To die for

1 - A card game of some sort? Poker maybe? 2 - Niagra Falls, erosion 3 - Peas, Runner beans 4 - Strawberry 5 - Bottle is attached to tree around a growing fruit, pear grows inside the bottle until it is too big to be removed. 6 - Dwindle, dwell 7 - Colon, semi-colon, full stop, comma, hyphen, Question mark, exclaimation mark, apostrophe, quotation marks etc 8 - Banana 9 - Shoes, socks, slippers, sandals, skis, skates, stillettoes How'd I do?

I've just cleaned up cat vomit that had a tail in it. Blech!

Went to Alton Towers today, threw myself round lots of rides. Was just thinking in terms of theme park statistics, how many accidents are purely down to f'uckwittedness?

Your last name isn't Scream is it? Doubtful, but I've never seen so much winking over the thought of LB, a hairbrush and some fingering. Stop winking or you'll go blind.

Funnily enough, I had that exact issue at Sainsburys, the assistant offered to show me where the dog brushes were. I wasn't sure if he was just being overly helpful or a bit of a smart arse, either way, spotty git! Maybe I looked that tangled, it wouldn't be the first time.

Yep, totally agree Godot. The Eurostar train has a much better arrangement, in that if you wish to recline, then your own seat part slides forward and the "back" portion remains fixed, so you can recline without affecting the poor sod behind you. Much better all round -- if *you* wish to alter *your* seating, then that's what you do, without impinging on someone else. Rail 1 Planes 0. But have you noticed that all the "Whistle Stop" shops are disappearing from stations, unless you plan ahead, the only option is a warm can of beer at £4 from the elusive trolley. I suppose at least you can still drink the beer you brought with you on the train. 2-0 to rail. Gare du Midi station you can buy an own brand 500 mL bottle of water for 34 cents if I remember correctly which as you quite rightly point out you can take on board with out getting frisked to the rectal probe degree. There's always one Johnny terrorist that has to spoil it for the rest of us. IMHO I think we should be allowed to take water through airport security if we drink a bit as proof. It's just wrong that they are allowed to rape us of excessive amounts of Euros once we're through to te other side. I reckon the liquid bombers was in fact a Ryanair tip off to make more of us buy their bloody baggies. That's a good point, why the f'uck does putting liquids in a re-sealable bag make them secure?

Norman Wisdom

Yep, totally agree Godot. The Eurostar train has a much better arrangement, in that if you wish to recline, then your own seat part slides forward and the "back" portion remains fixed, so you can recline without affecting the poor sod behind you. Much better all round -- if *you* wish to alter *your* seating, then that's what you do, without impinging on someone else. Rail 1 Planes 0. But have you noticed that all the "Whistle Stop" shops are disappearing from stations, unless you plan ahead, the only option is a warm can of beer at £4 from the elusive trolley. I suppose at least you can still drink the beer you brought with you on the train. 2-0 to rail.

How the feck can you "speak like a homosexual". By talking in a highpitched voice like someone is pulling on your sack. Hmm... know a lot of GAY people and none of them speak like that The only person that springs to mind is Jimmy Somerville And Joe Pasquale. Yes.. but he's not actually gay... the point I was making to feckwit above is that you can't really "speak like a homosexual". All the gay people that immediately spring to mind e.g. Matt Lucas, Elton John, Peter Mandelson, Boy George, George Michael, Ruper Everett etc. don't have high pitched voices and speak like any other bloke! Elton John is gay? Please tell me you're being sarcastic...

On the phone to drunk friend who had to ring because she didn't know what IMHO meant when I txted about how two bottles of wine was perfectly normal behaviour, now I'm pissed to

I never thought he would do all the O2 dates but topping yourself to get out of them....probably shouldn't have signed up Michael. RIP I wonder if he'll be enshrined in Neverland?

People who know where their horn is but not what indicators are for.

Never heard of him. And even after googling, I a) still haven't heard of him and 2) think he needs a f'ucking good haircut. I think I'd rather shag your husband as well. ..............and he bears more than a passing resemblance to Homer Simpson these days! The boy needs to wash his hair. Pluck his eyebrows, get a nose job etc etc. The list is endless. The paint on abs for the next Twilight film are also very disappointing. The kid that plays Jacob has a much better body!

This ones dead dude, is that close enough?

F1 is a load of old sh*te. PS:Keep talking dirty TDF, it may lure back a certain member. It pains me to say it, we could do with them at the mo... British GP was pretty dull and I have never liked the Nürburgring or Hungary, roll on Spa. LFN sweetie, I think the lack of action is getting to you, I wasn't trying for dirty, I was going for outraged. Oh well, f'uck it, as long as you're enjoying yourself. Oh, I know you were TDF. Personally, I would have gone for "utter w'ankers". Its just that the use of such a word, with its obvious sexual overtones, just might, only just might, bring back a certain somebody. If you have ever watched a fly maneuvering round a cows a'rsehole, you will understand who Im refering to..hopefully. I'm fairly sure I know who you are trying to tempt back, good analogy BTW, both spout s'hit.

F1 is a load of old sh*te. PS:Keep talking dirty TDF, it may lure back a certain member. It pains me to say it, we could do with them at the mo... British GP was pretty dull and I have never liked the Nürburgring or Hungary, roll on Spa. LFN sweetie, I think the lack of action is getting to you, I wasn't trying for dirty, I was going for outraged. Oh well, f'uck it, as long as you're enjoying yourself.

Tic-tac Touch base Management speak makes me want to smash stuff.

I want to swear dammit!

This article suggests that the budget cap is more to do with Bernie Ecclestone's 50% commercial rights share than actual cost savings, who'd have thought it! I do hope that the teams don't back down, both of those cocksuckers have to go! Thought I would pick a slightly unoriginal swear word that works, I did want to say fokers or amazing people but both have lost their bite now. Why would w'ankers be amazing people?

s'hite = diarrhea It was the spelling more than anything else.

Go well Lardy, The Voice of Young Maryport is checking out Oasis at Wembley later this summer, after he's seen the mighty Neil Young - again - with me. Well, it was all right. Not the best gig I've ever been to. They played all the old favourites though, so it was good for a sing-a-long. The sound quality was not very good (although this may have been due to where we were standing, I'm not very acoustically knowledgable), and the support bands (The Enemy and Kasabian) were all right, but none of it excited me in the way other live bands have. It was an OK day out, I got covered in beer at least five times, and slobbered over by a fat ginger drunken cretin. And Burger King was shut by the time we got to the services on the way home. Yeh but Lardy, did you think the Foos sounded fantastic? The new Wembley seemed to be acoustically diarrhea as well. It was still one of the best gigs I've ever been to! The small gigs (to my mind) are the best ones: Kaiser Chiefs at Millenium Square. Awesome! Why is s hit e spelt wrong?

Go well Lardy, The Voice of Young Maryport is checking out Oasis at Wembley later this summer, after he's seen the mighty Neil Young - again - with me. Well, it was all right. Not the best gig I've ever been to. They played all the old favourites though, so it was good for a sing-a-long. The sound quality was not very good (although this may have been due to where we were standing, I'm not very acoustically knowledgable), and the support bands (The Enemy and Kasabian) were all right, but none of it excited me in the way other live bands have. It was an OK day out, I got covered in beer at least five times, and slobbered over by a fat ginger drunken cretin. And Burger King was shut by the time we got to the services on the way home. Yeh but Lardy, did you think the Foos sounded fantastic? The new Wembley seemed to be acoustically diarrhea as well. It was still one of the best gigs I've ever been to! The small gigs (to my mind) are the best ones: Kaiser Chiefs at Millenium Square. Awesome!

Bob Dylan collaborator Kenny Rankin has died aged 69.

Would've gone for "None of the Above" as Farrah Fawcett seems to be fading fast, but since we're voting on one from the list - Robert Novak.

I also enjoyed it. The destruction of Vulcan? I can see a sequel on the way. The younger Doc McCoy was fabulous, the Spock one-liners had me chuckling. "Green blooded hob-goblin" for example.