A Joke

[Paul Bearer 5,645]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly

and close to death.

 

They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when

all of a sudden.......

 

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet"

 

"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".

 

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and

there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

 

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back

bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

 

"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree".

 

"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't

forget"

 

"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees

no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

 

And with that ....Luis Races towards the tree.

 

He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a

sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks.

 

It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he

manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

 

"Pepe...go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree"

 

"Luis Luis mi amigo...what ees it?

 

"Pepe..ees not a bacon tree...

 

Ees

 

Ees

 

Ees

 

Ees

 

Eees a Ham Bush !!

[CarolAnn 924]

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

 

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

[One shot Paddy 1,141]

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a

deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up

and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the

doctor about her baby.

 

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins..... a boy and a girl. The

babies are fine now. However, they were poorly at birth and had to Be

christened immediately - your brother came in and named them.

 

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus no, not me

brother...he's a fecking clueless idiot." Expecting the worst, she asks

the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?" "Denise," says the

doctor.

 

The new mother is somewhat relieved. "Wow, that's a beautiful name. I

guess I was wrong about my brother....I like Denise. " Then she asks,

"What's the boy's name?" "Denephew"

[grobler 35]

A man once had a dog that he loved very much. One day, the dog fell suddenly ill and died. Not wanting to believe it, he took Fido to his trusted veteranarian. The doctor examined the dog carefully and, with much sadness, confirmed that he had indeed passed away. Tearfully, the man demanded a second opinion.

 

With all the compassion of his long years in the field, the doctor nodded and left the exam room. Shortly, he returned with a labrador in tow. The retriever walked around the other dog, sniffing here and there as he went. With a sadness in his eyes of the sort that can be mustered only by those of his breed, he looked up at the man, shook his head, and walked out. Now nearing hysterical grief, the man asked for a third opinion.

 

With great patience, the doctor left, this time returning with an old tabby that had been the office pet for many long years. The cat walked around the dog, carefully examining him and, with tail twitching ruefully, confirmed the diagnosis.

 

Finally facing reality, the man began to write out a check for the usual fee. Seeing him due so, the doctor said, as tactfully as he could, "Actually, this visit will be $1500."

 

"$1500?!" exclaimed the grief-stricken man, "Why, my visits never cost a penny more than $45!"

 

"Yes, sir, but that charge doesn't include lab work or cat scans."

[Banshees Scream 107]

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey... 'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean 'the elixir of Christmas cheer' the shield against winter chill' the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children' then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise!"

[Godot 148]

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey... 'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean 'the elixir of Christmas cheer' the shield against winter chill' the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children' then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise!"

Was that a windblown piece of tumbleweed that just drifted across my screen?

[Lady Die 63]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen

you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"What do you mean? I'm fine."

"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "we were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball

hit my leg, but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

"Oh yeah? Well, what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had

both hands."

"Well, we were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in

a sword fight and my hand was cut off, but the Doc fixed me up with the

hook, and I feel great, really."

"Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last time you

were in here you had both eyes."

"One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I

looked up and one of them crapped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't have lost an eye

just from some bird crap!"

It was my first day with the hook."

[themaninblack 2,112]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen

you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"What do you mean? I'm fine."

"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "we were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball

hit my leg, but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

"Oh yeah? Well, what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had

both hands."

"Well, we were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in

a sword fight and my hand was cut off, but the Doc fixed me up with the

hook, and I feel great, really."

"Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last time you

were in here you had both eyes."

"One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I

looked up and one of them crapped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't have lost an eye

just from some bird crap!"

It was my first day with the hook."

 

[One shot Paddy 1,141]

Three ladies all worked in the same office with the same female boss.

Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.

 

One day, the ladies decided that, when the boss left, they would

Leave right behind her.

After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she

Know they went home early?

 

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little

gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

 

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the

Spa before meeting a dinner date.

 

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but

When she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.

 

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to

See her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and

crept out of her house.

 

The next day, at their coffee break, the bru nette and redhead planned

To leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go

With them.

 

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!

 

[Monoclinic 39]

Why did the scarecrow win a Nobel prize?

 

Because he was out-standing in his field.

[Lady Die 63]

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said

"I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on

Broadway, he had the right credentials.

 

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

 

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

 

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into

Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name."

 

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I

will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

 

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will

NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm

telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to

represent you."

 

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he

left the agent's office.

 

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.

Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is

awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter

enclosed...

 

"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an

actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined

to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would

never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I

left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were

right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your

office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it

without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my

appreciation.

 

Thank you for your advice..

 

Sincerely,

 

Dick van Dyke

[VSBfromH 74]

Three ladies all worked in the same office with the same female boss.

etc. etc.

 

In the version I heard, the "office" was Man Utd's training ground, the blonde was David Beckham, the "husband" was Posh Spice, the "female boss" was Sir Alex Ferguson and the brunette and the redhead were (I think) Dwight Yorke and Teddy Sheringham, which dates the joke somewhat! I'm sure there are older versions still...

[Banshees Scream 107]

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said "We have an opening for people like you" "Oh great," he said, "What is it?" "It's called the door!

[Gunjaman5000 30]

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey... 'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean 'the elixir of Christmas cheer' the shield against winter chill' the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children' then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise!"

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said "We have an opening for people like you" "Oh great," he said, "What is it?" "It's called the door!

Royce did you get stuck in a lift with a copy of Reader's Digest?

[Banshees Scream 107]

Royce did you get stuck in a lift with a copy of Reader's Digest?

 

I'm not big on those magazines. I'm bound to be inspired by my surroundings. Like spray painted words on the back of a van.

[TLC 9]

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey... 'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean 'the elixir of Christmas cheer' the shield against winter chill' the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children' then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise!"

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said "We have an opening for people like you" "Oh great," he said, "What is it?" "It's called the door!

Royce did you get stuck in a lift with a copy of Reader's Digest?

I hope so as I'm very much looking forward to again reading some hilarious snippets of 'Life's Like That' and 'Humour In Uniform', and some uplifting news from 'All To The Good'.

 

I will read almost anything put in front of me (dvd player instructions, the huge leaflets that come with most medicines etc.), and unfortunately as a child my parents suscribed to Reader's Digest. Due to that I wasted a fair chunk of my semi-precious life reading about the sort of nonsense the Daily Mail would turn down.

 

Oh, and their 'Book of Facts' encyclopedia type books they brought out each xmas (probably designated as 'for boys' in those days) and I then duly got.

 

I'm surprised I didn't turn out as a tory boy, I was told that Fred Basset was funny by one of my apparently temporarily rabid family members, for the love of god.

[Godot 148]

I recall once at the dentist's becoming absorbed in "I am John's testicle"

[maryportfuncity 10,011]

George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says:

 

"As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how my country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom"

 

The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

 

George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"

 

To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince".

 

Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How bout an Empire then?"

 

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies " Look, Bush, to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

 

Before George Bush could utter another word, the Queen said:

 

 

 

 

 

"I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country".

[Captain Oates 21]

Shamelessly stolen from the other Hartlepool forum:

 

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday, when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the Child Custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

 

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

 

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the Judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

 

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Cricket Team, who the boy firmly believes are "not capable of beating anyone".

[The Pooka 24]

I'm surprised I didn't turn out as a tory boy, I was told that Fred Basset was funny by one of my apparently temporarily rabid family members, for the love of god.

People found the Larks (Labour paper) and the Gambols (Tory paper) funny as well. About as funny as cancer I'd say ....

[The Pooka 24]

Shamelessly stolen from the other Hartlepool forum:

 

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday, when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the Child Custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

 

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

 

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the Judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

 

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Cricket Team, who the boy firmly believes are "not capable of beating anyone".

Sorry Cap'n ..... but I just don't get it.

[Captain Oates 21]

--snip--

Sorry Cap'n ..... but I just don't get it.

Bear in mind that I'm not English.

[Rebecca de Winter 7]

--snip--

Sorry Cap'n ..... but I just don't get it.

Bear in mind that I'm not English.

 

Nor am I and that's what makes the joke funny....don't be thick, Pooka!

[Captain Oates 21]

Another good one from This Is Hartlepool Forum.

 

I wonder whom I'll upset this time?

 

(Please delete the above post - I didn't do it to upset the mods, honest!)

[Paul Bearer 5,645]

(Please delete the above post - I didn't do it to upset the mods, honest!)

 

Your wish is my command