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Dave to the Grave

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Posts posted by Dave to the Grave

  1. Posted

    Dog sh*t is the worlds worst. ( lets say the Brazil of Turds DTTG :) )

    I have to disagree LFN. Dog, is more like Germany. Always there, reliable, with the odd flash of brilliance, but if you have ever cracked the crust on a week old human deposit, then you have really experienced Brazil.

     

    (I of course, take on board your fingernail comment, but that really is due to the situation, and not the actual performance of the sh*t. More of a cup upset, than pure quality.)

  3. Posted

    And staying on the topic of sh*t, why is it that dog owners are generally required to pick up their dog's crap, but horse owners aren't? I live on an estate where horses are regularly ridden on the roads and footpaths, and many is the time I have had to negotiate a huge pile of steaming crap on the path - why shouldn't the riders have to pick it up, the same as dog owners? GET OFF YOUR HORSEY ASSES AND PICK UP THE sh*t! It's just as horrid to step in horse sh*t as dog sh*t when you're wearing your best white trainers.

    Having stepped in both, while neither is pleasant, I'd always go for the horse sh*t.

     

    In a league of sh*t, top being the most unpleasant, horse would probably come in the relegation zone, just above rabbit. Cow would probably qualify for the UEFA cup, just beating off goat. Dog, cat and seagull would battle it out for champion league places, but the winner, champion of them all would have to be human. A fantasy sh*t league, there's a thing.

     

    (The seagull sh*t is more of a hair problem than a shoe one, so should perhaps be in a league of it's own, but very unpleasant all the same).

  6. Posted

    Having never voted on a 'success poll' before, and it becoming a regular event with the current rate of success, I thought it would help if I had a theme. So with Captain Beefheart, Norman Wisdom, and Michael Foot on the list, body parts it is. Since someone has voted for Ditto, who despite a bit of a weight problem, isn't on the list, I thought keeping on theme I would vote for Brad Pitt, but I can't, so Beefheart it is.

  7. Posted

    And I agree with the honoured Madame. If you're up to it, I can't recall hearing the custard cream story, so I too would be interested to hear it.

    Me too.

     

    Although if the story starts with, ''You all sit in a circle.....'' and finishes,''.....last, has to eat it.'' Then I've already heard it.

  8. Posted

    My side (and Charlton's) won an important Supreme Court decision today, 5-4.

     

    Sounds like a penalty shoot out. Who missed the crucial kick?

    It seems that Charlton beat Bill Clinton's daughter 5-4 in a penalty shoot out back in October 2005.

     

    Edit to add, it was Robert Huth.

  9. Posted

    According to Albert Einstein, our very existence is inextricably linked to bees - he is reputed to have said: "If the bee disappears off the surface of the globe, then man would only have four years of life left"

    He was however, well known for 'making it up, as he went along'. It has since been proven that it is spiders, not bees.

  12. Posted

    Dear Mr Grave

    I have seen that French chap before, doing his thing on "The Generation Game".

    In all fairness he is, I would agree, pretty damn impressive. The question I would like to ask is "What else can he paint?"

    Ive never seen the chap doing anything else.

    Here you go LFN.

    Jean Pierre Blanchard

    He can also, quite probably, raise his arm, whilst screaming 'off-side', drink to excess, crash cars and could well be blessed in the toilet region, but as far as I can find, he is in rude good health.

  13. Posted

    Having checked out some of Rolf's non-TV work, (and if you forget that picture of the Queen) I find I now agree with LFN (a bit).

     

    Tony Adams (an artist of a different sort) however still resembles a donkey. Rolf appears only to be hung like one.

    _41775424_rolf_jake220.jpg

     

    Dorothea 'the oldest living surrealist' Tanning can't still be going. If so she is 97.

  14. Posted

    And anyone can manipulate figures to suit their needs. Depends how far you extend the fame credentials.

     

    Just far enough to have a threesome probably.

     

    Putting brackets around a fourth obviously helps too :P ''Anthony Minghella, Arthur C. Clarke, and Paul Scofield (and Richard Widmark too) in March''

     

    And of course, one could divide six into two threes too.

  15. Posted

    Oh, and Rolf Harris rocks.

    Pure snobbery, bullsh*t and prejudice from the "Up their own ar*e Art World" stops him from being taken seriously as a bloody good Painter.

    So there!

     

    Come on LFN, that's like calling Tony Adams a bloody good footballer. Right place, right time, determined, successful, but even they wouldn't claim to be particularly gifted. (I of course don't know this for a fact, and they both probably think they are incredibly gifted, and in some way share a resemblance to a donkey).

     

    This chap is doing a bit of a Rolf.

  25. Posted

    This is a true story and it's probably the most scared that I have ever been in my entire life.

     

    This is a drug story. But I'm clean now.

     

     

    Geovanni said he would be over in 20 minutes.

     

    It was probably four or five years ago. Any dealer that says he will be over in twenty minutes is like a jack pot find 'Some of you know that'...... reliability at it's finest. I'm in a suburban neighborhood now with a couple of my friends and we are already really high and on top of that I took like four or five Vikiden so the thought of getting in a car with somebody else driving was not really what I had in mind. We had to meet him, but I wasn't going by car. So I was like 'f**k you guys' 'and f**k you too' (When you are as high as I was, you think you can do anything)

     

    So I said 'I'm walking' and that's exactly what I did. I also had no idea where I was going but it was 85 degrees out and it was one of those highs where 'Everybody you see, is everybody you know' and out of nowhere I see this guy walking on somebody's lawn and from there he went to another guys house only he was going by their door. So I'm saying to myself 'this asshole is vandalizing property, this guys trying to break in!' So I took my cell phone out and dialed 9 - 11.

     

    I told the operator 'The guy has brown hair, 5'10\5'11 \black shirt ex ex. Right after I get off the phone I happen to see this huge truck thirty five feet from me and on the side of it in big letters it read 'UPS" ... it was the f****n mailman! Then I realize O my god.. 'I have brown hair. I'm wearing a black shirt. All of a sudden I realize I have one of my friends bags in my pocket and at the bottom of it there is so much coke......maybe three or four grams . . I'm going to jail. I'm going to jail. The thoughts were repetitious.

     

    Less then ten minutes later I'm getting dry mouth so badly I felt as if I were roasting in the Arizona desert. I felt as if all the houses were looking at me. I'm beginning to sweat and the sun was beginning to make that high pitched noise. At that very moment a cop car passed right beside me, I had never been so bugged out in my entire life. I was fortunate for it to pass me by. It was only along side of me for ten seconds, but it felt like ten minutes.

     

    By this time I was almost in some other town. It had just occurred to me 'where am I going?' and having that day been so lifeless I finally saw a human being out on their front lawn. It was a woman with this gigantic sun hat and she was kneeling down gardening. This woman ... had a fantastic body. Blond. From that view she was a 8\10. She was turned away and I needed a drink so badly ... I needed something.

     

    I said 'Hey, excuse me' 'Hello'

     

    No answer.

     

    Hello.

     

    No answer. I walked up up to the edge on the lawn and she remained in the same spot. Knelt down, with this gigantic gardening hat\ long blond hair and facing towards her home. One last time I said ....... HELLO

     

    She turned around

     

    IT was a f****n 85 year old woman........... I was never so horrified in my entire life. It looked like John McCains mother. I just kept walking and walking never more shaken.

     

    To this day I can never be sure how many miles I walked that afternoon.

     

     

    Imagine how she felt.

    Lukewarm tripe?

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