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God asked Jesus to try lots of drugs to help him sympathise with the modern man. He asked his disciples to each find a drug and bring it to him. Mark brought cocaine, Matthew brought LSD, Andrew brought weed and Judas, he brought the drug squad!!

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What do you call a Mexican peeping tom?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Senor Minge.

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What do you call a Mexican peeping tom?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Senor Minge.

 

:crossbone:

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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet.

 

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

 

This made him ....

 

 

 

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Well done Mary, four and a half years late.

 

Very funny gag though.

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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet.

 

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

 

This made him ....

 

 

 

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Well done Mary, four and a half years late.

 

Very funny gag though.

 

 

Aye, indeed, doubtless there's others repeated on this thread. Haven't seen this 'un though:

 

Jacko was sent to the children's ward where he reportedly had numerous strokes.

 

 

oh aye

 

 

And he left his address book to Gary Glitter.

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So Farrah arrives in heaven and is greeted by St. Peter who tells her that because she has led such a beautiful life as a practicing Catholic, she will be granted any request for the earthly life she left behind. She tells St. Peter, "Well, I would really like to make the world safer for little boys..."

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Victoria Beckham and her chauffeur wre driving down a country lane one evening when a cow suddenly stepped in front of the Mercedes and was killed instantly!

Posh Spice then told the driver to go the farm and tell the owners what had happened.

After a couple of hours the driver returned, staggering along the road, his clothes in tatters, with a huge smile on his face.

"Where the hell were you?" asked Victoria, "What happened?"

"Well," the driver slurred, "The farmer gave me some expensive wine, and then he gave me a cuban cigar and then he gave his daughter who made passionate love to me!"

"Oh my god!" said Victoria, "What did you say to them?"

"Well," replied the driver, "I told them that I was Victoria Beckham's driver and that I had just killed the cow!"

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World's Shortest Fairy Tale..........

 

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after.

 

The end

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World's Shortest Fairy Tale..........

 

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after.

 

The end

 

Youve got things mixed up there me old mucker, it shurely should read once upon a time a girl asked a guy to marry her, he said no, and the girl lived happily ever after.

 

Can you tell i'm newly divorced?

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World's Shortest Fairy Tale..........

 

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after.

 

The end

 

Youve got things mixed up there me old mucker, it shurely should read once upon a time a girl asked a guy to marry her, he said no, and the girl lived happily ever after.

 

Can you tell i'm newly divorced?

 

No, I'm with LFN on this one, Lardy...

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World's Shortest Fairy Tale..........

 

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after.

 

The end

 

Youve got things mixed up there me old mucker, it shurely should read once upon a time a girl asked a guy to marry her, he said no, and the girl lived happily ever after.

 

Can you tell i'm newly divorced?

 

No, I'm with LFN on this one, Lardy...

 

Bah humbug - I'm going to be a lesbian.

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World's Shortest Fairy Tale..........

 

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after.

 

The end

 

Youve got things mixed up there me old mucker, it shurely should read once upon a time a girl asked a guy to marry her, he said no, and the girl lived happily ever after.

 

Can you tell i'm newly divorced?

 

No, I'm with LFN on this one, Lardy...

 

Bah humbug - I'm going to be a lesbian.

Im sure you will make a good one too!! :ghost3:

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World's Shortest Fairy Tale..........

 

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after.

 

The end

 

Youve got things mixed up there me old mucker, it shurely should read once upon a time a girl asked a guy to marry her, he said no, and the girl lived happily ever after.

 

Can you tell i'm newly divorced?

 

No, I'm with LFN on this one, Lardy...

 

Bah humbug - I'm going to be a lesbian.

Im sure you will make a good one too!! :ghost3:

 

If you're going to be a lesbian you have to get a liquor license.

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Not exactly a joke but I just happen to find myself with the complete lyrics to the one and only album by Finnish Death Metal titans Torsofuck. Thought I might paste them here, which seems appropriate.

 

Enjoy:

 

 

1. Mutilated For Sexual Purposes

 

Mutilated For Sexual Purposes

I cut off her arms and legs

Blood spills from the stumps

Ripping out her guts makes me horny

I stuck my cock in her mouth

I saw off the head and go

Anal double fistfuck

The bitch is done

 

 

2. Erotic Diarrhea Fantasy

 

Last night I had the most exciting dream

In it I was surrounded by many asses

I got shitted allover

Diarrhea splattered from every direction

I felt like I was in heaven

My cock ejaculated biggest load of go I had ever seen

Suddenly I woke up, it was only a dream

But why was I covered with diarrhea?

 

 

3. Fistfucking Her Decomposed Cadaver

 

Digging up her corpse, she is worm infested

Badly decomposed, but I take her to my home

Stench of rot turns me on and my cock grows rapidly

I am so horny, I need to feck that dirty whore

I put my cock in her mouth, bitch gives rotted head

It feels so good, I slap her pus-filled face

Now its time to give her something

Tonguefucking putrefying clown

The taste is incredible, much better than the one that is alive

I eat maggots from her pussy

I turn her over and start to feck like a mad dog

Deeper and harder, I am about to go crazy

Now its time to penetrate donkey

Her asshole is so tight, this must be her first time

Faster and faster, I can feel my balls banging against her clown

I quickly go, squirting inside rectum

Pulling my cock out, its covered with with sperm, sh*t and insects

fekin stupid bitch, your donkey was dirty, you fekin dead slut

I brutally smash my fist up her clown and rip her entrails out

Double fistfucking her asshole

Chainsaw mutilation, she is now in pieces

I put all parts in plastic bags and drive back to cemetary

One by one I throw bags down her grave

No time to bury her again, feck you whore

 

 

4. Worm Infested Anal

 

What a perfect sight to see

Decomposed dead bitch

I spread her buttocks wide and I love what I see

Anus covered with worms

I masturbate as I fingerfuck

Slimy rectum, full of rot and sh*t

Maggots crawling, insects feasting

I squirt my load allover her donkey

 

 

5. Raped By Elephants

 

I was visiting in africa two months ago

My goal was to see all those wild animals

Most excited I was when I came close to elephants

They were so big and somehow so scary

Something happened when I snapped a picture

Three elephants surrounded me

One of them ripped off all my clothes

Second elephant came on me and started to spread my buttocks

With its huge trunk

I screamed in agony when I felt it started to shove up my donkey

Third elephant forced me to take its giant cock in my mouth

I sucked like a whore while I was assfucked by elephant trunk

After all it wasnt too bad at all

It took only about ten minutes and cock in my mouth started to go

Extremely huge load of elephant sperm filled my throat and

Spurted allover my face

I was completely stuffed up, but elephants had one more thing to do

All three of them huffed and puffed shirts on me

Then they left me alone with my ripped asshole

I'll never go to Africa again

 

 

6. Pussy Mutilation

 

Wide open pussy in front of me

She wants me to feck her hard

This time I want something different

I pull my out knife with rusty blade

Stabbing her vagina again and again

Blood sprays on my face, I feel I'm alive

More and more, her pussy is just a mess

 

 

7. Snuffed Freak

 

Born without arms and legs

She is just a circus freak

Stupid fekin whore

She is a cheap piece of meat

Now she must suffer

Brutally beaten into the head

Fingerfucked anus, knife in a pussy

Lifeless torso gangraped and gutted

Snuffed in front of a camera

All taped in one take, nothing is fake

Sold as porn in $62.00+ postages

 

 

8. Four Legged Whore

 

Few days ago I bought a cat

It is so cute, I want to feck it hard

Walking on four legs, shaking that little donkey

Dirty fekin slut who deserves to suffer

I place my cock in the center of tis asshole

Hard push, damn its tight but feels so good

I feck like a rabbid, cat screams in agony

Faster adn faster, cat is unconscious

I cut off its tail and shove it up my donkey

Innards ripped out, head cut off, cat is stuffed up

Squirting my sperm allover the mess

Tomorrow Im gonna buy a dog

 

 

9. Cannibal

 

Everyday I can hear voices in my head

They tell me to eat other humans and feck their corpses

Im lurking in the shadows with my axe

Ready to murder and satisfy my sick hunger

I dont care if they are males or females

Older or younger, I kill and eat everybody

After my hunger is filled, I rape those mutilated corpses

I am one sick feck and there is no stop for me

Now those voices tell me to eat myself

I slice my stomach open and rip out my guts

Feasting with my entrails, blood spills

I am one sick feck and there is no stop for me

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Charming. Quite a milestone for your 7500th post. Congratulations!

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HAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAA!!!! Just what I needed for a boring Wednesday morning! Well done Mary! I especially like the elephants one, 'I'll never go to Africa again'! I wonder if it's on Itunes?

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Just the title 'Raped by Elephants' had me chuckling... :lol:

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Just the title 'Raped by Elephants' had me chuckling... :lol:

Cover of an old George Formby number, isn't it?

 

Now call me old-fashioned, deaf or just plain stupid, but I'm having trouble fitting the lyrics to the tune. Am I misunderstanding the true essence of goregrind or summat, Mary?

 

Dearie me, the Dolly Dots and Torsofuck in one day - it's all too much...

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quite liked this

and the poster - drcunt

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Now call me old-fashioned, deaf or just plain stupid, but I'm having trouble fitting the lyrics to the tune. Am I misunderstanding the true essence of goregrind or summat, Mary?

 

Those Youtube clips are video 'responses' in other words, hardcore but basically well-off American fans titting about with their toys and incorporating the sounds of the titanic Torsofuck somewhere in their videos. The thing with a lot of death metal is that the lyrics are growled to the point that you have to trust the lyric sheet, or summat.

 

Now, can we get back to the point of this thread.......

 

What's the difference between Adolf Hitler and Usain Bolt?

 

Bolt finishes a race.

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A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a

louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and

there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to

realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the

door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she

says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.

Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick

the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house

to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get

lost??"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the

right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed

and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he

shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

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Germany is world famous for its cleaning products:

 

Mister Muscle - household cleaner

Cillit Bang - bathroom cleaner

Zyklon B - ethnic cleaner

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_46114305_e69080cc-2c15-4489-9f91-6c9152330e7a.jpg

George Bernard Shaw:

 

"William Morris and I preached the gospel of Labour together on many occasions.

 

Many respectable persons thought we deserved hanging. I am proud to hang in a hall dedicated to him."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

tumbleweed.gif

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Just heard some snail jokes on the radio, like:

 

Bloke answers a knock at the door, thinks there's nobody there till he looks down and sees a snail. He chucks it back down the garden and says; 'piss off.' A week later there is another knock at the door and the snail says: 'What did you do that for?'

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Just heard some snail jokes on the radio, like:

 

Bloke answers a knock at the door, thinks there's nobody there till he looks down and sees a snail. He chucks it back down the garden and says; 'piss off.' A week later there is another knock at the door and the snail says: 'What did you do that for?'

 

A tribute to the "almost-late" Ronnie Corbett. He told the joke on the Two Ronnies (during his slot on the armchair). That must be at least 25 years old.. :skull:

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