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Star Crossed

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Posts posted by Star Crossed

  4. Posted

    ... To believe in every last word of any holy book is wrong and indeed usually impossible due to the many contradictions such a book contains.

    ... unlike "Peter Seabrooke's Complete Vegetable Gardener" published by Cassell, which contains no contradictions whatsoever.

     

    I believe my current Assassin status renders this post de facto on-topic.

  5. Posted

    Bob Denard, the mercenary involved in so many missions in Africa, has died. More on him here, death announced here.

     

    This, for me, is the biggest miss of the year, DDP wise, because I eventually whittled it down to choosing between John Hermon & Bob Denard for the dementia hit 70 year old slot. Looks like (thus far) I chose wrong. :P

    He was one of the DDP candidates I had to find a photo for. Looked like the sort of C-word who should be sharing a faeces-smeared west-african jail cell with Simon Mann, Thicko Thatcher and Nick Du Twat. Unlucky, OoO. An unique pick for Ailing Rulers Of Africa!

  10. Posted

    Branson. ... Branson fell ... Branson came ... It nearly ripped his pants off and caused some painful but not serious injuries.
    Hopefully.

    The only time Branson stops making a C-word of himself these days, is when he takes a short break to be a self-aggrandizing, megalomaniacal C-word elsewhere.

     

    I'd like to submit the following scenario:

    Steve Fossett is found, alive and well. He and Branson embark on another epic edge-of-space balloon extravaganza. Mid-flight, (insert mechanical malfunction here) and Branson plummets earthwards, landing squarely on top of Rupert Murdoch as he applies his morning haemorrhoid cream, killing both of the c**ts.

    Steve Fossett embarks on another epic ballooning adventure, accompanied by gastro-C-word Jamie Oliver filming a "live, wecord-bwaking edge-of-thpace cookewy lethon". The "lethons of hithtory" not learned sufficiently well, however, (insert improbable but nonetheless satisfying mechanical malfunction here) and Jamie's oxygen supply is cut off. Literally dozens of his fans watch him slowly suffocate, separated from a smirking Steve Fossett's oxygen-rich half of the gondola/capsule by the thickness of a toughened-glass partition (installed to prevent the smell of freshly-chopped shallots from tearing-up Fossett's eyes as he navigates), live on tv.

    One grief-crazed Jamie Oliver fan takes up arms and storms the set of the Ready Steady Cook Christmas Special, needlessly (but rather pleasingly) ending the careers, and lives, of Gary Rhodes, Ainsley Harriot, Anthony Worrell-Thompson and a few other professional arseholes I can't remember right now. Somewhere in the midst of this commotion, the ubiquitous king of smug James Nesbitt is felled by a stray bullet, the bloody ricochet striking Pete Doherty to the temple, killing him almost instantly. Doherty falls, syringe-first, into Vanessa Feltz's lap. She pours her freshly-purchased half-gallon cup of McDonald's coffee into the lap of the gentleman sat to her immediate left, one Simon Cowell. It's alright though, folks, it doesn't kill him; it just causes horrendous burns and permanent disfigurement. In shock, his left arm swings out violently, breaking Graham Norton's nose; an injury from which he later dies.

    Somewhere else in the midst of all this, Alastair Campbell's cold, evil heart is impaled by the pointed end of a falling anvil. Upon hearing the news of this mass fatality, Ant & Dec carry out a suicide pact, shoving paracetamol up each other until they burst.

  12. Posted

    A Jodrell Bank Special was the subject of October's TSaN.

     

    Chris Lintott took a tour of the hardware, getting up close and personal with the big dish for the first time. Losing his Jodrell Bank virginity, one might say. Sir Patrick Moore stayed on terra firma talking to Jodrell Bank's founder, Professor Sir Bernard Lovell; two knights of the realm, old friends passing the time of day, reliving old glories, battles fought and won...

     

    I'm pleased to note that Patrick was on location and out in the open air, several hundred miles from home. His complexion looked better than it has done for some time, his characteristic vigour and enthusiasm for the subject as evident as ever. Deathlisters should be disappointed. I'm thrilled.

  14. Posted

    Well here I am in rural (ish) Norfolk, a crisp and beautiful day.

    The Pond glimmers, the fish quiet, the sweet smell of Autumn invading the nostrils.

    The roast is on and Im listening to the theme tune from the film "A Big Country"

    The world suddenly feels right and makes perfect sense.

    You can bet that the world didn't make quite so much sense for the chicken/lamb/cow/pig in that roasting tin, as it left this mortal coil with the sweet smell of blood, death and fear invading its nostrils, listening to the theme tune from "My Family And Friends Are Being Needlessly Slaughtered On An Industrial Scale".

    Norfolk; not renowned for displaying mercy toward roastable animals.

     

    Overcast and drizzling here in Northumberland. Must be time for

    .

  15. Posted

    Given that this entire story was about my experience and my actions would you care to rewrite it for the benefit of the forum?

    Not really. I've got a lot on my plate today, and simply can't fit any more tasks into my fil-o-fax. I thought you did quite well enough on your own, although it would have been nice if you'd "named and shamed" the corrupt officials who seem determined to thwart your educational aspirations.

  17. Posted

    ... I'd like to put the rest of the University of Aberdeen in with it! Let me explain ... students have to register and update ID cards etc. For me this process should have ended on 20th September. It is supposed to be a process which takes 48 hours at most - but not for me. ... the library systems deemed my ID card to be invalid ... I discovered that my Student Portal (which tells me about my timetable as well as confirming my courses), had not been updated. ... I found that that my WebCT service has not been ... coordinater ... I am still not on the class register for my politics course.

     

    Put all this and what does it tell you?

     

    It tells me that the University of Aberdeen simply don't value your continued presence, and that they're doing their level best to consign you to their Room 101.

  18. Posted

    Old poster? Surely not my Wendy James of Transvision Vamp, life-sized poster? Is that you? Where you have you been all these years? Did those guys who stole you from our flat during that party treat you well?

  20. Posted

    A psychic barber? I suppose he doesn't need an appointment book.
    "You're going somewhere nice for your holidays, aren't you?"

    "Something for the weekend, Mr. Scream? I wouldn't bother... that young lady you've been courting? She's gay."

  21. Posted

    Sky's Gillette Soccer Saturday, with the godlike Jeff Stelling. Yes, I'm like a pig in clover spending two hours watching Paul Merson or Phil Thompson shouting "oooohhh no, 'e's missed an open goal!!!" as they gaze at an unseen TV monitor, and I'm only ever so slightly embarrassed to admit it.

    Well that makes two of us.

    Im afraid it is a ritual if Im not working. I make bloody sure that Im laying, prone, on the Sofa listening to the finest TV anchor man in the country. Stelling is class.

    Everything has to fit around it, luckily Lady FN is quite a fan of it too.

    That makes 3 of us. I never thought I'd be peas-in-a-pod with Saturday-afternoon couch spuds 'arry and the missus, but (when I had Sky, which I don't these days) I used to wait with bated breath (almost, twixt-spliff) for the Hartlepool score. I recall when they got sent down (forget which season, it was fairly recently), and the gradually-unfolding drama of Jeff Stelling's personal tragedy was the best entertainment on telly for years!

    And, whilst I'm here and vaguely on-topic, Soccer AM. Lovely.

    • Like 1

  24. Posted

    Build your own

    Guitar!

    I was hoping to attempt the construction of an Anti-Gravity Lifter, but now I'm going to just make a bass guitar instead. This is roughly the DIY equivalent of NASA cancelling their next Mars mission in favour of an office outing to Disneyworld but hey, I've got a garage full of junk, several boxes of tools, and I'm in the mood to MacGyver me a sweet left-handed 4-string death-star!

    |,,| |,,|

  25. Posted

    Castro is one stubborn person, I just don't think he wants to give Bush the satisfaction of him dying during his term in office.

    ... To face it, wouldn't we all like to see the end of Bush's presidency a lot sooner?

    Yeah! It'd be great if, all these years, shrouded in secrecy, the Cubans have been ploughing all available profits from Godot's cigar habit into the development of some awesome super-weapon. Let's call it, for the sake of argument, a "Thermo-Socialist Quark-Interference Device" or "TheSQuID".

     

    At the last minute, after years of pissy rhetoric and counter-rhetoric and sanctions and defiance and blah blah blah, Fidel steps out onto his balcony. He announces, to the throngs of eager listeners below, that Cuba has successfully launched their fearsome super-weapon and neutralized the enemy...

    We have converted these decadent, soulless capitalists to socialism! We have improved their weather and, more importantly, symbolically annihilated the White House, at which GWB, Margaret Thatcher, Tony Bliar (sic), Condy Rice, GHW Bush, Ronald Reagan's corpse, Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, Donald Rumsfeld, Vladimir Putin, Ehud Olmert, Jamie Oliver, Ariel Sharon, Gordon Ramsey, Jeremy Kyle and a bunch of other arseholes happened to be attending some sort of conveniently-timed function. Long Live Cuba! Long Live Socialism!

    Is fan-fiction on-topic? Discuss... (but not here)

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