his Right.

 

"Hi" she says, "Are you a Real Cowboy" ?

 

"Well" he says, "I've delivered foals, reared horses, fixed fences, taken part in rodeo's, bred cattle and been on Wagon trails,

I'm 75 now, and I've been doing it all my life, so I guess you could say I'm a real cowboy".

 

"Ohh, that's great" she says, "I'm a Lesbian, I just can't stop thinking about Women,

when I'm in the car I think about women, when I'm eating I think about women,

when I take a bath I think about women, even when I sleep I think about women".

 

They shortly go back to thier drinks, and sit in silence. Later a man comes in and sits down on a stool to the old Cowboys Left.

 

"Are you a real Cowboy" asks the man.

 

The old Cowboy replies:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Well, I thought I was but apparently I'm a Lesbian" !!!!

[BobTheChicken 0]

There were these two deaf blokes sat in a pub one day. One turns to the other and says "Nnduu wann a drinnk?"

 

The other one says "Nyes pleeeth. A pinn off biiiee pleeth".

 

So the first one goes up to the bar and orders 2 pints of beer. Whilst waiting he says to the barman "I thawt yew were suppothed ntoo haath thum muthic mplayinnn?"

 

The barman replies "Well, we have sir!"

 

The deaf bloke says "Well I cannnt nyeer id. What ith it? Ith it wock n woll?"

 

The barman says "No, it's not rock 'n roll".

 

"Ith it evvy myetal?"

 

"No, it's not heavy metal", says the barman.

 

"Oh, wight. It muth be djaz then?" says the deaf bloke.

 

"No, no, it's not jazz sir".

 

"Ith it punk wok?"

 

"No, it's not punk rock".

 

"Eathy lithnin?"

 

"No, sir, it's not easy listening".

 

"Well, what ith it then", says the, rather confused, deaf bloke.

 

"It's just some Country and Western sir".

 

"Oh, wight", says the deaf bloke, a little surprised, who collects the two pints of beer and takes him to his mate. When he gets to the table his mate turns to him and says

 

"Ear, I thought they were suppothed to be mplayinn thum muthic".

 

The first one replies, "Well, they are!"

 

The second deaf bloke says "Well I cannnt nyeer id. What ith it? Ith it wock n woll?"

 

The first one says "No, ith not wock n woll".

 

"Ith it evvy myetal?"

 

"No, ith not evvy myetal", says the first.

 

"Oh, wight. It muth be djaz then?" says the second deaf bloke.

 

"No, no, ith not djaz".

 

"Ith it punk wok?"

 

"No, ih not punk wok".

 

"Eethy lithinin?"

 

"No, no, ith not eethy lithinin".

 

"Well, ith it then", says the second deaf bloke.

 

"Apparantly, ith thum ncunt from prethton".

[Paul Bearer 5,642]

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and

they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be

admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space

left that day, so St. Peter must decide one among them.

 

St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why

she should go to heaven.

 

So she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're

the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will

please him if He's able to see them every day for eternity."

 

St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Queen Liz the same question.

She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of

Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up,

and rinses her private parts with it.

St. Peter says, "Ok, Your Majesty, you may go in."

 

Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I

show you two of God's own creations, she performs a

disgusting, hygiene act, and gets in and I don't?"

 

"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a

pair any day.

[Paul Bearer 5,642]

Cat and dog owners will like this one

 

Dear Dogs and Cats,

 

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.. The

other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw

print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

 

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

 

I cannot buy anything bigger than a super king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.

It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to

the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out

and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

 

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If,by some

miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not

necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years; canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

 

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I

cannot stress this enough!

 

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our

front door:

 

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

 

1. They live here. You don't.

 

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

 

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

 

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

 

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids... they eat less, don't ask for

money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your

clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college - and if they get

pregnant, you can sell their children.

[zebedee 0]

A boy walks into class well after the morning bell.

"Joshua, why are you late?"

"Sorry miss" replies the boy, " My dad got burnt"

"Oh" said the teacher, "not too badly i hope"

"Well they dont f**k about at the crematorium"....................

[Boudicca 702]

An elderly Jewish man goes to Temple.

 

"What have I done wrong, my God?", he says.

 

"My son. My ONLY son...

 

I raised him to be a good Jew.

 

I sent him to Israel, the Holy Land.

 

How does he repay me?

 

He becomes a Christian!"

 

For a moment there is silence.

 

Then, a booming voice responds with,

 

"Oy! Tell me about it!"

[deadsox 891]

An old Jewish Rabbi prays for year after year to win the lottery. "Please God, I could do wonderful things with the money, I could put a new roof on the Temple, I could send the children to college" etc, etc.

 

Finally one day as he's praying to God to win the lottery, the sky gets dark, there's thunder and lightning and a big voice booms out-

 

"Abe, meet me half way- buy a ticket!"

[deadsox 891]

Time for some Manx "jokes" I reckon

 

 

Q:How many Manxmen does it take to change a lightbulb

A: There's no need for change yessir

 

Q: What's Manx for girlfriend

A: Sister

 

Q: What's the definition of a virgin in Peel?

A: Someone who can run faster than her brothers

 

Q: What does a Peel girl use for protection during sex

A: A bus shelter

 

Q: Why couldn't Jesus have been born in Peel

A: They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin

 

Jesus was wandering around the Isle of Man when an old Manx man spots him

"Not from round here are you yessir" Jesus "No I'm from across" ( Only a Manx dweller would get that)

 

Handy-

Manx sounds like a community near me that we like to kid about- Seabrook

 

Anyway, what does a Seabrook girl say after the first time she has sex?

 

"Get off me Daddy, you're crushing my cigarettes"

[Lady Die 63]

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

 

They were determined to make this a real vacation

by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

 

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and

bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals,

sunglasses, etc.

 

The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their

"tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying

a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous",

blonde wearing nothing but a thong came walking straight towards

them.

 

They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled

and said "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father,"

nodding and addressing each of them.

 

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were

priests?

 

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more

outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before

you even saw them.

 

Once again the two priests (incognito) settled on the beach, in

their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same

gorgeous topless blonde, barely wearing a string, taking her sweet

time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them,

said "Good morning, Fathers," and started to walk away.

 

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said,

"Just a minute young lady."

 

"Yes?" she replied.

 

"We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the

world did you know we are priests - dressed as we are?"

 

She replied, "Father, it's me. . . Sister Mary Frances!"

[Paul Bearer 5,642]

80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are

Not Stupid Convention."

 

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that

blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde steps up. The

leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says,

"Eighteen."

 

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start

cheering, "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

 

The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000

of you and the worldwide press here, I guess we can give her another

chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she

eventually says, "Ninety?"

 

The leader is quite perplexed and sighs -- everyone is

disheartened, the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to

yell and wave their hands shouting, "Give her another chance, give her

another chance." The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm

than damage, eventually says, "OK!, one more chance. What is 2 plus 2?"

 

The girl closes her eyes and after a whole minute eventually says,

"Four." Through out the stadium 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave

their arms, stomp their feet and scream, "Give her another chance, give

her another chance!"

[Paul Bearer 5,642]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his

dearly departed mother and started back toward

his car when his attention was diverted to another

man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be

praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,

"Why did you have to die? Why did you have to

die?"

 

The first man approached him and said, "Sir,

I don't wish to interfere with your private grief,

but this demonstration of pain is more than I've

ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply?

A child? A parent?"

 

The mourner took a moment to collect himself,

then replied, "My wife's first husband."

[Windsor 2,142]

New Loch Ness Monster theory.

 

(Laughable)

[Phantom 2,467]

A yorkshireman walks into a vets and says, "I've come about t'cat". The Vet says, "Is it a tom?".

 

Yorkshireman replies, "No it's down here in t'basket".

[Canadian Paul 93]

New Loch Ness Monster theory.

 

(Laughable)

 

Interesting, but I wouldn't exactly go telling my friends that they'd figured out a plausable explanation of the phenomenon.

[Phantom 2,467]

New Loch Ness Monster theory.

 

(Laughable)

 

Interesting, but I wouldn't exactly go telling my friends that they'd figured out a plausable explanation of the phenomenon.

 

after two years of research he came up with the theory of elephants.

I do hope no tax payers money went into that

[scsibear 4]

New Loch Ness Monster theory.

 

(Laughable)

 

Interesting, but I wouldn't exactly go telling my friends that they'd figured out a plausable explanation of the phenomenon.

 

after two years of research he came up with the theory of elephants.

I do hope no tax payers money went into that

 

To think these guys get paid money for this too - I'm in the wrong job !!!

[M Busby Airlines 7]

Palaeontology?

 

Whats Michael Palin got to do with this?

[Canadian Paul 93]

Palaeontology?

 

Whats Michael Palin got to do with this?

 

I'm not sure. I had him on a deadpool once on a hunch.

 

A failed hunch at that.

[Captain Oates 21]

• A guy walked into a bar. The bartender said: "You've got a steering wheel down your pants." "Yeah, I know," said the guy. "It's driving me nuts!"
   
   
  
• Some bacon and eggs walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."
   
   
  
• A baby seal walked into a bar and sat down. "What can I get you?" asked the bartender. The baby seal said: "Anything but a Canadian Club."
   
   
  
• A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
   
   
  
• Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first says, "Yes, I'm positive."
   
   
  
• Rene Descartes walks into a bar and orders a vodka. The barman asks him if he wants it with ice. "I think not", says Descartes.... and promptly disappears.
   
   
  
• A strip of red tarmac walks into a bar, walks over to the barman and yells:
  "GET ME A BEER AND A PACKET OF CRISPS"
  The barman does as he's told very quickly, the tarmac drinks the beer, wolfs down the crisps and walks out with out paying.
  A man sat at the bar turns round and asks,
  "Why didn't you stop him?"
  "I'm not messing with him," replies the barman, "he's a cyclepath"....
   
   
  
• A termite walked into a bar and said: "Is the bar tender here?"
   
   
  
• A dyslexic walks into a bra...
  

[VSBfromH 74]

That reminds me...

 

Q. What do the letters "DNA" stand for?

 

A. National Dyslexia Association

 

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who lies awake at night wondering whether there is a dog?

 

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I'm dyslexic

Dna os ear uyo

 

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I'm schizophrenic

And so am I

[M Busby Airlines 7]

Im dyslexic, on holiday in Thailand I gave a woman 50 quid to spend the night in a warehouse.