Room 101

[EGN 121]

Dave. I sincerely hope you were telling the truth about your abilities. It gives me hope to know someone with that level of suction exists. I think if there really was a God, that ability would be the next evolutionary leap.

[Youwanticewiththat 611]

Lard Bazaar, I don't like your remarks. I asked my girlfriend to move in because I love her and hope, eventually, to marry her. Not yet, though, she's only 21 and I'm 22. Does your bitterness about the fact that I'm in a loving relationship disguise the fact that you're not? Are you in a relationship? I love my girlfriend and she knows I love her. We never did that disgusting thing you mentioned - you don't need that in a sincere and meaningful relationship - that's something you do with one - night stands that you meet in sleazy pubs. I don't need one - night stands - like most young guys do.

 

David, my young chum, I'm in a fairly good mood today. You haven't offended me - it's quite difficult to offend me. To answer your queries, yes, I'm in a relationship - happy most of the time, but, as happens to most grown ups I imagine, sometimes I can't stand the cunt and wish he would fuck off and die (as, I'm sure, he thinks about me sometimes too). As for blow jobs, I feel very sorry for you if you've never experienced one (of mine, at least) as I'm awesome at it, apparently. He says it's like a mixture of Valentino Rossi beating Casey Stoner at Laguna Seca in 2008, Gazza scoring against Scotland in 96, washed down with 12 cans of Blackthorn and a kebab. As you can imagine, all that happening in one evening would be as rare as rocking horse shit - as is me giving him a blow job nowadays.

 

Of course, this conversation is all academic as you are a total wind-up merchant, but you're a fun one, so I'll play along

Lardy you are a bona-fide legend.

[Lard Bazaar 3,800]

Me. I'm putting me in here. For being a middle aged drunken twat, falling out of a toilet cubicle, smashing my arm and then puking in the street outside a pub at 11pm.

 

I am 39 years old.

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,219]

Me. I'm putting me in here. For being a middle aged drunken twat, falling out of a toilet cubicle, smashing my arm and then puking in the street outside a pub at 11pm.

 

I am 39 years old.

So?

If you did it every day, maybe there would be an issue but you dont, do you?

Stop beating yourself up!! x

[Lard Bazaar 3,800]

Me. I'm putting me in here. For being a middle aged drunken twat, falling out of a toilet cubicle, smashing my arm and then puking in the street outside a pub at 11pm.

 

I am 39 years old.

So?

If you did it every day, maybe there would be an issue but you dont, do you?

Stop beating yourself up!! x

 

This is true. I certainly don't do it as often as I did 5 years ago. Can't fucking afford it these days!

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,219]

Me. I'm putting me in here. For being a middle aged drunken twat, falling out of a toilet cubicle, smashing my arm and then puking in the street outside a pub at 11pm.

 

I am 39 years old.

So?

If you did it every day, maybe there would be an issue but you dont, do you?

Stop beating yourself up!! x

 

This is true. I certainly don't do it as often as I did 5 years ago. Can't fucking afford it these days!

The last time any alcohol touched my lips was in December.

However, next Saturday Im off into town to have a drink.

If I end up vomiting into some womans handbag, I will let you know, ok?

[Lard Bazaar 3,800]

Me. I'm putting me in here. For being a middle aged drunken twat, falling out of a toilet cubicle, smashing my arm and then puking in the street outside a pub at 11pm.

 

I am 39 years old.

So?

If you did it every day, maybe there would be an issue but you dont, do you?

Stop beating yourself up!! x

 

This is true. I certainly don't do it as often as I did 5 years ago. Can't fucking afford it these days!

The last time any alcohol touched my lips was in December.

However, next Saturday Im off into town to have a drink.

If I end up vomitting into some womans handbag, I will let you know, ok?

 

I look forward to hearing about that! Try not to get splashback on your shoes.

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,219]

Me. I'm putting me in here. For being a middle aged drunken twat, falling out of a toilet cubicle, smashing my arm and then puking in the street outside a pub at 11pm.

 

I am 39 years old.

So?

If you did it every day, maybe there would be an issue but you dont, do you?

Stop beating yourself up!! x

 

This is true. I certainly don't do it as often as I did 5 years ago. Can't fucking afford it these days!

The last time any alcohol touched my lips was in December.

However, next Saturday Im off into town to have a drink.

If I end up vomiting into some womans handbag, I will let you know, ok?

 

I look forward to hearing about that! Try not to get splashback on your shoes.

No, Im quite adept at projectile vomiting, I wont be near any handbag, I will be able to hit one from the other end of the bar!!

[Toast 16,155]

Me. I'm putting me in here. For being a middle aged drunken twat, falling out of a toilet cubicle, smashing my arm and then puking in the street outside a pub at 11pm.

 

I am 39 years old.

So?

If you did it every day, maybe there would be an issue but you dont, do you?

Stop beating yourself up!! x

 

11pm is a bit early for that though ....

[Banshees Scream 110]

11 PM is the first hour "late at night" begins.

[Lard Bazaar 3,800]

Me. I'm putting me in here. For being a middle aged drunken twat, falling out of a toilet cubicle, smashing my arm and then puking in the street outside a pub at 11pm.

 

I am 39 years old.

So?

If you did it every day, maybe there would be an issue but you dont, do you?

Stop beating yourself up!! x

 

11pm is a bit early for that though ....

 

In my defence I had been drinking since 6pm - but I didn't get in till gone 1 so those last couple of hours weren't the best I've ever had! I never learn!

[Toast 16,155]

Me. I'm putting me in here. For being a middle aged drunken twat, falling out of a toilet cubicle, smashing my arm and then puking in the street outside a pub at 11pm.

 

I am 39 years old.

So?

If you did it every day, maybe there would be an issue but you dont, do you?

Stop beating yourself up!! x

 

11pm is a bit early for that though ....

 

In my defence I had been drinking since 6pm - but I didn't get in till gone 1 so those last couple of hours weren't the best I've ever had! I never learn!

 

You mean you didn't start at lunchtime? Lightweight

[charon 4,943]

It's May. Pissing down since 2pm. It's a hearty 4 degrees.

 

 

I'm at sea level.

 

 

 

And NOW IT'S TURNED TO FUCKING SNOW !!!!!

[time 8,626]

It's May. Pissing down since 2pm. It's a hearty 4 degrees.

 

 

I'm at sea level.

 

 

 

And NOW IT'S TURNED TO FUCKING SNOW !!!!!

I have severe sunburn.

 

Life's a bitch.

[Banshees Scream 110]

I have severe sunburn.

 

Life's a bitch.

 

Sun without lotion is pain, ouch!

 

A tan line for time.

[Lard Bazaar 3,800]

It's May. Pissing down since 2pm. It's a hearty 4 degrees.

 

 

I'm at sea level.

 

 

 

And NOW IT'S TURNED TO FUCKING SNOW !!!!!

 

Where the fuck do you live?

[charon 4,943]

It's May. Pissing down since 2pm. It's a hearty 4 degrees.

 

 

I'm at sea level.

 

 

 

And NOW IT'S TURNED TO FUCKING SNOW !!!!!

 

Where the fuck do you live?

 

 

The heelands....

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,219]

Why is it, even though I didnt get massively wankered on booze last night, does it still take me a whole fucking day to recover?

My hangover is very slight ( Tablets and shit loads of water BEFORE i go to bed helps) and im functioning without pain BUT Im still fuggin lethargic and cant be arsed.

I know that, at my age ( get in before you do Lardy ) my body is not what it was and i hardly ever drink but im 6ft1 and broad which should mean im able to soak up the booze better than Wee Jimmy Krankie, right?

Fuck it.

[charon 4,943]

Because in days of yore you would be back on it today thus avoiding the situation ?

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,219]

.....................and another thing. WTF is going on out there? Last night the Boozer was absolutely rammed ( no recession then) and Ive never seen so many under dressed monsters prancing about like they were Marilyn fucking Monroe.

This generation lacks the class,fortitude,deportment and dress sense of the class of the 1980s or summat...

As for the music, well, VOOM! VOOM! VOOM!

In my day its was the gentle thrum of Frankie Goes to 'ollywood and The Human league.

Aye, thats when there was proper music with lyrics you could make out.

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,219]

Because in days of yore you would be back on it today thus avoiding the situation ?

There is some truth in that.

I used to get massively pissed on a Friday night, get up late Saturday afternoon and was back in the Pub Saturday night getting pissed and ( hopefully) laid.

Mind you, I was 19 then and Im 48 now so, even If I did go out again tonight, id be in serious bother come Monday.

[Lard Bazaar 3,800]

Why is it, even though I didnt get massively wankered on booze last night, does it still take me a whole fucking day to recover?

My hangover is very slight ( Tablets and shit loads of water BEFORE i go to bed helps) and im functioning without pain BUT Im still fuggin lethargic and cant be arsed.

I know that, at my age ( get in before you do Lardy ) my body is not what it was and i hardly ever drink but im 6ft1 and broad which should mean im able to soak up the booze better than Wee Jimmy Krankie, right?

Fuck it.

 

Because you're a lightweight

 

My brother and his lovely wife came round last night. I drank three bottles of wine, and the other three drank 12 cans of Blackthorn, a litre of vodka and a litre of Jager between them. Me and my good fellow were both fine this morning.

 

By fine, what I actually mean is our heads were banging like a Scouse hooker down Merseyside docks, we'd forgotten our own names and all of our internal organs had melted. I'm still in my pyjamas eating Hula Hoops and wondering why my liver is crying.

[Dr. Zorders 1,271]

May I say that was poetic?

[DevonDeathTrip 2,358]

Why is it, even though I didnt get massively wankered on booze last night, does it still take me a whole fucking day to recover?

My hangover is very slight ( Tablets and shit loads of water BEFORE i go to bed helps) and im functioning without pain BUT Im still fuggin lethargic and cant be arsed.

I know that, at my age ( get in before you do Lardy ) my body is not what it was and i hardly ever drink but im 6ft1 and broad which should mean im able to soak up the booze better than Wee Jimmy Krankie, right?

Fuck it.

 

Were you drinking beer? Feeling physically lethargic, rather than experiencing head pains, could be indicative of a gluten allergy.

[Godot 149]

Why is it, even though I didnt get massively wankered on booze last night, does it still take me a whole fucking day to recover?

My hangover is very slight ( Tablets and shit loads of water BEFORE i go to bed helps) and im functioning without pain BUT Im still fuggin lethargic and cant be arsed.

I know that, at my age ( get in before you do Lardy ) my body is not what it was and i hardly ever drink but im 6ft1 and broad which should mean im able to soak up the booze better than Wee Jimmy Krankie, right?

Fuck it.

 

Because you're a lightweight

 

My brother and his lovely wife came round last night. I drank three bottles of wine, and the other three drank 12 cans of Blackthorn, a litre of vodka and a litre of Jager between them. Me and my good fellow were both fine this morning.

 

By fine, what I actually mean is our heads were banging like a Scouse hooker down Merseyside docks, we'd forgotten our own names and all of our internal organs had melted. I'm still in my pyjamas eating Hula Hoops and wondering why my liver is crying.

 

Go easy on the Hula Hoops. They aren't good for you.