Perfect Passing

Due to the storyline dragging on forever........... How about Hayley Cropper who resides on Coronation Street? Low hanging fruit! Colourful past for an obit! (She used to be a man called Harold). I haven't read the double issue TV guides for Xmas, so I don't know if she'll finally drop at Xmas or the New Year!!

Dear all, Please accept without obligation...express or implied... these best wishes for an environmentally safe...socially responsible... low stress...non addictive...and gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday as practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice ...(but with respect for the religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others...or for their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all) and further for a fiscally successful...personally fulfilling... and medically uncomplicated onset of the generally accepted calendar year ...(including... but not limited to... the Christian calendar...but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures). The preceding wishes are extended without regard to the race...creed...colour...age...physical ability...religious faith...choice of computer platform...or s*xual preference of the wishee(s). Very best regards, Perfect Passing If offence is given in any of the above, by error or omission, you can go and f**k yourself!!

After Madiba's demise, I was convinced that we had had our lot, funny how death can make a right prat outa ya! So, this time I think former First Lady Mrs Reagan will do the decent thing and give us a strong finish to 2013.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

Manchester United crisis deepens as glory supporters put in transfer request After a week he would rather forget, Manchester United boss, David Moyes, will be feeling more pressure this morning following rumours the club’s glory supporters have put in a transfer request. The fans, many of whom joined the club after the treble winning season in 1999 seem to have taken the same route as striker Robin Van Persie and are looking for a move away from Old Trafford at the first sign of mediocrity. “I’ve supported the team for every single year of my life, since ’99, and have been to Old Trafford on at least three separate occasions” glory supporter, Bill Treadwell told us. “If I had wanted to support a team that loses two home games in a row and is outside of the top four, then I wouldn’t have moved from Liverpool. I agree with the pundits, things haven’t been the same since we lost Sralex, whatever that was. “So I have been doing a bit of research and talking to my agent and drinking buddy, Gooner Gary, and will make the move to top-of-the-league Arsenal in January. I nearly joined them when they had their ‘invincible year’ so it would be a natural choice.” Like many other of Manchester United’s glory supporters, Bill also sees this as an opportunity to save a bit of money. Although the average ticket price is more expensive at the Emirates, the stadium being round the corner from where he lives will save him a fortune in train fare. The sudden drop of match-day commuters from south to north will force the government to rethink the viability of the London to Manchester HS2. The transfer request from United’s glory supporters is another blow to David Moyes who successfully made the move from Everton to United in the summer whilst regaining his mid-table position in the league. Speaking in front of the Sir Alex Ferguson stand, Moyes said: “I know it’s tough for them, but I promise one day, because of the job I will do at this club there will be a stand named after me. “And the fans will get to see it every time we play at Manchester City.”

Yeah, well I guess running that chain of greeting card retailers into the ground, would not of helped one bit!!

Not the best of draws for England, I am looking forward to their third match in the group stage, it could be a classic against Costa Coffee!

Do you see what you did there Maryport?...........You single handedly encouraged him to be a 2013 hit. There was no way he was going to be low hanging fruit for the DL in 2014, after your comment. Any chance of goedin No: 50 Ian Brady?

The last six months have be so disappointing, I don't think DL has another one in her! To quote Porky Pig............."That's all folks!"

Please tell me, how is Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch getting on? True rappers in a very big white sense! Do you miss 80's white rap also?

RIP Mr Mandela

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?' Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.' 'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?' Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.' 'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.' The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?' Johnny said, "Well, I walked past Mum and Dad's bedroom the other night., Mum had her legs up in the air and she was saying: 'Oh God! I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I reckon we'd have lost her!!!"

Yipppeeeee................There's a storm coming.............Batten down the hatches!..........Stock up on provisions!......... Oh and by the way...............Most train services will be suspended until 9.00am! Storm in a tea cup.....me thinks!

Morris Schwartz is dying and is on his deathbed. He is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses." "Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza ." "Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center ." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown" The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property. Sarah replies, "Property....he has a milk run."

Denis Healey.....although I'm not confident about his bushy eyebrows, they seem to have a life of their own.

I suspect the Madiba is waiting for his invite to the Royal Premier of his new biopic 'the long walk to freedom' http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-24479342 He's just got to hang on in there until December 5th

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants...... After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: "I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a PorscheTurbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches. Just send the wine back"!!!

Following the birth of 14 baby pandas in China, the world's news teams are now on red alert at Edinburgh Zoo ahead of the (possible) arrival of Tian Tian's cubs. And it all seems very familiar... http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2013/09/26/edinburgh-panda-royal-baby-spoof_n_3996177.html

Ah... those were indeed the days! Nothing more satisfying than driving over a row of orange blobs! 4 other things you must have done in the GTA series. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/technology/video-games/10312274/Grand-Theft-Auto-Five-things-were-all-guilty-of-doing.html

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. "Could you taste this for me, please ?" The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it. "Does that taste sweet to you ?" says Paddy. "No, not at all," says the chemist. "Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

Just purchased the only game I have ever paid full whack for, Grand Theft Auto 5 @ £39.99! I usually wait until the game I want drops to around £20.00 quid, but I guess I got caught up in all the hype around it's release. A real gem of a game though and good value considering that it will take me yonks to complete it as I am usually a slow gamer.

There was a brothel at the top of a hill, with a large red light at the bottom of the hill.. There were four men .. One was walking briskly up the hill. One was inside the brothel. One was walking slowly down the hill and the fourth man was sitting in his car at the bottom of the hill. What were the nationalities of the four men? * The man going up the hill: was rushin * The man in the brothel: him-a-layin * The man walking down the hill: was finish Now wait for it * The man in the car at the bottom was Irish, and he was waiting for the light to turn green!

If appears that Tian Tian's pregnancy dates may be a little out! "If Tian Tian is to give birth, it may happen two weeks later than previously thought, experts at Edinburgh Zoo have said." Sounds to me like their clutching at bamboo shoots! http://www.scotsman....ssing-1-3083391

A new film about Madiba has had it's premier at the Toronto Film Festival. "Early scenes in Justin Chadwick's film show Mandela as a womaniser who was violent to his first wife Evelyn." The first of many I suspect, to dissect the great man's life and work. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-24010839

Robert Robson, artistic director of The Lowry arts centre in Salford, has died at the age of 58. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-24006191