Perfect Passing

Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?" asked the wife. "No," I said. She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note. "Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked. "No," I said. She gave me another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note. "Now," she said, "have you ever seen £30,000 all crumpled up?" "No," I said, intrigued. "Well just go and look in the garage"!

1992 – Frankie Howerd, English comedian and actor (b. 1917). "Oooh, no missus"

Hillsborough justice campaigner Anne Williams dies at 60. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-merseyside-22196415

I'll bet he has dimples in his balls. Yeah! And a tungsten carbide shaft!!

A punter was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt. He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race. Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses. The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race. He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next. He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning. The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on . True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of theday. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The punter knew he had a winner and bet every penny he owned on the old nag. He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was. Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every penny of my savings!' The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

Willie Whitelaw. http://en.wikipedia....scount_Whitelaw Thanks Doc for the link, Lord Howe is the other ex deputy PM to keep an eye on then, although he didn't look too bad on all the Thatcher eulogies this week, I thought.

Actor & comedian Jonathan Winters dies at the age of 87. Apparently he starred in 'Mork & Mindy' as an Alien baby! I vaguely remember him, as I was only a nipper myself when the show first aired in the UK

John Major has a while to go yet, I suspect. May be our attention could be served on Ex Deputy Prime Ministers: Heseltine (Age), Prescott (Poor Diet), Clegg (er... Hated by Students)! Did Mrs T have a Deputy? I can't imagine the power obsessed mother of all female prime ministers sharing any such role.

A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God She asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" (You'll love this) God replied: "Shit! I didn't recognize you."

Wait till the queen pegs t..... Diana must have been close? Eta, I don't think this is devisive, 90 % wish her in hell up here......the rest are churchgoers....( no Tories) The thing I find astonishing is that nobody has a truly neutral opinion of her at all, that was my devisive point, you either loved her or absolutely detested her. I reckon her Maj & Di do/did have a fair few people who just don't give a toss, but with Mrs T, views expressed here and around the country are poles apart!

I am struggling to think of any other human being alive or dead that have been more devisive than Mrs T. This thread alone is testament to this. WOW!

Ever wondered what the difference between Granny and Grandad is? A 5 year old Grandaughter is usually taken to her school, daily, by her Grandfather. When he had a bad cold, his wife took the Grandchild. That night she told her parents that the ride to school with Granny was very different! "What made it different?" asked her parents: "Well, Gran and I.... didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dickhead, stupid prick or w***er anywhere on the way to school today!"

Doris Day, All Day For Me!

Register being read on the first day back at a school in Birmingham. The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:- "Mustafa Al Eih Zeri?" "Here" "Ahmed El Kabul?" "Here" "Fatima Al Hayek? " "Here" "Ali Abdul Olmi?" "Here" "Mohammed Bin Kadir?" "Here" "Ali Son al En" - silence in the classroom. "Ali Son al En" - continued silence as everyone looked around the room. The teacher repeated the call. A girl stood up and said, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me. It's pronounced Alison Allen.

Get in there Jones'y!!!! & the very best of British to ya girl!

Sort of half almost true but not quite right Tempus. As you know Tom, er, I mean SEAN Connery had his kidney tumor deal to deal with recently and we the people are not yet sure whether or not he will ever really truly recover from this. You see, once something starts to go wrong with the kidney(s) it is essentially a death sentence. Add you to this that he is also well past 70 now aNd if memory serves correctly he is now past 75 which I believe on many actuarial tables is shown as beyond the expected life span of men. Other than that, I must admit this particulare thread was an utter waste and belonged itself in the possible croakers for 2007. What galls me even more however is that Corporal Smudge (I demotted him) made this their initial (and as of now, ONLY, post). I believe the moderators/admions shoiuld install a system where there is a 10 post minimun before one can start a new topic. I agree about the minimum '10 posts before starting a thread' scenario, Col. Smudge should really be earning his stripes on DL before waving his rifle about, firing threads at us all, who are toiling away in the Death List jungle. As for the kidney's comment, I had a kidney stone a few years ago and I was in f**king agony, I remember at one point wishing death upon me, just for some bloody pain relief! I've made a full recovery now, so may be I have escaped the 'grip of death' that kidney trouble brings, I wonder if it's because I asked the big man to bring it on and he just bottled and moved onto someone else.

Nancy's daughter Patti Davis has just released her first novel about a lesbian love story, although it's "not based upon her own personal experiences". If Mrs R gets to read a copy, that could send her old ticker into overdrive!! http://www.advocate.com/arts-entertainment/books/2013/03/23/patti-davis-reagans-daughter-publishes-lesbian-novel

It reminds me of the Old Man Thomas Parr who probably didn't live to be 152 or did he? Given that nobody has ever bene verified to live longer than 122, and no man has ever been verified to have lived longer than 115, what are the odds that some random guy lived to be 154? Must have been a freak of nature! I thought it was possible that the Saudia Man in the article could have lived to 154 years old, until I read the bit about his 10 wives that have all died and now I think 'what aload of clap-trap'!!! No man could go that long and sustain that much grief from so many better halves.

Papal Francis the 1st, either die or resign, our Davey Jones' Locker is on your case! (See Pope Benedict XVI thread) Good work DJL, I knew when the conclave met yesterday that it would'nt be long before your Catholic Church knowledge kicked into overdrive. Do you live in the Vatican or what?

I wonder if the three Falkland Islanders that voted against British Rule now think the Winds of Change are about to blow!

Jeeezz, that clip is the 1st time I have ever seen a young Keith Richards, I just assumed that he had always looked old, what with all the sex, drugs & rock 'n' roll.

Gone for Former First Lady Nancy Reagan, a gut feeling, nothing more!

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Looks as though Arsene Wenger might be looking to sign Oscar Pistorious in the summer transfer window. After reports claimed he had more shots on target in 9 seconds than Arsenal did in 90 minutes against Bayern Munich.