Primal Scream

Well, I thought you might be on to something so I had a quick search for info on Cilla, but at only 62 years of age and not having found any reports of serious illness I think she's safe for the time being - even if she might not be having a lorra lorra laughs at the moment. If you're interested in speculating on the next celebrity Liverpudlian to conk out then you could do worse than back Ken Dodd - 78 in November. A potential outside bet could be Wayne Rooney - possibly on his way out if he decides to follow something akin to the George Best path of career development, or if Colleen fights back next time with a blunt instrument.

Let not Patrick Moore's apparent decrepitude deceive you all! He may appear terminally shambolic, but numerous predictions of his imminent demise (even by the putative corpse himself) have all thus far failed to be vindicated. I confidently predict his survival into 2006! Are you telling us that Patrick Moore supposes himself to be dead already? Meant to say prospective corpse. Must've been having a confused moment when I typed that - again. Sorry!

Life is part of a continual cycle of birth, growth, death and renewal. Without death, life could not continue to exist for very long. Or at least it wouldn't be much fun. OK, enough mindless philosophising, back to the original point... I reckon only about ten of the names on the list will end up shuffling off in 2005. Call it a feeling - and its not just the product of five having carked it halfway through the year either. Of course, as my powers of accurate prediction are worse than those of the average astrologer (or even than the meaningless utterances of TV weather forecasters), this is actually cause for optimism amongst those hoping for a bumper body count. Why, I have just made a confident prediction of the survival into 2006 of Patrick Moore, so he for starters is therefore most unlikely to make it beyond the end of next week.

I also think Bush is probably safe. Apart from the aforementioned security around him, I think someone would already have had a go by now if it was going to happen. Reckon Cheney and his dicky ticker will be checking out soon though.

Let not Patrick Moore's apparent decrepitude deceive you all! He may appear terminally shambolic, but numerous predictions of his imminent demise (even by the putative corpse himself) have all thus far failed to be vindicated. I confidently predict his survival into 2006!

Something's telling me there's something not quite right about that logic but I just can't work it out. Logical? LOGICAL??!!?? Who do you think you're talking to here, Mr Spock? No seriously, the theory behind my celebrity death predictions is entirely logical - it just so happens that my logic is different to everyone else's. I just find it a little suspicious that, according to reports, poor Richard appeared to be recovering when he took such a sudden and dramatic turn for the worse. I think it's possible that, in fact, a grudge-harbouring and very psychotic losing Countdown contestant snuck into the hospital and did for him. In that case, Carol becomes an obvious target. In fact, to be safe, I'd also issue warnings for their safety to the lady who used to do the letters before Carol, and all the lexicographers at the Oxford English Dictionary, and regular Dictionary Corner guests Gyles Brandreth and Richard Stilgoe. On second thoughts, scrub Brandreth and Stilgoe and add them to my death predictions please, if they're still alive anyway. Also forgot to include Sir Ranulph Fiennes in my previous post. One of the great explorers of our time, but also quite possibly barking, carpet-bitingly mad, he has proposed to follow up his near-death experience on Everest with an ascent of the Eiger. I reckon the guy's determined to go out in style.

I reckon Her Maj will keep going until she keels over. Not sure when that'll be, but if the Queen and Prince Philip have both kicked the bucket in another five years I won't be surprised. Remember, the Queen Mum may have lived to 102 but all she had to do for the last fifty years of her life was pickle herself in gin and read the Racing Post - no state visits to Vanuatu/Nigeria/Peru or tedious receptions for the President of Botswana/Kazakhstan/the Solomon Islands for the old gal.

How about... Dick Cheney - Yank politician, dicky ticker. Bill Clinton - er, Yank politician, dicky ticker. Prof Steven Hawking - a miracle he's lasted this long. Baroness Thatcher - surely due to go the way of her party? Prince Harry - liable to get himself shot. Carol Vorderman - well, if it happened to Richard Whiteley... Sir David Attenborough - already quite ancient, believed to be globetrotting once again in pursuit of dangerous animals. President Musharraf of Pakistan - survived several assassination attempts, so far... Kylie Minogue - you can never be sure with cancer, tragic but true. Robert Mugabe - well, we can but hope. Osama bin Laden - will they finally get him? No, probably not I suppose, forget I mentioned him. Know it's a long list and some of these have been discussed a lot already, apologies if this pisses anyone off. None are racing certs, but worth a punt surely? Hope I'm wrong about some though, especially Hawking and Attenborough.