Lard Bazaar

There is a story that exactly that happened at my secondary school, but sadly I think that is a myth too. There were plenty of PE teachers I would have gladly speared just for fun.

Those links have brightened up my day no end, and caused me to emit small chuckles even though I am alone in the house. Thanks I have to say the funniest thing I ever saw was a boy called Stuart Berry light his farts when we were teenagers, I have never ever laughed so much in my entire life. Why do we find this funny?

A seminal donor? There just aren't enough of those around.

I just stumbled across this little gem, I make that five weeks. Lets see shall we if he is true to his word. What a find, well done! I calculate that we're due no posts until 16 August. Let's hope that Deathlist gets a record haul this year.....

The swines , tell me where you work and we'll get all the mods together and sort them out. It's OK thanks. I'm working on a plot to poison them .... maybe add a little something to the Cornish fudge I'll be bringing back. We were in Cornwall last week - if you go to Lizard Point there is a brilliant little cafe attached to a gift shop on your left as you get there - the most amazing puddings and homemade cakes I have ever seen in my fat life. I heartily recommend it.

You may not necessarily - but if you can't be arsed to do an even decent covering letter with your CV, I ain't employing you. I wouldn't judge the applicant by that for that particualr position. I'd be more interested in what qualifications and skills he listed. You can't really put practical skills down on a bit of paper. Then again, I'm not running a highly successful business. I'm assuming you're successful because plumbers are generally a shower of robbing bastards. Ooo, that hurts! We are not robbers, mainly because Mr Lard is always sh*t scared of turning up on Rogue Traders on a secret undercover camcorder!

You may not necessarily - but if you can't be arsed to do an even decent covering letter with your CV, I ain't employing you.

Has he given you his mobile number as a point of contact? If so send him three letters P F O. You could start a modern day equivalent to the please feck off letter, being more direct and actually stating please feck off as opposed to the usual drivel contained within. I will not suggest however that the sh!t sandwich (delivering bad news between two well thought compliments) has a modern day make over. Never thought of it as a sh*t sandwich! Nice one. However having consulted with Mr Lard, who, after all, owns the company, he says I shouldn't mention it, and that I am indeed being picky and anal. My point was that if the boy has no attention to detail in a letter, what might he miss on a plumbing job - turning the gas off or something, thus blowing someone's house to Kingdom Come. Bastard. Spoils all the fun. I have therefore given a two line response, along the lines of thanks, but f**k off. So all is not lost And I've still got bloody toothache.

Am I being picky and anal? Mr Lard has received a letter from a young man asking for an apprenticeship position. Mr Lard is a plumber. The letter has a small number of grammatical and punctuation errors, but horror of horrors, in the last line he has used textspeak - u instead of you. I really really really want to mention this in a nice way in our reply - am I being mean and picky, or should I tell it like it is, i.e. TEXTSPEAK f**ks US OFF, IT SHOWS YOU HAVE NO ATTENTION TO DETAIL AND ARE THICK AS sh*t? Any thoughts?

Co-founder of Matchbox Toys now in his own box.

Oh lord yes. She needs shooting.

I thought of another - Daniel and Natasha Bedingfield. They both make my skin crawl.

OK, she's dead.

Tell her you want to show her how we make babies... and that yes, men's thingies *are* usually shaped like that. Athough she is naive with regard to what a fallopian tube is, she knows all about what her other bits do. On another occassion, when her then work mate was sating that she would never do anal because it would hurt, she piped up to say "Its not all that bad actually". She has been taken advantage of several times by men old enough to be her father. She is a country lass you see. If you have a car, you are a millionaire to her. It's a shame really. Ah, I see my mother has got a job at your place then.

Well I had a lovely time despite the weather, I ate loads of pasties and drank loads of shandies and had the most spectacular piece of toffee cake in a lovely cafe at Lizard Point yesterday. And then last night some bloke tried to choke to death in the pub where we had our tea. He went all purple and everything and slumped over the table, and his missus was screaming like a fishwife for someone to do something. Luckily he recovered after a time. And the paramedics turned up about half an hour later, so if he hadn't been fine, he definitely wouldn't have been fine by the time they got there.

Oooo, my favourite thread so far. Anthea Turner Michael Barrymore Les Dennis Cilla Black Celine Dion Jayne MacDonald The whole Loose Women programme Britney Spears Christina Aguilera Steve Penk Deidre Barlow Tom f*****g Cruise I will definitely think of some more, but I have raging toothache at the moment and am feeling somewhat distracted.

I'm off on hols to St Ives for the week today. I'm going to stuff my face with pasties and ice cream ooooaaarrrrr. We foolishly picked this week thinking the weather would be all right. Let's hope there's a plethora of rain/water/drowning related deaths for the list while I'm away.

Have you been peering through my windows?

We've got a missing man down the road from us too.

Typo or intentional crudeness? Let me guess.....

sorry MC, but the worst Police song (Tea in the Sahara, perhaps?) is still better than the best Sting song. Fair enough, I'm not going by my favourite artists but by the fact they sold lots of records by themselves. I thought that was the jist, I'm sorry. I think Ten Summoners Tales must have gone at least platinum, I'm sure a keen googler woud tell me. However someone like Gary Barlow should definitely not have bothered. I'll add a few more who you'll probably think are contentious.. Ozzy Osbourne. Eric Clapton. Justin Timberlake. Peter Gabriel. Brian Wilson. Madonna. She was in some sh*t band before going solo. Paul McCartney. OK, he's not as good as The Beatles, but I don't think anyone could say he hasn't had a successful solo career. Will Smith. Sold loads since he ditched Jazzy Jeff.

And Bjork.

Very cheesy but Summertime by Will Smith, or Fresh Prince or whatever he was called reminds me of summer, cruising around manky Wiltshire not in a jeep but in my mate's Metro. We were cool.

Apart from Robbie Williams.

Blimey, that's made me wince, and I'm a girl.