Horse Racing

[Guest Guest_Armitage Shanks_*]

Well, hello boys and girls!

 

My dear American chum Artemis Flanks has sent a telegram to let me know that there's a rather important game of what the Yanks call 'football' being played today. I'll gladly confess to not knowing the difference between a tight end and a skinny post pattern (rugger's more my sport, you know), but Artie assures me that while the Patriotic New Englanders will defeat the New Jersey Giants, they will only do so by a mere 3 points, thereby "not covering the spread". (Dear old Art, he does talk in riddles - two countries separated by a common language and all that, eh).

 

So, log in to your Betfair account and have a small wager - Mr Flanks is not one to give a bum steer to a hopeful punter, believe me.

 

Best of British, and toodle-pip,

 

Armitage Shanks Esq. DSM QC.

 

[Guest artemis flanks]

Dang it, Armitage, the clerk at the western union musta been deef, i said giants by 3 pernts. whats with that six digit code code for gests , numbers kept shiftin on me, else I woulda hollered sooner. Dang.

 

[Guest Armitage Percival Shanks]

If only this foolish chap and this queer cove had purchased a copy of that excellent tome Shanks's Pony: How to Fleece and Not Get Fleeced (£9.99 at all good retailers) they wouldn't have found themselves in such a pickle.

 

Cheerio and mwah.

 

[themaninblack 2,112]

Angus Loughran needs to get hold of one of those double quick!

[harrymcnallysblueandwhitearmy 1,447]

A lucky bastard shrewd punter has won a cool million for a 50p stake on an eight-race accumulator bet, instigated by a horse called Isn't That Lucky and completed by one named A Dream Come True.

 

I'm sure it won't make him happy in the long run.

[Guest Guest_Armitage Shanks_*]

Good Evening,

 

Ah, the Cheltenham Festival, the four most glorious days in the racing calendar... but a minefield for the punter. Fear not, for AP Shanks is here to point you towards profit. Two tips per day, gratis - one cannot say fairer than that.

 

Without further ado...

 

Tomorrow's big race, the Champion Hurdle at 3.15, should be heading the way of Irish challenger Sizing Europe, while the rain is bound to help Ring the Boss land the Arkle Chase at 2.35.

 

Best of luck to all,

 

Armitage Shanks Esq.

 

[DevonDeathTrip 2,288]

Don't suppose you'd provide odds on DDP winners, Mr Shanks?

[Banshees Scream 107]

I think Armitage Shanks should log in.

 

That's what I think.

 

And as far as the probability of where the masters of DDP will stand at it's end ... there is no truth to that question until we get there. Analyzing the current statistics and visualizing the probable outcome is the only link to any knowledge at this point in the competition. If you live by facts, this approach is common sense.

 

Then again, death is unlimited. The prospects who are improbable just might defy their general expectation at any given time.

[Guest Guest_Armitage Shanks_*]

Ah well, not the best of starts but as that lovely 1990s combo The Dreamers once sang, things can only get better! Let's recover those losses with Starzaan in the Sun Alliance at 2.35 and Voy Por Ustedes in the Champion Chase at 3.15.

 

Don't suppose you'd provide odds on DDP winners, Mr Shanks?

Mr DeathTrip, my dear old thing, I must confess I find the concept of gambling on the likelihood of a chap's demise a trifle unsavoury, but I've had a little peek at this 'DDP' of yours and I'd say that a team entitled The Living End would be my idea of a likely winner. Sorry I can't be more helpful, but I'm afraid it's just not really old Armitage's area of expertise.

 

Cheerio all,

 

AP Shanks

 

[Guest Guest_Armitage Shanks_*]

Well well, no losers tipped today. Admittedly the racing was cancelled because of the inclement weather, but one must take the crumbs wherever they fall.

 

That means 10 (!) races tomorrow. Oh dear. We'll stick with the two original selections, I think.

 

Now, where's that dashed brandy bottle...

[Guest Guest_Armitage Shanks_*]

It's been a somewhat financially-challenging week, so if Kauto Star doesn't see off Denman in the Gold Cup then yours truly may well be heading for the Clifton Suspension Bridge later today.

 

"Come on Denman!", I hear you cry? Oh, now that's below the belt.

[Godot 148]

It's been a somewhat financially-challenging week, so if Kauto Star doesn't see off Denman in the Gold Cup then yours truly may well be heading for the Clifton Suspension Bridge later today.

 

"Come on Denman!", I hear you cry? Oh, now that's below the belt.

 

I hope the water wasn't too cold.

[Guest AP Shanks]

It's been a somewhat financially-challenging week, so if Kauto Star doesn't see off Denman in the Gold Cup then yours truly may well be heading for the Clifton Suspension Bridge later today.

 

"Come on Denman!", I hear you cry? Oh, now that's below the belt.

 

I hope the water wasn't too cold.

 

My dear old fruit, your concern is most touching. Fortunately a beast with the unlikely name of Nenuphar Collonges nipped in at 16-1 in the 2.50 to save the Shanks bacon. We live to fight another day, what ho!

 

It's been my pleasure and I'll be back to steer you towards the poorhouse anon.

[Guest Hortense Shanks (Mrs)]

Hello Deathlisters,

 

I'm Armitage's long-suffering spouse and I'm here to let you know that the fat blighter's feeling a little under the weather, so you'll be spared his Grand National tip this year. I, however, shall be delighted to help using the tried and trusted pin-stickers method - it can't be worse than my lardarsed hubby's efforts, surely.

 

The pin says: McKelvey and Mr Pointment.

 

Good luck everyone,

 

Hortense Shanks.

 

[Lady Grendel 137]

Hello Deathlisters,

 

I'm Armitage's long-suffering spouse and I'm here to let you know that the fat blighter's feeling a little under the weather, so you'll be spared his Grand National tip this year. I, however, shall be delighted to help using the tried and trusted pin-stickers method - it can't be worse than my lardarsed hubby's efforts, surely.

 

The pin says: McKelvey and Mr Pointment.

 

Good luck everyone,

 

Hortense Shanks.

 

 

A bum steer Mrs. S., I took your advice and went for Mr. Pointment who kept me on the edge of my seat for most of the race, only to lose , I managed to win a consolation £6 on Snowy Morning though, just as well I only enter the bookies once a year.

 

Edit: I see your other choice, McKelvey, had to be put down after a fall .

Edited April 5, 2008 by Lady Grendel

[themaninblack 2,112]

I trust you all went for Comply Or Die as a suitably named horse for the National.......coz I certainly did!

 

 

GET IN!!

 

[Rotten Ali 599]

<--- in the money on my office sweep stake with King Johns Castle.

[Guest Guest]

Edit: I see your other choice, McKelvey, had to be put down after a fall .

Unseated rider, carried on and ran into a barrier, sadly.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/other_spor...ing/7330079.stm

[themaninblack 2,112]

<--- in the money on my office sweep stake with King Johns Castle.

 

My mum chose that one. Our family had a good day after some barren years...

[DevonDeathTrip 2,288]

There was an alternative Grand National in Devon yesterday.

 

[Lard Bazaar 3,687]

There was an alternative Grand National in Devon yesterday.

 

 

I've been there, and seen those sheep race, and it's actually funnier than you would think. A jolly good day out for a family with youngish children if you're in the area.

[Guest Armitage P Shanks]

Ho!

 

What a glorious morning it is here down at Shanks's Acres, with my old Eton chum Boris in the London hotseat at last. I could tell you a few juicy tidbits about the unkempt and randy fellow, but who knows where lawyers lurk these days.

 

More importantly, at Newmarket the first classic of the season, the 2000 Guineas, gets under way at 3.25 and I rather fancy Godolphin's Ibn Khaldun to get the better of the favourite New Approach at 4/1-ish odds.

 

Happy punting,

 

Cheerio,

 

Armitage.

 

(PS - Artemis old boy, can you point the good people towards a Kentucky Derby winner, there's a good chap. Hope the liver transplant operation went swimmingly and that the gout's not too bad)

[Guest artemis flanks]

Armitage: A sorryier conglomeration o' beasts i never did see. however my moneys on denis of cork.

 

Hoping yer rash has cleared up,

 

Artemis Flanks

[BrunoBrimley 83]

In other news in The annual run for the roses or something like tjhat The Kentucky Derby took place today and Eight Belles, the only filly in the race was off to a good start. She came in second! That's the ggood news. Big Brown won by 5 lentghts-----which was also good but predicted news.

 

 

Then the bad and the sad and the tragic. Eight Belles broke both front ankles/legs. Compound fractures and she was euthanized on the track. A sad day for horses everywhere and Larry Brown.

 

 

May 3, 6:26 PM EDT

 

 

 

 

Favorite Big Brown wins Kentucky Derby

 

LOUISVILLE, Ky. (AP) -- Big Brown won the Kentucky Derby on Saturday, living up to his status as the pre-race favorite.

 

Filly Eight Belles was second, but she broke down as the 20-horse field galloped out past the finish line.

 

She was later euthanized on the track.

 

Newspaper article on Eight Belles

[harrymcnallysblueandwhitearmy 1,447]

Big Brown wins the Preakness in a hack canter and is on course to be the first horse since Affirmed in 1978 to win the Triple Crown. Since then, ten have gone to the Belmont with a chance and all have failed.