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Maryport's Midsummer Dead Pool

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Reet, entries are closed and Brucie's back presiding over a blitzkrieg battle of fast 'n' furious fun for all the family. The idea is simple enough:

 

21 entrants (20 quickest off the mark plus your host and - ahem - master Maryportfuncity). Competition opens on 1 June with the aim of getting a winner by midsummer's day.

 

bruceForsythe_jpg_2692534b.jpg

 

 

Maryport’s Midsummer Madness Dead Pool 2016 (That’ll be MMMDP to you lot!)

 

 

 

That there masterlist in all its grim glory!

 

1. Grim up North: Dr Kate Granger

2. Sean of the Dead: Bernie Worrell

3. Bibliogryphon: Janet Waldo

4. Rotten Ali: Bhumibol Adulyadej

5. Captain Chorizo: Walter Scheel

6. Youwantricewiththat: Leslie Philips

7. Time: Liz Smith

8. Pedro 67: Shelby Westbrook

9. Young Willz: Pope Emeritus Benedict

10. Spade Cooley: Jerome Lewis

11. msc: Rowena Kincaid

12. Rockhopperpenguin: Billy Graham

13. Cat O’ Falk: Tony Booth

14. Toast: Geoffrey Bayldon

15. RadGuy: Former King Michael of Romania

16. JiroemonKimura: Marietta Giannakou

17. Handrejka: Irving Kanarek

18. Gcreptile: Lady Susan Renouf

19. Death Impends: Bruce Langhorne

20. RoverAndOut: Zsa Zsa Gabor

21. Maryportfuncity: Emma Morano

 

 

And those Rules in Full:

 

1 - The object of the MMMDP is to WIN.

 

2 - To enter the MMMDP a contestant must have: A candidate not selected by another other entrant.
A “candidate” in this context means a living person aged 18 or over who remains alive at midnight on May 31st and is considered likely to cease living soon after and also be capable of gaining a qualifying obit – see rule 9 below – upon death.

 

3 - Entries open at 9-00am BST on 31st May and close at midnight on 31 May. Entry can only be made by posting the name of a candidate on the MMMDP thread on the Deathlist.

 

4 – The competition is deemed to be open at 00-01 BST hrs on 1 June 2016.

 

5 – Competition ceases on the death of the first nominated pick on the list of candidates and the winner is the dead pooler who has selected said candidate.

 

6 – Entry is limited to 21 players (twenty who are obliged to post entries on the MMMDP thread and Maryport who reserves a right of entry as the master of ceremonies for this endeavour). Presumably the artistic intent is obvious but in case you missed it the idea is to get 21 players to compete for a death within 21 days thereby giving us a victory by midsummer’s day at the latest. If you’re snoozin’ you’re losing.

 

6a – Because he has forced his own entry Maryport guarantees to respect the first 20 qualifying picks and only enter a candidate unselected by the others. Thereby ensuring the really hot selections go to others.

 

7 - In the event that two players select the same candidate the allocation of the pick will go to the player who first posted an entry for that candidate – even if the entry times are within the same minute.

 

8 – In the event that two players tie for victory on the basis of picks expiring on the same day all efforts will be made to ascertain a winner on the basis of the actual time of death. For these purposes local time of death will be translated to GMT if required.

 

9 - An "obit" in the context of the MMMDP is any news report in English from a reliable source. Such sources include - but are not limited to - UK national press, UK national broadcast organisations, foreign press and broadcast organisations with an English language thread to their communication, trade press in English, local news organisations reporting in English and coverage in specialist online sites, such as those monitoring the well-being of super-centenarians. Where dispute arises over the qualifying nature of a news source for obit purposes MPFC's decision is final. But he wants fast and furious competition and is generally very amenable to low hanging dead pool fruit of all varieties.

 

10 – The Raymond Hewlett Memorial Award applies to the MMMDP. In honour of everybody's favourite Maddie-implicated paedo scum a candidate widely believed to be alive when the winner is declared and subsequently proven to have died previously will be awarded victory in the event that a MMMDP qualifying obit subsequently appears for said candidate. In the event that a MMMDP qualifying obit for the candidate is subsequently proven to have existed prior to commencement of the MMMDP all points will be voided. RHME points are only available during competition and in the event that a winner has been declared before discovery of a qualifyiing RHME candidate no revision of the final result will occur. Similarly, if some lucky candidate is awarded RHME victory and this victory – once declared – is proven to be spurious by late discovery of a qualifying obit; the lucky winner will be allowed to keep his/her lucky win.

 

10a – To ensure smooth operation of rule 10 the period for discovery of result altering obits is deemed to be 48 hours plus the remainder of the calendar day in which victory is first claimed. In other words two days and a part of another day.

 

11 - If an obited death occurs during play of the MMMDP and is missed despite MPFC's best efforts to stay in touch and/or the spirited efforts of MMMDP participants and said death is missed in totting up points, after which a winner is declared, then this death will not count for competition purposes. The same is true in the case of a known death gathering a late obit and therefore allowing some other competitor to be declared a winner. All disputes relating to rule 11 will be resolved by the astute judgement of MPFC and there is no appeals procedure (though all sides of opinion are warmly invited to liven up the MMMDP thread by venting their fury).

 

12 - In the event that Deathlist editing options or other online trickery is discovered to have been employed in the editing of entries, those duly fingered for such cheating will be removed from the MMMDP and banned for life from subsequent entry into MMMDPs.

 

13 – In the unlikely event that a pick selected on 31 May fails to mark the start line the entrant selecting said pick will still be deemed to have entered the competition and will have until midnight 1 June to select a new pick (unselected by other entrants). Should the entrant fail to do so no other entrant will be allowed in as a replacement.

 

14 - A prize will be awarded as follows:

i: Should the winner agree to attend a DLCon with MPFC a double measure of alcoholic drinks (pints, wine or spirits) will be supplied by MPFC along with much hearty congratulations and back-slapping.
ii: A carefully chosen and appropriate prize will be posted to the winner (such as the DVD copy of the original Death Race movie supplied to the 2009 Deathrace). iii: MPFC will make a charitable donation to a cause of the winner's choice (as has been the case with five of the six existing winnings of the Deathrace). This course of action is highly encouraged and is known to show dead poolers as something other than the sicko scum many ranters believe us to be.

AND FINALLY...

On completion of MMMDP activities the thread will get lively for a short while as losing contestants and spectactors offer well-deserved congratulations to the skilful and highly talented new champion, after which time it is expected that the cooling corpse of the thread will be allowed to gently sink into oblivion.

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Just curious, how do you detect an edit to a post?

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Just curious, how do you detect an edit to a post?

 

 

By keeping some record in a Word doc as I put a masterlist together.

 

So, if someone picks Zsa Zsa and then tweaks it becase Little Richard is reported to be minutes from death...

 

So long as I've Zsa Zsa on the original masterlist that ham-fisted attempt at fluking an undeserved win will be brought to public notice and the tweaker will be subjected to well-deserved ridicule.

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It's a month away, can I reserve my entry now? I hate to wait.

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Want to have a go at this. Need to be on the ball for this one.

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It's a month away, can I reserve my entry now? I hate to wait.

 

Nope, it opens, the entrants scramble, things go mad for an hour or so and then the most marginal holders of obitable life are lined up for a delightful death-slam.

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Death Slam Form Guide #1

 

 

Bhumibol Adulyadej:

 

k-21.jpg

 

 

 

Improbably long-lived/long-reigned monarch, he's been dead pool toppler tease for longer than most heads of state hold office. Could go at any time but - as many who've wasted valuable team space on him know - he's durable.

 

Selection of the aged king isn't mandatory for in this dead pool because this is one party that doesn't require you to sport a Thai!

 

 

BOOM BOOM!

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Death Slam form guide #2

 

David Cassidy

 

david-cassidy640x480.jpg

 

70's teenybopper idol who's sporting the unseemly collision of botox and blootered in his most recent pin up pix. At an age when most of his peers are milking amiable dollars from dependable gigging to die-hard fans Cassidy's pensionable-age detour into drunk in charge arrests hints at some deep, dark malaise. He could channel the demons into a jaw-dropping late-career blues album but currently seems content to keep the cops busy and the dead poolers dithering about whether he might just be the one to enter at #1 for the final time, if we forget the charts and think about MMMDP rules.

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No pressure, like, but...

 

Feel free (anyone) to continue posting in the form guide - just stick to the house style established in the posts above, alright?

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Death Slam form guide #3



Caroline Aherne




image_update_img.jpg





Mrs Merton, Royle Family, Gogglebox all found their way into the nation's hearts thanks to this fag guzzling, alcohol swilling, triple cancer sufferer.



But now she's too ill to even voice over Gogglebox so is she about to (Craig) Cash in her chips?


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Death slam form guide #4

 

Susannah Mushatt Jones (b. 6 July 1899),

 

susannah-mushatt-jones.png

 

 

Super-centenarian superstar, older than anyone else alive and likely to lose that title the way almost everyone else so encumbered loses theirs; with an obitable death suitable for dead pool points in most good dead pools. Potential pick par excellence for the MMMDP since any qualifying obitable death will be good enough to win. On the other hand, this one's a tough old bird and the picture above shows her receiving the news of Maryport's latest death slam with typical stoicism.

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Death slam form guide #5

 

Donald Trump

 

 

 

 

trump_flicker_face_yess.jpg

 

Barring an unprecendented turn of events 69 year old Trump is the Republican nominee for presidential duties starting in January 2017. More unpopular than any similar nominee in living memory and - on the evidence of his haircut - impervious to shame. Capable of incendiary statements and often incapable of taking sound advice Trump has divided opinion like no nominee before him to the point that Democrats around the USA celebrated his virtual enthronement in the first week of May and many Republicans felt deep dismay; not least because many doubt he's any kind of recognisable Republican at all. So if political opponents and the animoisity of many of his fellow Americans can't stop him, will some other more devastating means be forthcoming in the first three weeks of June?

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Death slam form guide #6

 

Cliff Mitchelmore

 

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Dead already

 

Best avoided

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Death Slam Form Guide #7

 

Paul 'Gazza' Gascoigne

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Once described as the best midfielder of his generation, he's now better known for his battle with the bottle. From England superstar to Carlsberg Special Brew in an ever-increasing downward spiral, will he be on the receiving end of a fried chicken and fishing rod before midsummer?

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Death Slam Form Guide #8

 

Jerry Maren

 

tumblr_nipj4oBVFX1r31wv0o1_500.jpg

 

Near 77 years after the film's debut, the Wizard of Oz's Lollipop Guild diplomat who handed Dorothy a lollipop still lives, though the Wicked Witch of Wikipedia vandalism tried its darnedest to take him out earlier this year. A venerable age of 96 means the inevitable could happen any time, and a punt on the pint-sized actor has potential for a small boost that would be more than enough to be a finisher in the MMMDP.

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What the heck is this form guide thing? :scratchhead:

 

 

Reminding ourselves and everyone else of the talent out there likely to make decent death slam picks come the mid-summer dead pool. Also a bit of wry amusement.

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Death slam form guide #9

 

Jonah Barrington - 75

 

20160428215007_Jonah%20Barrington.jpg?

 

One of those "fuck me is he still alive?" wild cards who could sneak up on a news report. So improbably fit during the height of his professional squash career that others feared for his sanity and capable ot out-performing top athletes when in his late 30's as his feats on Superstars proved, Barrington pushed himself hard, consistently and over many years generating pulse rates only professional cyclists and other insane/impressive sports types can manage.

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Mary - rule 3 I presume is referring to 9am and midnight BST?

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Death slam form guide #10



Sir David Jason - 76



jason_2465986b.jpg



Some might think Only Fools and Horses would pick Jason as their MMMDP lone pick in a sea of prime candidates but in a year where the national treasure chest is being frequently raided by the Grim Reaper perhaps not so stupid a choice. An actor who missed out on the role of Corporal Jones to Death List favourite Clive Dunn only when Dunn missed out on another role (and therefore played a passive role in Death List history) could it be that he will be a brave MMMDP pickers Darling Bud of June?


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Death Slam Form Guide #11

 

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Burt Kwouk!

 

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The only Chinese guy allowed on British TV for 20 years, before the invention of David Yip sometime in the 1980s. Depending on your generation, you'll know him either as the racially suspect Kato in the Pink Panther films, the racially suspect prison guard in Tenko or the racially suspect ethnic foil in the Harry Hill Show. Would have appeared in last year's Mrs Brown's Boys movie, except he's apparently housebound now due to an unspecified illness. We can now exclusively reveal on the DL forums that said illness is "wanting to stay the fuck away from the movie version of Mrs Brown's Boys".

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Mary - rule 3 I presume is referring to 9am and midnight BST?

 

 

It is grim up north innit?

 

Good spot, rules duly amended because you are right.

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Death slam form guide #9

 

Jonah Barrington - 75

 

20160428215007_Jonah%20Barrington.jpg?

 

One of those "fuck me is he still alive?" wild cards who could sneak up on a news report. So improbably fit during the height of his professional squash career that others feared for his sanity and capable ot out-performing top athletes when in his late 30's as his feats on Superstars proved, Barrington pushed himself hard, consistently and over many years generating pulse rates only professional cyclists and other insane/impressive sports types can manage.

At first glance, I thought the bloke at the back was trigger from 'only fools and horses'.

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Death List Slam Guide #12

 

Zsa Zsa Gabor. 99 year old barely responsive tube fed one legged senile bedridden actress and socialite who has defied death more times than anyone in deadpooling history.Some say she is immortal.Others say Prince Von Arsehole stuffed after she died so he could continue living in her house.Avoid picking her daughter on the right though.She doesn`t take after her mother.

 

zsa-zsa-gabor-deathbed-photos-3.jpg

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Death slam form guide #4

 

Susannah Mushatt Jones (b. 6 July 1899),

 

susannah-mushatt-jones.png

 

 

Super-centenarian superstar, older than anyone else alive and likely to lose that title the way almost everyone else so encumbered loses theirs; with an obitable death suitable for dead pool points in most good dead pools. Potential pick par excellence for the MMMDP since any qualifying obitable death will be good enough to win. On the other hand, this one's a tough old bird and the picture above shows her receiving the news of Maryport's latest death slam with typical stoicism.

 

File this under lost opportunities, then.

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