Lard Bazaar

Nice work Windsor. Any chance of the next bit of good news from Fraserburgh being 'slaggy old bag lady previously from Wiltshire dies horrible, scab-infested syphilis induced death after shagging entire population of town, twice'?

Watch a fish have a big sh*t

But some people turn the illness into a surrogate career. So - for example - Jane Tomlinson went on for ages and gained high profile publicity, and still kept people guessing so well that she survived some deadpool nominations in the years before she died. Why does it matter how a person became famous? They're either famous or not. Should we discriminate against those who became famous for criminal activities, e.g.? It's not a morality play, just a game to predict which celebrities will die. Does Paris Hilton "deserve" to be a celebrity any more than Terry Schiavo? Quite right. Famous people have feelings too... Kent Brockman's Two Cents says...yes, Jane Tomlinson became famous by dealing with adversity - she battled her illness through nationally recognised (OED spelling) achievement, thereby, IMHO, hurdling the fame barrier. The bar, however, does have to be drawn somewhere - and some terminally ill yokel, however sad their plight, who appears in the Trowbridge Presdigitator, does not limbo. Octopus has to set the bar, and I will happily conform to his decision. Peace. But, with Jane Tomlinson, the fact remains that she was not famous before becoming ill, so by that token she would not qualify if that was the criteria. Not that I care, I'm rubbish at this bloody game.

I regularly get emails asking if I'd like an extra five inches of cock - seeing as I'm getting precisely zero inches at the moment, an extra five would be ideal - but whenever I reply saying 'yes please, bring it round, here's my address' I never get any response. Disappointing. These emails are definitely a scam.

Yay pissed again and all boys are bastards (mostly), and all Banshees are tossers - come on Banshees, give us something to argue about you big old numbnuts you - new tattoo, leg is stinging like f**k, three bottles of wine, ears are ringing like f**k, much cheesy 80s dancing - and no f*****g kebab, bastards - let's hope someone dies overnight. - And look mum (you bitch) no typos! Edit at 1128am - Gosh, I was drunk last night - sorry.

How bizarre - do you have a particularly sought-after kind of dog then?

If we're talking lyrics, let's talk death lyrics - here's one from that cheeky young scamp Morrissey, from my favourite song (well, my favourite song today) 'There's a club if you'd like to go You could meet somebody who really loves you So you go and you stand on your own And you leave on your own And you go home And you cry And you want to die' Whenever I hear that, I want to kill myself. I listen to it quite often.

No-o-o-o-o!!! I mean some things you do regularly are enjoyable, life-affirming and stress busting. Would you - for example - get up one morning and announce to Mrs Godot that she'd had her lot since you were sticking to 3000 shags in a lifetime? She should thank her lucky stars if she gets 3000 shags in a lifetime - it would take me about 300 lifetimes to get 3000 shags.

No no no bless you, that was the next line in the story! 'Meanwhile, in Mongolia's capital, nothing makes any sense.' This is a bit of a crap story though - I think it went astray when someone mentioned Andrew Sachs.....

nothing makes any sense

to Manuel, Andrew Sachs

You always manage to weave a magical tale of fear, terror, disappointment and utter arse clenching tedium. A true Carlisle supporter methinks. You deseve a medal Sir! What's Banshees got to do with this?

Well, I could never come due to work (and knew this quite early on), and indeed never indicated I was coming to this one, and told people I wasn't as well, so I hope this didn't cause any bad issues. Just a suggestion - and only a suggestion - Somewhere near Luton? Good for all the Scots as they could get flights down to the airport. Good for all the Londoners as easy reach, but without London pub prices Good for those in France, Germany, Spain & most of Central (and indeed with the Czech Republic, Slovakia & Poland), Eastern Europe. On the M1 & by the A5, so not too bad for those driving. Has three train stations there too, so that's got to help people too. Now, I don't suggest this because I used to live there, and live 15 miles away - but because it seems a decent compromise. And of course, whilst I wouldn't organise the get-together, I do know plenty of pubs/restaurants round the area - not Luton itself, it's too shitty - including some very very nice country pubs where you can get pissed as a fart & eat & still have change for £20! I like the cut of your gib, young man.

A bit of info on good old Wiki about Remembrance Day in other countries.

Hard bastards, monks. Tibetan monks are also well tasty. So I've heard. Although the first rule of monk fight club is......etc. Hmmmm, Tibetan monks, or Benedictine monks, who's the hardest? There's only one way to find out......... FIGHT!

I'm not laughing. Really I'm not.

Covered by the total legend that is Billy Idol, no less. Not relevant, just any good reason to mention the lustbucket that is Billy.

F uckwit. Even I got that one.

I agree and I'dd to that people wearing poppies before November. I agree with the poppy cause but seeing them everywhere from mid October cheapens the cause and turns them into a Christmas decoration. I have to admit to being a Legion Treasurer* and have some idea of the rules etc for Legion poppy collections.....Poppies should not be worn until two weeks before Remembrance Sunday. We've had them in stock, but not released them...next thing MPs and TV "personalities" are wearing them - just to be seen that they are ahead of everyone (pretty pointless, but they feel compelled to do it). The reason that large companies (eg Sainsburys etc) place huge poppies on the front of their lorries etc is that they, separately, provide huge donations to the poppy appeal (which may go unnoticed) - and feel they have to brag about it as visibly as possible. Our Legion members collect outside various supermarkets (including Sainsburys) and that money is banked by that local Legion. However, I do agree that they are marginalising the true poppy collectors when they parade around metre-wide poppies. On the other hand......they are obviously noticed and - if that imprints on the psyche - then perhaps more poppies will be sold....I'll just dangle on the fence. * Our tiny club collected over £65k during last year's poppy collection (with one donor handing over a £10k cheque) and have collected over £50k for each of the preceding five years. Interestingly, this year (despite the middle of a recession), we have been overwhelmed by poppy donations. Regardless of how we ended up in war, there is a common support for those who have had to needlessly "bear the brunt" as required by our Government. Fair points, well made. I'm certainly not knocking the cause, and if it brings in more money, then I suppose my whinge is pretty lame! But they're horrible!

Those big, tacky, awful, horrendous plastic massive poppies that are stuck on the front of buildings, supposedly to remember the war dead. What a load of sh*t, they are horrible. OK, I assume that the companies displaying them have bought them from somewhere and the money has gone to the cause, which is good, but that doesn't stop them looking f*****g tacky and vile. Can't the companies just donate the money, and not have the great big plastic piece of sh*t gurning out from their buildings? We have one on the front of our County Hall and it makes the building look like a f*****g great big advert for Comic Relief. Nasty and horrible.

Getting a voicemail from someone lovely who you haven't seen for ages - it makes you feel all warm and spangly.

Yes I got there on time, thank you for asking. I was pretty hung over but a well-judged tactical chunder at 5am kept it within the bounds of endurableness. As regards next year, as LG pointed out Dublin Airport is one of the easiest and cheapest places in Europe to get to. So how about having it there? Dublin Airport sounds good to me! Seeing as I've never been to Ireland or Scotland I'll add my voice to it being a good idea to move the venue of DL III. I mostly don't mind where we go but please don't make me fly, it's my worst nightmare! And plus I look like Rosemary West without the glasses on my passport photo, so I've been told, which is quite worrying because on my previous passport I had a perm and someone else said I looked like Ma><ine Carr. Maybe I'll just go the whole hog now and grow a beard a la the Yorkshire Ripper.

This is nothing new - there are plenty of speeding muppets on my estate. Yours Lard (who is £60 lighter and 3 points heavier after being caught on the Bath bypass at 61mph )

Now would you look at that, it's gone back to being a kebab.