Slave to the Grave

Does anyone know why girl dogs hump people's legs?

Bon Anniversaire Monsieur Nelson. I expect you'll be visiting the gentlemens' room rather a lot this evening!!

Suffering from the slightest hint of OCD, I have to admit to having considered this problem already. Personally, I always use the unlock button on my car keys. Having lived in essex briefly, I was all too familiar with cashpoints covered in piss and vom - never touch, NEVER touch. Oh to have an unlock button

Exorcise your goats.

He needs a spokesman!

I'm so sorry to hear about your sister LB.

I think four is more than enough

Pots and kettles LFN, pots and kettles

So sorry BHB. SttG (who would like to add her name to your list of dog choice admirers).

Bon Anniversaire H. Hope you're having a fantastic day!!

That looks suspiciously like the Union Flag painted on an Orangutan. Looks like Jimmy Osmond to me.

Start a terror alert with your cooking.

Clonazepam which has freed me from 6 weeks of excruciating neck/head pain caused by a trapped occipital nerve (will probably be putting it in rm 101 when I have to stop taking it and the withdrawal symptoms kick in but for the moment I'm free hoorah!!) Also disgustingly ripe oozy stinky brie, champagne, pouilly fumé, chicken liver and avocado sandwiches, potatoes fried in duck fat, the smell of lemon and garlic, trees, gallic shrugs, the word pantoufle (one for NAP that although you wouldn't get them in Margate), my bed, hamsters and shoes.

Great article - I'm astonished that the Dame Edna Everage sidekick is 100 yrs old this year. Glad to see they have "new blood" after Fluff & Drakey died last year. "This former can-can dancer has plenty to say and is a bundle of good cheer, despite having had both her lower legs amputated." If it wasn't the BBC I'd say that article was a piss-take She'd be a can't-can't dancer then.

I thought so too back in 2005, but I'm not so sure now, as apart from her dodgy hip and 'sagging jowels', she doesn't appear to have anything particularly wrong with her. Of course, this is probably the cue for her to keel over tomorrow.

Bit like Uncle Evelyn, sort of.

Dementia Test. This a quiz (sort of). Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin. 1. What do you put in a toaster? Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2. 2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink? Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3. 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from? Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on to Question 4. 4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land"? Answer: You don't bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question. 5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, 6 people get off the bus and9 people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and 4 get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , 3 people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver? Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!! PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

Bon Anniversaire Mono, hope you're having a marvellous day. 'arry beat me to the cake, but I spent such a long time making mine, I just had to post it. Enjoy! ('arry's is a bit 1970s anyway - pineapple rings and glacé cherries )

Happy Birthday LG. Hope you're having a fabulous day.

Well, despite almost insurmountable technical difficulties, I have just e-mailed the 'ttg,s team selections. CP can you please post on here if you have received them or not as I don't feel particularly confident that I've configured our new e-mails properly. Merci

Happy Birthday Cap'n: Santé!!

On the subject of pavement etiquette - people who suddenly stop on a busy pavement so that you walk into them. To stick up for buggy pushers a bit (although I'm no longer one of them and when I was, would never have dreamed of walking in tandem with another buggy pusher), it is particularly difficult to stop when you are pushing a buggy. I once ran into an old lady in Bury St Edmunds on market day, she'd been walking quite briskly and stopped very suddenly, I had no chance of avoiding her. She very nearly sat on my son as his feet, which were sticking out, caught her behind the knee and she sort of buckled. Luckily, she managed to keep her balance and despite my apologies (it wasn't even my fault), let out a stream of expletives. I was too shocked to answer back.