A Joke

[Paul Bearer 5,650]

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening

stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed

beside his wife who was already asleep.

 

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the

end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe.

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are

you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom

and I'm St Peter."

 

Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be,

I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to

my family. . . you've got to send me back straight

away."

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but

there is a catch.

We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

 

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not

far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a

hen. A flash of light later he was covered in

feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

 

"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this

strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're

the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day

here?"

 

"It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this

strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."

 

 

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell

me you've never laid an egg before?"

"Never!" replies Dave.

"Well just relax and let it happen

So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later,

an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense

feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got

the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the

first time.

 

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness

was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated

as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him

. . . . . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay

his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of

his head and heard his wife shouting...

 

"Dave, wake up you drunken bastard, you've sh*t the

bed.

[themaninblack 2,112]

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening

stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed

beside his wife who was already asleep.

 

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the

end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe.

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are

you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom

and I'm St Peter."

 

Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be,

I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to

my family. . . you've got to send me back straight

away."

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but

there is a catch.

We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

 

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not

far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a

hen. A flash of light later he was covered in

feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

 

"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this

strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're

the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day

here?"

 

"It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this

strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."

 

 

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell

me you've never laid an egg before?"

"Never!" replies Dave.

"Well just relax and let it happen

So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later,

an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense

feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got

the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the

first time.

 

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness

was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated

as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him

. . . . . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay

his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of

his head and heard his wife shouting...

 

"Dave, wake up you drunken bastard, you've sh*t the

bed.

 

 

[Godot 148]

The great Omani's chicken joke has led to a run ( ) on chicken jokes in the Daily Telegraph. The first three:

 

One chicken to another, seeing a plate of scrambled egg; "Look at that crazy mixed-up kid".

 

 

 

A man struck up a conversation in a bar,with a man who turned out to be a chicken farmer. The farmer mentioned that he was breeding three legged chickens because the leg was always the most popular piece to eat. "Presumably the flavour is the same" asked the man - to which the farmer replied "don't know, I haven't managed to catch one of the little buggers yet..

 

 

 

 

A chicken and an egg are in bed. The chicken is lying with his head against the headboard, smoking a cigarette, looking satisfied. The egg turns over angrily, snatches the covering over herself. So now we know the answer.

[maryportfuncity 10,013]

Asylum seeker at the side of the road eating grass.

Car stops and driver says; "don't eat that come home with me".

Asylum seeker says; "can i bring my 4 wives and 12 kids?"

Driver says; "feck off! it's only a small lawn!"

[One shot Paddy 1,141]

Once upon a time in the kingdom of heaven God went missing for seven days.

Eventually Michael the Archangel found him. He enquired of God "Where were you?", God breathed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look what I,m after making".

 

Michael looked puzzled and said "What is it?". God replied "It's another planet, but I'm after putting life on it. I've named it Earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and South America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them will be a hot spot. Now look over there I've put a continent of whites in the North and another one of blacks in the South."

 

Then the Archangel said "What's that green dot there?".

 

"Ahhhh, that's the Emerald Isle, that's avery special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on Earth, beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers and exquisite coastline. The people there are going to be great craic and will be found traveling the world. They'll be playwrights and poets, singers and songwriters. And I'm going to give them this black liquid, which they'll go mad on, and for which people will come from the far corners of the Earth to drink."

 

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, then seemingly startled, he said "Hold on a second, what about BALANCE, you said there was going to be balance..?"

 

 

 

God replied wisely, "Wait till you see the w**nkers I'm putting next door to them!"

[maryportfuncity 10,013]

Paddy & his wife lying in bed one night, but the neighbour's dog's barking like mad in the garden.

 

Paddy says, "To hell with this", and storms off downstairs. Five minutes later he comes back upstairs; his wife says, "What did you do"?

 

"I've put the f.ucker in our garden, let's see how THEY like it!"

[Lady Grendel 137]

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He stated that hurricanes at one time were all given feminine names and that ships and planes are usually referred to as "she."

 

One of the students raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" Not having a ready answer, the teacher divided the class into two groups, males in one and females in the other, and asked each group to decide whether a computer should be considered masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

 

 

The group of women concluded that computers should be considered masculine because:

 

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

 

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

 

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

 

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should be considered feminine because:

 

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

 

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

 

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

 

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

[Godot 148]

WOMAN'S DIARY:

 

Saturday 20th October 2007

 

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I had

been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit

late so thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere

quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I

suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

 

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and

didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.

I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he

hesitated but followed.

 

I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half

shook his head and turned the television on.

 

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed.

 

I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He

just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but

later he did, and I was surprised when we made love.

He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that

he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else.

I cried myself to sleep.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MANS DIARY:

 

Saturday 20th October 2007

 

England lost to South Africa. Gutted. Got a shag though

[maryportfuncity 10,013]

Q - Why do seagulls have wings?

 

A - To beat pikies to the tip!

[maryportfuncity 10,013]

One for those from the north of England:

 

A man runs into work work with his new shirt and starts raving at one of his colleagues.

"look, look at my new shirt! its pure silk and has Cactuses printed all ower it"

"cacti"

"sod my tie look at my ace new shirt!!"

[maryportfuncity 10,013]

Q - Where do people go when they die?

 

A - Panama.

[Paul Bearer 5,650]

The Maid asked for a pay raise.

 

The Madam was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want an increase?"

 

Maria: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."

 

Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"

 

Maria: "The Master said so."

 

Madam: "Oh."

 

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

 

Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?"

 

Maria: "The Master did."

 

Madam: "Oh."

 

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

 

Madam (very upset now): "Did the Master say so as well?"

 

Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."

 

SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE

[Tuber Mirum 119]

A hard act to follow Mr. HCW, so I'll give it a go with this Heaven-Related German Sausage joke I read yesterday:

 

 

A sausage dies and goes to heaven.

 

St Peter looks at the sausage and doesn't know what it is. There'd never been a sausage in heaven before.

He asks around, and nobody knows what is is or what to do with it.

None of the saints or the angels have ever seen a sausage in heaven before, so they are all a bit lost for ideas as to what it could be.

Eventually the Virgin Mary walks by, so St Peter asks her if she knows what it is.

Mary takes a look at the sausage and says:

 

"Oh yes, I've seen that before. It's the Holy Ghost"

[Godot 148]

And while you're at it chop those dull Happy Birthday posts. Chop the jokes thread, chop deathlist kitchen, chop life. Chop a job. Chop a career. Chop a family. Chop a f*****g big television, Chop washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Chop good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Chop fixed- interest mortgage repayments. Chop a starter home. Chop your friends. Chop leisure wear and matching luggage. Chop a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of f*****g fabrics. Chop DIY and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Chop sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing f*****g junk food into your mouth. Chop rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, f**ked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Chop your future. Chop life... But why would I want to do a thing like that?

[Dave to the Grave 11]

And while you're at it chop those dull Happy Birthday posts.

What, after I have gone and embraced my feminine side, and posted my first cake for Mark Lawrenson?

 

It's been said before, but Mark Lawrenson looks like a thatched cottage. He even had a little thatched porch, which he appears to have had removed recently. I hope he had planning permission.

[Godot 148]

And while you're at it chop those dull Happy Birthday posts.

What, after I have gone and embraced my feminine side, and posted my first cake for Mark Lawrenson?

 

It's been said before, but Mark Lawrenson looks like a thatched cottage. He even had a little thatched porch, which he appears to have had removed recently. I hope he had planning permission.

 

Talking of embracing your feminine side:

 

There's a couple who have just got married. On their wedding night, the bride turns to her husband and says: "There is something I have to confess, I used to be a hooker."

 

The husband takes this rather well and says: "That's OK, I find it quite erotic, tell me about it."

 

"OK my name was Bob and I used to play for Featherstone Rovers."

[Paul Bearer 5,650]

And while you're at it chop those dull Happy Birthday posts. Chop the jokes thread, chop deathlist kitchen, chop life. Chop a job. Chop a career. Chop a family. Chop a f*****g big television, Chop washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Chop good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Chop fixed- interest mortgage repayments. Chop a starter home. Chope your friends. Chop leisure wear and matching luggage. Chop a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of f*****g fabrics. Chop DIY and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Chop sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing f*****g junk food into your mouth. Chop rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, f**ked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Chop your future. Chop life... But why would I want to do a thing like that?

 

 

Are you Denis Leary in disguise?

[Paul Bearer 5,650]

London Times Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense*

 

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who

has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,

since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

 

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the

worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

 

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more

than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in

charge).

 

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but

overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy

charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended

from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for

reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

 

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job

that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly

children.

 

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental

consent to administer sun lotion or an Elastoplast to a student; but

could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to

have an abortion.

 

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became

contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better

treatment than their victims.

 

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a

burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

 

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to

realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in

her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

 

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his

wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He

is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want it Now,

Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

 

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you

still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do

nothing.'

 

And a little extra...

 

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 600

employees and has the following statistics?

 

29 have been accused of spouse abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad cheques

117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

4 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year

 

Which organization is this?

 

It's the 635 members of the House of Commons, the same group that cranks

out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in

line

[Godot 148]

And while you're at.... chop your future. Chop life... But why would I want to do a thing like that?

 

 

Are you Denis Leary in disguise?

I'm just a regular Joe with a regular job

I'm your average white suburbanite slob

I like football and porno and books about war

I've got an average house with a nice hardwood floor

My wife and my job, my kids and my car

My feet on my table, and a cuban cigar

 

But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a man like me interested

(Oh no) No Way (Uh-uh)

No, I've gotta go out and have fun

At someone else's expense

(Oh yeah) Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

 

I drive really slow in the ultrafast lane

While people behind me are going insane

 

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, such an asshole)

[Paul Bearer 5,650]

One of his finest ballads

[Gunjaman5000 30]

A hard act to follow Mr. HCW, so I'll give it a go with this Heaven-Related German Sausage joke I read yesterday:

 

 

A sausage dies and goes to heaven.

 

St Peter looks at the sausage and doesn't know what it is. There'd never been a sausage in heaven before.

He asks around, and nobody knows what is is or what to do with it.

None of the saints or the angels have ever seen a sausage in heaven before, so they are all a bit lost for ideas as to what it could be.

Eventually the Virgin Mary walks by, so St Peter asks her if she knows what it is.

Mary takes a look at the sausage and says:

 

"Oh yes, I've seen that before. It's the Holy Ghost"

Is there something I'm missing or is this as funny as the last piece of Hunnic hilarity a German translated for me? Does the Holy Ghost translate as something similar to 'pure beef' or 'breakfast' sausage? Is it a 'sausage' belonging to said Holy Ghost?

 

A hard act to follow Mr Notapotato, so I'll give it a go with this Octoberfest-Related German joke as told to me on the train on the way to Munich a long, long time ago.

 

A man goes to the Octoberfest and is tired, hungry and thirsty after a long day in the hot sun.

After seating himself at a table, the Fraulein appears and asks what he'd like to order.

"A beer please and as I haven't eaten since breakfast, could I have a slice of bread too."

"Certainly Sir." replied the waitress.

Fifteen minutes pass and finally the fraulein stops on her way past, putting down the several steins she is carrying to give the man his one.

"Thank you Fraulein", says the man "but where is my piece of bread?"

The Fraulein lifts her arm, takes a piece of bread from under her armpit and puts it on the table in front of him.

"But why did you put it there?" our hero asked bemusedly (the german guy who told me the joke didn't say 'bemusedly', it was 20 years ago, I don't remember every single word).

"Well," replied the Fraulein, "I had to put it somewhere!"

 

The funny bit was when the other English speaking Germans in the compartment started giggling, I thought I was on a hidden camera show or some such.

[Dave to the Grave 11]

And while you're at it chop those dull Happy Birthday posts. Chop the jokes thread, chop deathlist kitchen, chop life. Chop a job. Chop a career. Chop a family. Chop a f*****g big television, Chop washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Chop good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Chop fixed- interest mortgage repayments. Chop a starter home. Chope your friends. Chop leisure wear and matching luggage. Chop a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of f*****g fabrics. Chop DIY and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Chop sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing f*****g junk food into your mouth. Chop rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, f**ked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Chop your future. Chop life... But why would I want to do a thing like that?

 

 

Are you Denis Leary in disguise?

Or Irvine Welsh?

[maryportfuncity 10,013]

- Doctor doctor I've got a strawberry stuck up my arse!

 

- No problem, I can give you some cream for that.

[Anubis the Jackal 76]

After the imprisonment of teacher Gillian Gibbons in Sudan for allowing her class to name a bear Mohammed, Hindu militants have declared a fatwa on The Hanna Barbera Corporation for calling a bear Yogi.

 

ATJ, always a week behind the bleeding edge of satire.

[Captain Oates 21]

After the imprisonment of teacher Gillian Gibbons in Sudan for allowing her class to name a bear Mohammed, Hindu militants have declared a fatwa on The Hanna Barbera Corporation for calling a bear Yogi.

 

ATJ, always a week behind the bleeding edge of satire.

Just to keep you company, ATJ:

 

If I buy a bear for £10, name it Mohammad, then sell it for £20, have I made a Prophet?