Perfect Passing

Fuck sake, not even close to enough members for a DDP theme team! Sad to hear about the demise of 'The Pussy Perishers' That's the trouble with today's elderly, so selfish

Let them in....the more the merrier.

In church a lady was heard to say a prayer. It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share it with you. "Dear Lord, This has been a tough four or five years. You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze, my favourite male singer Michael Jackson and my favourite Blues Singer Amy Winehouse. My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor, my favourite football manager Bobby Robson, and my favourite golfer Seve Ballesteros. My favourite female singer Whitney Houston and now my favourite comedianr, Robin Williams. I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are:Alec Salmond, Tony Blair, John Prescott, Ed Balls, Gordon Brown, Harriet Harman, David Cameron, Nick Clegg and Ed Miliband (in no particular order) Amen"

For crimes against all music, I really want to vote for James Last! But due to the Doc's limited field, my vote goes to James Randi.

Here's my twenty: - 1 Bruce Forsyth 2 Christopher Lee 3 Dickie Bird 4 Doris Day 4 Ethel Lang 6 Fidel Castro 7 George Bush Snr 8 Henry Kissinger 9 Hugh Hefner 10 Jean Alexander 11 Jimmy Greaves 12 Jimmy Hill 13 Kirk Douglas 14 Luise Rainer (Joker) 15 Marty Wilde 16 Nancy Reagan 17 Robert Mugabe 18 Stephen Hawking 19 Stirling Moss 20 Zsa Zsa Gabor

I'm quite partial to the modern classic that is, The Darkness - Don't let the bells end It must be because of my immaturity, me thinks. Apologies if this is one of the above links, I have not had the time to check!

Zsa Zsa

Go Zsa Zsa! Go!

John Mack Carter, a Kentucky-born journalist who had the singular distinction of editing all of the so-called Big Three women’s magazines and, in doing so, helped transform the genre during the feminist era, died on Friday at his home in Bronxville, N.Y. He was 86. http://www.nytimes.com/2014/09/27/business/media/john-carter-86-is-dead-led-womens-magazines-.html

A Romanian and a Liverpool guy go into a pastry shop. The Romanian whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice. The Romanian says to the Scouser, "You see how clever we are? You Scousers can never beat that!" The Scouser says to the Romanian, "Watch dis, any Scouser is smarter dan you, and I'll prove it to ya." He says to the baker, "Gimme a cookie, I'll show ya a magic trick!" The baker gives him the cookie, which the Scouser promptly eats. Then he says to the baker, "Gimme anudder cookie for me magic trick." The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. Then he says again, "Gimme one more cookie..." The baker is getting angry now, but gives him one anyway. The Scouser eats this one too. Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, "OK... And now where is your famous magic trick?" The Scouser says.... "Now look in the Romanian's pocket!"

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side. “When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was to take off my trousers,” he said. “I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on.” When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large... I told her, “of course they're too big”. “I wear the trousers in this family and I always will”. “Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.” Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them. “Exactly,” replied Jack. “I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will, so don't forget that.” Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. “Try these on,” she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. “I can't possibly get into your knickers,” said Jack. “Exactly,” replied Jill. “And if you don't change your bloody attitude, you never will.”

An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Fosters, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.. The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the payout from night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia .. ' Melbourne ', he tells her. 'So am I.. What suburb?' she enquires. 'Glen Iris' he replies. 'That's amazing,' she says excitedly, 'so am I - what street?' ' Cameo Street ' he replies. 'This is unbelievable.........' she says, her voice quavering; 'What number?' 'Number 20', he replies. She is totally astonished. 'You are NOT going to believe this,' she screams, 'but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!' 'I know...' he says, 'Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you'! HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN

I reported a dead woman lying in a field to the police. They asked me: 'How did you find her body?' I said, 'Her tits were ok, but the rigormortis had tightened her arse a bit too much for my liking.'

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly, I nearly fell in.

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for ‘Bear Removers.’ He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. ‘What are you going to do,’ the homeowner asks? ‘I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.’ He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. ‘What’s the shotgun for?’ asks the homeowner. If the bear knocks me off the roof...SHOOT THE DOG.

Helmut Schmidt........no reason of course, this is all purely guess work on my part!

On a roll with the 6th, my first ever correct guess!! For two in a row, I say, go Zsa Zsa go!

Due a bit of glamour, me thinks...Lauren Bacall has my vote!

Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar...Tiger says Stevie, "How's the singing career going?" Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?" Woods says "I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now." Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?" "Yes, I've been playing for years." Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?" Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves > to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." "But, how do you putt" asks Tiger. "Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice." Tiger: "What's your handicap?" Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer." Woods says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?" Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?" Stevie: "Pick a night."

In a London Nursing home an old priest lay dying. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nations capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near. "Yes, Father..?" said the nurse. "I would really like to see David Cameron and Nick Clegg before I die," whispered the priest. "I' ll see what I can do Father", replied the nurse The nurse sent the request to No 10 and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; David and Nick would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, David commented to Nick," I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images." Nick agreed that it was the right thing to do at this time. When they arrived at the priests room, the priest took Davids hand in his right hand and the Nicks hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priests face. The old priest slowly said: "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ." "Amen, " said David "Amen," said Nick The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieving b**tards; and I would like to do the same."

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine." Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. "Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?" Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far." Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

Clive James, no reason.

Lauren Bacall, no reason, other than she might die just before any of the others on the list of Death 2014!!

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?" All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.' The room erupted in applause…

I will never forget Rik reading George's Marvellous Medicine by Roald Dahl for the BBC's Jackonary. An absolute classic in how to convey a fantastic story! RIP.