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What do you call a man with a rabbit up his arse?

 

Warren.

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Two Islamic extremists are out shopping and go into Millets (camping store)... one tries on a backpack and says to the other... “Does my bomb look big in this?”

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A lesbian lady goes to the gynaecologist for a check up. Shining a light and having a good look around he says "Goodness me, it's very clean in there!". "Well it should be," replied our lesbian leading lady, "I get a woman in three times a week." :huh:

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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

 

No idea

 

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

 

Still no idea

 

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no penis?

 

Still no f*****g idea

 

I'll stop now and lie down in a darkened room for a while

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The only racist I've ever laughed at

 

 

A man wants to change his nationality to Irish so he goes to the doctor who tells him that it's a risky procedure as means removing 50% of his brain. The man is sure he wants to go ahead.

At the end of the op the doctor speaks to him "I'm afraid there's been a terrible mistake sir. Instead of removing 50% of your brain we've removed 80%. I'm so sorry"

The man replies "Fair dinkum no worries mate"

 

 

 

Now two rude ones

Old man to his wife "F**k you"

Wife "F**k you too"

Old man " You know I just don't get why these young folk enjoy this oral thing"

 

Why are men like kebabs?

They seem like a good idea when you're drunk but when you wake up in the morning you've got a nasty taste in your mouth and yoghurt down your leg

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Now this whole thread really should be deleted,most of the jokes aren't even DEATH related,and some of the jokes are so old,they're decomposing.

 

:banghead:

There has to be just a small bit of laughter

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OK,here's an old joke, but at least it is death related.

 

 

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors:

his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer.

 

"I know," the old man sighed, "they say you can't take it with you. But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken.

Suppose the Egyptians were right. I'd like to have something with me, just in case."

 

His three advisors looked at each other in silent wonderment.

 

"So," continued the old man, "I am giving each of you an envelope containing $100,000 in cash.

I would be deeply grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that

if it turns out that cash is useful, I'll have a nest egg for eternity."

 

They each solemnly agree to carry out his last wishes. Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man

passes away. At his funeral, each of his three advisors were seen slipping their envelopes into the coffin.

 

After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor, becoming quite emotional, turned to the other

two and said, "Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because

of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So,

I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked."

 

At this the priest, a tear in his eye, said: "I, too, have a confession to make. As you know, our small church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So

I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as our friend requested."

 

Fixing his sternest gaze on the doctor and the priest, the lawyer, shaking his head in disgust, said, "I am astonished and

deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn promises to our dear old friend and benefactor."

 

The lawyer, pointing an accusing finger at the doctor and priest, said: "I want you both to know that I placed

in his coffin my personal cheque for the full $100,000.!"

I must be very slow. I don't get this joke at all.

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I must be very slow. I don't get this joke at all.

It's probably sufficient just to understand that the lawyer is the guilty one.

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I must be very slow. I don't get this joke at all.

It's probably sufficient just to understand that the lawyer is the guilty one.

The lawyer took the $100,000 in cash for himself and put a personal cheque for $100,000 in the coffin, knowing that the dead man would never be able to cash it.

 

Hopefully this clears it up for you.

 

Regards,

 

ff ;)

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Guest Guest
The lawyer took the $100,00 in cash for himself and put a personal cheque for $100,00 in the coffin, knowing that the dead man would never be able to cash it.

 

Hopefully this clears it up for you.

 

Regards,

 

ff cool.gif

 

FF - Don't you ever feel over-qualified for being a Man U fan?

 

;)

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Bollox - I am such a fcukwit and I don't even like Man U.......

 

- Login Problem AGAIN ^ -

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Hello all - from my new location across the pond!

 

I thought I'd rejoin you all by way of a thematically relevant joke, kindly sent to me by my mom. It's ever-so-slightly out of date, but still rather amusing:

 

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93.

 

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started...

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What is the difference between a geneologist and a gynecologist?

 

 

One looks into the family tree whilst the other looks into the family bush.

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A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She

got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the

party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she

argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to

bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by

not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

 

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened

without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to

the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her

costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching

her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

 

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting

around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he

could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss

there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive

babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted

his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

 

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was

her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her

ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and

had a little bang.

 

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went

home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering

what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

 

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what

kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You

know I never have a good time when you're not there."

 

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

 

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.

When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other

guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had

a real good time!"

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What do you call a Jewish baker?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Adolf Hitler!

 

 

(budum tish)

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What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

A tick falls off of you when you die.

 

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

 

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?

There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

 

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

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Kate Moss is wandering around another celebrity party, drinking champagne and nipping to the ladies to powder her nose....

 

Jeremy Clarkson & Kate end up standing side by side, watching the party-goers. For want of anyone better to talk to, Kate introduces herself.

 

"Hi, my name's Kate Moss, I'm a supermodel." She says smugly, wondering who this great big ugly man is. "And what do you do?"

 

"Very pleased to meet you Kate!" Jeremy is thrilled, he's always had a bit of a thing for Kate. "I'm Jeremy Clarkson and I do Top Gear."

 

Kate's eyes light up & she shuffles closer to Jeremy. "Top Gear? Great, can you sort me out with a couple of grams?"

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C L A Y P I G E O N S H O O T I N G

 

Hi, I don't want to start a new topic for this, but please can someone help me? I'm going clay pigeon shooting for the first time today & is there any advice or anything that anyone can offer me? I've got a 12 bore to use (is that OK for beginners?). Is there anything I need to know? Aside from aim at the clay pigeons of course... thanks.

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C L A Y  P I G E O N  S H O O T I N G

 

Hi, I don't want to start a new topic for this, but please can someone help me?  I'm going clay pigeon shooting for the first time today & is there any advice or anything that anyone can offer me?  I've got a 12 bore to use (is that OK for beginners?).  Is there anything I need to know?  Aside from aim at the clay pigeons of course... thanks.

Not sure what you mean by "aim at the clay pigeons of course"

 

One useful bit of info - they don't look at all like pigeons. More like little frisbees.

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Shouldn't you be aiming slightly in front of the clays?

I don't know? Should I? Is this something that I can pick up in a day or am I going to make a total arse of self? I've never even held a gun. But I have been told that my left eye is my dominant eye. This is important apparently. Is there any shooting etiquette I should be aware of?

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Shouldn't you be aiming slightly in front of the clays?

I don't know? Should I? Is this something that I can pick up in a day or am I going to make a total arse of self? I've never even held a gun. But I have been told that my left eye is my dominant eye. This is important apparently. Is there any shooting etiquette I should be aware of?

Don't shoot your fellow clay pigeoners.

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