RIP Wee Jum

If you get your Mrs pregnant now then by the time its born in 9 month you get 2 weeks paternity leave for World Cup 2018

What did the dad say to his son before he got in the car? "Son. Get in the car."" What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck. I'm thinking about getting a new haircut... I'm going to mullet over. I gave all my dead batteries away today... Free of charge. So an untalented gymnast walks into a bar... I wanted to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it Why was the egg in a rush? Because he was scrambled Why did the fish blush? Because it saw the oceans bottom What do you call two spiders who just got married Newlywebs

Emergency services rescue top flight footballer from Glasgow river in early morning dramatic rescue http://www.eveningtimes.co.uk/news/15498525.Emergency_services_rescue_top_flight_footballer_from_Glasgow_river_in_early_morning_dramatic_rescue/ Apparently Gary Mackay-Steven. I reckon he has been sad since his transfer to Aberdeen, missing Stuart Armstrong

I hate when people ask me where I will be in 3 years time I have to tell them I don't have 2020 vision

What's the leading cause of dry skin? Towels

“As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.”

Why did the toilet-paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom. What do you call a Mexican that lost his car? Carlos Why did the old lady fall into a hole? She couldn't see that well

My suggestions for what I think the list for next year should look like :- KEEP 1 Kirk Douglas 2 Vera Lynn 3 Billy Graham 4 Lord Carrington 5 Denis Norden 6 Pierre Cardin 7 Olivia De Havilland 8 Herman Wouk 9 Tony Booth 10 Leah Bracknell 11 Jimmy Carter 12 Gord Downie 13 Robert Mugabe 14 Jake Lamotta 15 King Michael of Romania 16 Jill Gascoine 17 George Bush Senior 18 Ian St John 19 David Prowse 20 Fats Domino 21 Hosni Mubarak 22 Desmond Tutu 23 Gay Byrne 24 Liz Dawn 25 Valerie Harper RETURN 26 Clive James 27 Peter Suttcliffe 28 Jimmy Greaves 29 Angela Landsbury 30 Aretha Franklin 31 Prunella Scales 32 Doris Day 33 Jacques Chirac 34 Charles Aznavour 35 James Randi NEW 36 Tensin Gyatso 37 Burt Reynolds 38 Clarissa Eden 39 Montserrat Caballé 40 Linda Nolan 41 Shane MacGowan 42 Kenny Sansom 43 Ray Wilson 44 John McCain 45 Ronnie Wood 46 Olivia Newton John 47 Johnny Hallyday 48 Ric Flair 49 Shannen Doherty 50 Gudrun Ure

Knock out blow for LaMotta

Queen Betty as nobody else has voted for her.

Former Aberdeen boss Jimmy Calderwood says he’s living with Alzheimer’s Disease https://www.sundaypost.com/fp/former-aberdeen-boss-jimmy-calderwood-reveals-hes-living-alzheimers-disease/

What was the name of King Arthur's knight that always thought he was right? Sir Tain (certain) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What was the name of King Arthur's knight that recognized and acknowledged the achievements of the other knights? Sir Tificate (certificate) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What was the name of King Arthur's knight that used to spy on other castles? Sir Veillance ( surveillance ) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What was the name of King Arthur's knight that who could live in the wilderness for many days on end? Sir Vival (survival) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Which of King Arthur's knights was prone to redness and irritation? Sir Iasis (psoriasis) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Which of King Arthur's knights enjoyed spicy food? Sir Acha (sriracha) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Which of King Arthur's knights were always willing to help? Sir Vent (servant) and Sir Vice (service) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Which of King Arthur's knights had the largest collection of snakes? Sir Pent (serpent)

RIP Glen Campbell or as one of your song went

Kirk Douglas

I don't know who June is, but she is a very luck girl

Nah Celtic would be a Championship / Division 1 yo-yo club. Celtic think if they played in England they will automatically be put in the Premiership. Not a chance. They would have to start at the bottom and work their way up. 'Dirty' Leeds can't get out of the Championship, with a much stronger team than Celtic, and Celtic think they will walk the lower leagues. Ha ha ha not a chance

Glasgow Rangers 1872 - 2012 RIP http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-40501361 Either they admit they are a new team, or they are due HMRC alot of money

Progres Niederkorn hadn't scored a European goal since 1981 until tonight

Rangers will be turning in their grave after 'The Rangers' got dumped out of Europe by Progres Niederkorn (some random team from Luxenbourg)