The Pooka

and from this link I quote: Recently I heard that Charlie Drake has also been admitted into Brisnworth House. He has had a stroke and gone blind. Wonder if he ever bumps in to Richard. submitted by D. Head A pseudonym by any chance? Are you and Twelvetrees identical (and stylish) twins, or is that a pseudonym of yours? No. I saw that twelvetrees had adopted the avatar that I have, from time to time, made my own over the last couple of years. He also appears to share an interest in Peter Hammill, whom I once saw live, and assorted literary and musical figures who have hit the spot with The Pooka. Clearly a fine young man. A close analysis of our literary styles will demonstrate that we are not the same person. Twelvetrees is an aficionado of the paranomasia and is attracted to gerunds. Call me old-fashioned but I am a synecdoche man (with a hankering for neo-Conradian excess).

and from this link I quote: Recently I heard that Charlie Drake has also been admitted into Brisnworth House. He has had a stroke and gone blind. Wonder if he ever bumps in to Richard. submitted by D. Head A pseudonym by any chance?

Thank you Theo. A fabulous insight into the lives of the once 'sort-of' famous. you couldn't make up that image of Charlie Drake reinventing himself as an award-winning straight actor in plays by Pinter, Beckett, Dostoevsky and Shakespeare. Famously difficult to work with, it is said he now insists on being called Charles and 'sits in the bar, looking like a cross, ancient baby, and glowers at us all Someone offer him a run in panto........ Tessa gets a mention too.

No. Pissed as a handcart. Good. It was an inspiring ad lib.

'People are people so why should it be That you and I get along so aw-ful-eeeee' To think that people now take Depeche Mode seriously! Brinsworth - were you entirley sober when you wrote that doggerel?

I think that these visits are unlikely. Since an unfortunate misunderstanding involving my discovery in a hydrangea bush in La Wyatt's garden in 2002 she has not set foot outdoors ........... well not while I've been watching.

TF, thank you. I was seriously considering selling my soul to the devil & buying the Daily Wail, but you've saved my soul - this time. Well obviously Dicky O looks older, but yep, I agree he appears to look alright. Alan Freeman, however, looks absolutey shocking. Of course, he looks older than the B & w picture, but he was looking well not all that long ago Surely the boy Fluff is third from the left. It looks more like him.

I am intrigued. To the newsagent........ I don't care who sees me - I must have a Sunday Mail

Brandy - I am afraid that Dickie is playing Scrabble with Charlie Drake for the foreseeable future. He has asked me to deputise for him in any shenanigans involving girls half his age. I wonder if , by any chance, whether your real name might be Tessa.

I would imagine in brinsworth that only UK Gold is allowed on the telly. He's probably watching re-runs of those classics we all know and love. A bowl of natchos in one hand leaving the other free for wistful reflections on a certain blonde actress. Unfortunately an injunction forbids me mentioning her name following an incident in which she found me lying, entirely innocently, on her conservatory roof.

Well it is good to see Millwall has returned. I am a little disappointed that he didn't force entry (two libellous gags deleted).

A heavy-drinking friend woke in the early hours and got into the wardrobe for a pee. Not too unusual I've done it myself. He came around enough while pissing to wonder where he was and struggled around the wardrobe until it fell over with its doors facing down. Unaware where he was he lay covered in piss and screaming. His wife had to rouse the neighbours and get them in so that they could lift the wardrobe enough to free the poor fellow. His wife later left him and he died of alcoholism two years ago. That'll teach him.

No that's not possible. I was watching her apartment throughout the weekend assured by a mutual friend that she spent the weekend with family.

Of course one doesn't wish to be cynical But I'm wondering if the little sod really went there. Millwall, have you been on the piss all weekend.

Is hearing nothing like the sound of one hand clapping? And would Helen Keller make a noise if she fell in a wood?

She had a psychiatric history of her own. She is now, apparently, back at the old Sutcliffe place and available for the odd drive-by snapshot (if this is to be believed). http://www.bernardomahoney.com/forthcb/pdt...es/rtthoe.shtml So get weaving Vinegar tits we expect to see the pic posted soon. She sued Private Eye for libel and got £600,000 which led to Ian Hislop's 'If that's justice I'm a banana' remark. It was subsequently reduced to only £60,000 - so poor old Sonia must be on her uppers.

Very worrying. Millwall was always a little unconventional and, at times, could be fractious and unrestarined. Nevertheless, he doesn't deserve the fate that has obviously befallen him at the hands of the Brinsworth committee. A prayer may be in order. I shall compose one.

No news from Millwall yet. I am beginning to fear the worst. As I write the poor lad is probably being restrained by Fluff Freeman and some non-entities with Equity cards while Charlie Drake sits on his face. We should never have encouraged him. I am happy to form a rescue posse should we hear nothing by tomorrow.

Apologies - that advice was for Millwall, Brinsworth having already been excluded from Twickenham for previous infractions.

'Mass in F Minor' by the Electric Prunes should carry the appropriate balance of gravitas and the ridiculous

Carefully and without getting arrested is the only advice I can give, otherwise you may end up with a restraining order like Tessa Wyatt slapped on the Pooka, lol. Best of luck for tomorrow. I hope you unearth some worthy news for all us Dicky O fans. Good luck Brinsworth. My only tips are: 1. Avoid use of the drainipes 2. When asked to leave do so 3. Once apprehended proposals of marriage are unlikely to be effective 4. On your big day in court feign insanity

BHB, can you source these suggestions, like, tell us any more? Erm, no, not at the moment. I'm still sulking about being slurred with the accusation that I am Bennet Cerf, which has totally ruined my Bank Holiday weekend. It's always the little things, isn't it? I'm not sure that a slur like that can be considered a little thing. This conversation has now turned into an opinion? Is the expression of opinions another thing forbidden on this list?

BHB, can you source these suggestions, like, tell us any more? Erm, no, not at the moment. I'm still sulking about being slurred with the accusation that I am Bennet Cerf, which has totally ruined my Bank Holiday weekend. It's always the little things, isn't it? I'm not sure that a slur like that can be considered a little thing.

Steve Peregrine Took was another who didn't exactly sing for his supper.

An acquaintance of mine plays the organ at the crem. Sometimes he only has to put a tape on. One day he had the task of selecting the right song from a compilation of songs that saw us through the war and then pressing 'Play'. The aim was that the departed would disappear to the tune of 'Blue Birds over the White Cliffs of Dover'. However he cocked it up and while half of those gathered pissed themselves and half wept, the coffin disappeared to a raucous rendition of 'Roll out the Barrel'.