Perfect Passing

That's not a joke - its off-Topic I know it is! But I don't give a Swiss Roll.

Mr. Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was just After Eight. They got off at Quality Street and had a drink in a Mars Bar. He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa. 'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts' he replied. He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her. Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple. He fondled her Curly Wurlies and she rubbed his Maltesers. Soon they were Heart Throbs. It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight. But 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip started to itch. Turns out..... Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night, when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. 'This is the 21st century, Dad,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.' I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...........

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy. 'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor. Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... ' 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?' Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... ' The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. ' By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'. Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?' 'Now wot da fock would you say?'

Husband’s SMS: Darling, I've been hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital. They have been making tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head has been very strong but fortunately it seems that did not cause any serious injury. However, I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot. Wife’s Response: Who’s Paula?

Three Irishmen having a pint in a pub. One says 'great place this, buy one drink and you get a free packet of crisps with the second!' The second guy says ' There's a pub in my village, where if you buy one drink the second is free' The third guy says 'Well I hear that there is a pub in my village whre if you buy one drink you get the next six free, and after that you can go out the back for a free shag!' The others are incredulous, 'thats amazing' they say, Have you been? Not yet! he says, but my sister has.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the clairvoyant delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your wife will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, he stared at the mystic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at his hands. He took a few deep breaths to compose himself and to stop his mind racing. He simply had to know. He met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied his voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

999,273. Bud Abbott 999,274. Lou Costello

999,074. Harry Selfridge

998,923. Sir Barnes Wallis

Happy Days Al

998.885. Guy Mitchell 998,886. Rosemary Clooney 998,887. Connie Francis

937,081 to 937,136. 'The 56' that perished in The Bradford City FC Fire Disaster of 1985. http://bradfordcityfire.co.uk/category/the-56/

Yeah...Tupac came in at 924. 937,080. Queen Victoria

937,075. Shirley 'Big daddy' Crabtree 937,076. 'Bomber' Pat Roach 937,077. Mick McManus 937,078. Martin 'Giant Haystacks' Ruane

891,591. Edward Woodward 891,592. George Peppard 891,593. Bob Monkhouse 891,594. David Coleman 891,595. Barry Sheen 891,596. George C. Scott

828,632. Bob Holness

Dismissing the 2nd World War/RAF deaths totalling 55,573, due to some duplications with names on the Commonwealth War Graves Post. Until an official ruling is made by the powers that be of course.............. The Three Original Stooges: - 828,627. Moe Howard 828,628. Curly Howard and 828,629. Larry Fine Not forgetting Curly Howard's replacement, his brother 828,630. Shemp Howard

765835. Christopher Reeve

1706. Jack Dempsey 1707. Floyd Patterson 1708. Sonny Liston

Or go on then...... 1688. Curt 'Mr Perfect' Hennig

1606. Ritchie Valens

Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Scotland. She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping far below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let the drunken bastard in.

1550. Max Bygraves

873. Errol Flynn