Dear Abby...

[Star Crossed 33]

Mr. Hopkins seems to think that some of you may have issues which require a sympathetic ear, or even a shoulder to cry on.

 

The kittensitter is listening...

[Boudicca 702]

Dear Mr Hopkins,

 

I seem to remember a similar thread but I can't find it anywhere!

 

Can you help?

[Handrejka 1,904]

Dear Abby

 

While I've been busy pandering to my sadomasachistic side in death list chat I think my boyfriend has been getting his kicks from cross dressing. I didn't matter at first, in fact I rather enjoyed it but now he actually thinks he is me and it's causing havoc. It started by him pretending to be me on-line but it's worse than that now.

He's wearing my clothes, he's wearing my make-up and he's pinching all my beauty products and today he actually went to work as me and the worst part is nobody could tell the difference. I was devestated.

Tell me what do I do? Do I embrace it, do I ask him to seek help? Do I get him to pay for his own damn beauty

products and most importantly is it alright to ask for beauty advice from a transvestite?

 

Yours

Manx Minx

[Banshees Scream 110]

Dear Mr.Hopkins

 

What is this thread about?

[Phantom 2,535]

For sometime now I've suspected that my missus may be having a bit on the side. You know the sort of thing. The phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up.

 

Recently shes started going out 'with the girls' a lot and when I ask which girls it's always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them".

 

She always used to phone me for the taxi outside to let her in. but now she always calls while standing outside the gate as if she has just got out of a car around the corner.

 

The other day I picked up her mobile, just to see what time it was, and she went mental, screaming at me that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

 

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with her. I kind of think deep down I don't really want to know the truth.

 

But then last night she went out again and I decided that I would check up on her. I hid behind my car which I knew would give me a good view of the whole street so I could see which car she got out of on her return.

 

It was whilst I crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.

 

Do you think I Should take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself?

[Star Crossed 33]

For sometime now I've suspected that my missus may be having a bit on the side. You know the sort of thing. The phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up.

 

Recently shes started going out 'with the girls' a lot and when I ask which girls it's always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them".

 

She always used to phone me for the taxi outside to let her in. but now she always calls while standing outside the gate as if she has just got out of a car around the corner.

 

The other day I picked up her mobile, just to see what time it was, and she went mental, screaming at me that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

 

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with her. I kind of think deep down I don't really want to know the truth.

 

But then last night she went out again and I decided that I would check up on her. I hid behind my car which I knew would give me a good view of the whole street so I could see which car she got out of on her return.

 

It was whilst I crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.

 

Do you think I Should take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself?

 

Yes, Phantom, it's a conundrum that's as old as the hills, this one. You should go to Halfords to buy some stuff to fix it yourself. If you take it to the garage to get it fixed, you may end up seeing Mrs Phantom getting her forbidden fruit from some muscular, oil-smeared ruffian over a pile of used tyres.

 

Glad to be of help.

[Star Crossed 33]

Dear Abby

 

While I've been busy pandering to my sadomasachistic side in death list chat I think my boyfriend has been getting his kicks from cross dressing. I didn't matter at first, in fact I rather enjoyed it but now he actually thinks he is me and it's causing havoc. It started by him pretending to be me on-line but it's worse than that now.

He's wearing my clothes, he's wearing my make-up and he's pinching all my beauty products and today he actually went to work as me and the worst part is nobody could tell the difference. I was devestated.

Tell me what do I do? Do I embrace it, do I ask him to seek help? Do I get him to pay for his own damn beauty

products and most importantly is it alright to ask for beauty advice from a transvestite?

 

Yours

Manx Minx

Well Manx Minx,

You may think you're the only one with this problem, but it's really very common. Of course it's ok to take beauty advice from your trannie boyfriend, in fact it's recommended! Who knows better what looks attractive to men?

 

To my mind, as long as he's not stretching your clothes too much when he borrows them, you should just let nature take its course. There's always the added bonus of sending him to your job when you're too tired to work after a long night giving him pedicures and foot-massages.

 

As for your sado-masochistic streak, that's just plain wrong. The best way to cure your filthy habit is to request a damned good hiding whenever those sort of thoughts enter your head. I'll be happy to send someone 'round to do the honours; anything to help!

 

Glad to be of service.

[Star Crossed 33]

Dear Mr Hopkins,

I seem to remember a similar thread but I can't find it anywhere!

Can you help?

Boudicca,

The only thing I can think of is that a former Moderator deleted that simliar thread. It probably deserved to be canned; I don't think the Mods would make a mistake in that regard.

 

Having only been here just over a day myself, though, I'm not qualified to say.

 

Glad to be of help.

[Paul Bearer 6,109]

Dear Abby,

 

Do we need any more moderators? Or do you think the wonderful moderators we have are doing an excelent job (as I do)

[Josco 49]

Dear Mr Hopkins,

I seem to remember a similar thread but I can't find it anywhere!

Can you help?

Boudicca,

The only thing I can think of is that a former Moderator deleted that simliar thread. It probably deserved to be canned; I don't think the Mods would make a mistake in that regard.

 

Having only been here just over a day myself, though, I'm not qualified to say.

 

Glad to be of help.

Do you mean that the offending moderator should be sealed in an airtight metal container, or judging from your previous answer, caned with a rod or stick?

[The Four Horsemen 26]

Dear Abby/Mr Hopkins

 

I have an unsatiable lust and overwhelming feelings towards agony aunts. Can you help?

 

Thanks

 

TFH

 

P.S. Dribble drool slobber, oops sorry, it's never happened to me before

[Josco 49]

Dear Abby/Mr Hopkins

 

I have an unsatiable lust and overwhelming feelings towards agony aunts. Can you help?

 

Thanks

 

TFH

 

P.S. Dribble drool slobber, oops sorry, it's never happened to me before

I have an insatiable desire to correct spelling errors.

[Star Crossed 33]

Dear Abby,

 

Do we need any more moderators? Or do you think the wonderful moderators we have are doing an excellent job (as I do)

I think the Mods are doing a fine job, [flirt]yourself in particular[/flirt]. Mr Hopkins, as I'm sure you're aware, isn't too fond of high-volume, mid-low quality posting, but his stress levels have been lower of late.

 

Perhaps if a higher percentage of the posts were from Mods (who are Mods because they are capable of high quality) it may improve the overall quality (this would, preferably, happen if certain others just posted less), but in terms of discipline and moderation per se, it seems the Mods and Admins are on top of their game.

 

Glad to be of help.

[Star Crossed 33]

Dear Mr Hopkins,

I seem to remember a similar thread but I can't find it anywhere!

Can you help?

... a former Moderator deleted that simliar thread. It probably deserved to be canned ...

Glad to be of help.

Do you mean that the offending moderator should be sealed in an airtight metal container, or judging from your previous answer, caned with a rod or stick?

The former, Josco. Too many people on this forum would enjoy the latter, it seems...

 

Glad to be of help.

[Star Crossed 33]

Dear Abby/Mr Hopkins

I have an unsatiable lust and overwhelming feelings towards agony aunts. Can you help?

Thanks

TFH

P.S. Dribble drool slobber, oops sorry, it's never happened to me before

Well T4H,

Surely my help is your help, no? As long as I keep on dispensing the help, you'll keep feeling all warm and fuzzy. Help yourself to a helping of second-hand help!

 

Glad to be of help!

 

p.s. I really mustn't answer any more of your problems today, DLers. I've posted three times in the last 15 minutes and the kittens have begun to growl at me. At least one of them will probably start flashing unless I log off straight away. Perhaps someone else would like to volunteer as Agony Aunt/Uncle today?

[Guest Guest]

Mr. Hopkins seems to think that some of you may have issues which require a sympathetic ear, or even a shoulder to cry on.

 

The kittensitter is listening...

 

Damn, I've got Pauline Esther Phillips (Dear Abby) on my DP, I thought there'd been some news...

[TLC 9]

Dear Abby,

 

I am going to a wedding this Saturday, and naturally it came up in conversation with my mother earlier this week. Today, I (honestly) received the following text from her: -

At the wedding DONT

DRINK OUT OF CANS A

PUT BEER MATS ON THE

GLASS WASPS LOVE

MUM X X X

 

(There were random gaps between several of the words too, but something in the bb code takes them out upon posting).

 

Now, I appreciate she has a shaky grasp on the use of mobiles beyond making calls but even so; should I be concerned for her?

 

Or, should I be concerned at my own life if this is the sort of advice that my mum thinks I need? I am 32 years old and have not lived with my parents for over 10 years, and often I tuck myself into bed these days so I'm quite mature for my age. As far as I'm aware the wedding is not due to be held at a wasp farm/sanctuary.

 

Yours eagerly,

 

TLC

[Handrejka 1,904]

Dear Abby

TLC's above post is one of the funniest things I've seen in ages. Do you think I should get out more?

 

Handy

[Lady Grendel 139]

Dear Abby,

 

I am going to a wedding this Saturday, and naturally it came up in conversation with my mother earlier this week. Today, I (honestly) received the following text from her: -

At the wedding DONT

DRINK OUT OF CANS A

PUT BEER MATS ON THE

GLASS WASPS LOVE

MUM X X X

 

(There were random gaps between several of the words too, but something in the bb code takes them out upon posting).

 

Now, I appreciate she has a shaky grasp on the use of mobiles beyond making calls but even so; should I be concerned for her?

 

Or, should I be concerned at my own life if this is the sort of advice that my mum thinks I need? I am 32 years old and have not lived with my parents for over 10 years, and often I tuck myself into bed these days so I'm quite mature for my age. As far as I'm aware the wedding is not due to be held at a wasp farm/sanctuary.

 

Yours eagerly,

 

TLC

 

Dear TLC,

 

Perhaps she meant this kind of WASP or even this kind of WASP:

 

If it is the latter then I doubt you will have to worry about your own embarassing antics as I'm sure anything these chaps do would eclipse yours

 

 

Yours helpfully (?)

LG

[Canadian Paul 97]

Dear Abby,

 

I have been neither drunk, bored nor post-whorish in the last while. How can I find meaning in my life without these things before I go back to school and personal internet?

 

Regards,

Spreadin' in Edmonton

[DevonDeathTrip 2,358]

Dear Abby

 

I've been told I am 14 times more likely to drown in my own bathtub than I am to win the National Lottery jackpot. (That is if I played the lottery and if I bathed instead of showered, but onwards)

 

As at least 52 people win the lottery jackpot each year, that means, by implication, that at least 700 people must drown in their own bath. I've have searched Google News for "Drowned In Bath" and the results are in no way 14 times greater than the amount of links that come up when I search for "Jackpot Winner", in fact almost the reverse is evident.

 

I'm not sure what my question is, but I would value any advice you can give.

 

Yours Intoxicated

 

DDT

[Guest Guest]

Dear Abb's

 

 

 

 

I used to think i was a good lover, but i found out my wife had Asthma.

[TLC 9]

Dear TLC,

 

Perhaps she meant this kind of WASP or even this kind of WASP: [snip] If it is the latter then I doubt you will have to worry about your own embarassing antics as I'm sure anything these chaps do would eclipse yours

 

 

Yours helpfully (?)

LG

I was just thinking that Blackie Lawless plus 1 x exploding codpiece pyrotechnic display should just about be able to outdo even my usually impressive lager-fuelled performances at weddings.

 

Unless I accidentally swallow a few too many wasps of course, although not sure if there is such an amount as 'just the right amount of wasps to swallow', other than zero obviously.

[Madame Defarge 21]

Dear Abby/Mr Hopkins

I have an unsatiable lust and overwhelming feelings towards agony aunts. Can you help?

Thanks

TFH

P.S. Dribble drool slobber, oops sorry, it's never happened to me before

Well T4H,

Surely my help is your help, no? As long as I keep on dispensing the help, you'll keep feeling all warm and fuzzy. Help yourself to a helping of second-hand help!

 

Glad to be of help!

 

p.s. I really mustn't answer any more of your problems today, DLers. I've posted three times in the last 15 minutes and the kittens have begun to growl at me. At least one of them will probably start flashing unless I log off straight away. Perhaps someone else would like to volunteer as Agony Aunt/Uncle today?

Dear Mr. Hopkins

I could use a really good flaying right now and you are the man to do it.

Recently I had a life event ( my building burned down, I lost most of my stuff, etc.)

and I am being killed with kindness. I really enjoyed the money I got, but the hugs,

unsolicited affection, warmth and all that is driving me out of my mind.

 

Recently, events have taken a turn for the worse. My next door neighbor, who also

works in the same place as I do is showing way too much concern. Whether it's maternal

or something else I don't know but I now have resorted to taking off my shoes so that she

won't hear me entering the building at night. Tonight a dish of food of some sort was at

my door, with this note:

HANDLE CAREFULLY BREAKABLE DISH

IT IS A SURPRISE

it is something you like but not french fries.

PREHEAT OVEN 300-350 DEGREES. SPRINKLE CHEESE(INCLUDED)ON TOP.

BAKE 5-15 MINUTES TILL CHEESE IS MELTED AS YOU LIKE.

ALSO IF POSSIBLE - TOAST BREAD. HOPE YOU LIKE GARLIC. ENJOY.

your next door neighbor-remember me?

i think we work together Hee Hee

I fear that if I change my behavior for the worse, it would just be chalked up to post traumatic stress

or some nonsense.

I understand that you are busy but my situation is dire, please help soon.

[honez 79]

I think I can shed some light on the matter.

HANDLE CAREFULLY BREAKABLE DISH

translation: Be gentle with me, you delicate sexy thing

IT IS A SURPRISE

translation: You don't know it, but I've been stalking you for ages. Don't be alarmed

it is something you like but not french fries.

translation: I desperately hope you're game enough to do something other than eat chips with those rosy red lips

PREHEAT OVEN 300-350 DEGREES.

translation: Start stoking the fire because I like it hot

SPRINKLE CHEESE(INCLUDED)ON TOP.

translation: If you want cheese, then here I am. I haven't bathed for a week. I want to rub it into, etc. etc.

BAKE 5-15 MINUTES TILL CHEESE IS MELTED AS YOU LIKE.

translation: I won't last five minutes before I'm done. In fact, I'm done already but the thought of you...

ALSO IF POSSIBLE - TOAST BREAD.

translation: Do you mind if I use you as a kinky toast rack in the morning?

HOPE YOU LIKE GARLIC.

translation: Because my breath stinks.

ENJOY. your next door neighbor-remember me?

translation: Sorry. I put a period in there where I shouldn't have. It should have read "Enjoy your next door neighbour." I do. Especially through the peep holes I've drilled in your walls.

i think we work together Hee Hee

translation: I've been stalking you for years. I found out where you work and applied for a job there. I've got you covered 24/7.

 

I hope that clears things up for you.