Brinsworth House Baiter

I see...so it's a whoa you be a-wantin' eh? Now about this suicide thing-a-ma-jig...would y'all be so kind as to demonstrate it on yo' lil ole self first? Ahd be ever so grateful... after all ah wou'nt be a-wantin' ta git it all wro-ong. It would appear that sweety honey was so beside him/herself that after quoting Bruno's post he/she completely forgot to rant. Godot- as I remember, Julie Andrews had a fair set of norks on her at the time of making that film. Don't suppose they're much cop now though.

I was enjoying that! I'm a little intrigued as to how you managed to wake up with your "supplies" still in your possession. Whenever I got into that state I was usually surrounded by empty bottles, not a fag in sight and my credit card missing. Great story, BHB. It's a pity you don't remember much about it as it would have made a fine screenplay. Back in those days I had a wonderful coat; long, warm and fairly waterproof, but the best thing about it was the amount of pockets concealed about it- especially the inside. At times I could consider myself fag or potless and then rifle through that coat in the same away you can a sofa and find all manner of illegal substances and cash. During times of poverty, I am ashamed to admit, that it was ideal for shoplifting and, on a good day, you could get half a convenience store inside all those pockets and still not look overweight or pregnant. It really was a magical coat and excruciatingly amusing to see policemen trying to search through it whilst listing your possessions during the booking in ceremonies at the nick. God only knows what happened to it, but I like to think that it's still keeping some lucky bastard warm and dry. Anyway, the long and short of it is that that coat made it nigh on impossible to lose anything, unless I lost the coat of course, which eventually happened. As to how I had a bottle of vodka about my person I have no idea, although I can well imagine some house owner regretting their decision to invite me back and bribing me with it to leave. Ditto the fags, although I have always been anal about making sure I have enough smoke, no matter what state I get into. It's a chilly day in Hell if BHB ends up without a smoke. Oh, and thank you for the signature change, Bou, you rogue editor you. I like it. I shall keep it, for I am the King of the Crows and I can do anything! I have to go now...the birds are calling...

I genuinely did once think I had lost my mind. After a considerable drink and drugs binge (back in the days when I succumbed to such decadent behaviour) I once woke up in the middle of the afternoon in what can only be described as a straw and mud littered hut in the middle of a field which, upon looking out the entrance, also appeared to be in the middle of nowhere. I had about my person a three quarters full litre bottle of vodka, the best part of forty fags and my trusty tin of, ahem, magical tricks. I spent two-three days in that hut in varying stages of hallucinogenic delirium and during this period I became convinced that I could converse with crows and, more importantly, they could converse with me. I was the King of Crows and I was sending them off to do my bidding to further our empire. It sounds bizarre now, but at the time I was convinced it was happening. My reign ended when a couple of mates who had been looking for me, on and off during this period, heard me loudly addressing my subjects from my ramshackle shelter- had I bothered to walk around to the back of the hut I would have noticed the quiet little road some fifty yards in the distance. Anyway, to cut a long story short they carried me back to the girl I was living with at the time and thus began a week of sweaty come down that I would not wish on anyone. And then she finished with me which, looking back, was fair enough really I 'spose. She's have made a rubbish queen anyway. I've been all right since, although sometimes I do spot a crow regarding me in a certain way and I find myself wondering whether it recognises my true status...

MPFC wrote: With pictures or video footage please....

For a second there, when I scrolled up through and saw all those open shirted pics, I thought someone had spent last night posting pics of myself onto the forum. I see now that I was mistaken and that the epitome of masculinity, on closer inspection, is in fact my stunt double, Mister Depp.

It is his band, but I believe that it's still possible for him to be sacked. Much in the same way that The Battered Ornaments sacked Pete Brown the night before they were due to support The Rolling Stones in Hyde Park. The Battered Ornaments were Pete Brown's band, but they sacked him all the same The Battered Ornaments? Now that's a band name that's somehow managed to slip under my radar all these years- strange, considering I love the Stones, but then not so strange when you consider that I did not see them at Hyde Park. The Battered Ornaments- I love that name! I take your point though, Phantom, but I'd have thought that if Babyshambles sacked Pete Doherty then they might as well queue up to sign on the scratch the next day, as let's face it, the band's fairly mediocre with Doherty in it- so F**k knows how dire they'd be in his absence.

Although, technically, isn't Babyshambles his band, as against the Libertines being a 'consortium'?

Happy Birthday, our Lady!

The Sun's headline headline today made me smile: SWANKER I quite agree actually, after having the misfortune of seeing his release via live feed on Sky News yesterday morning. Leaving jail in a fleet of swanky limos after crippling someone for life by being a twattish show off is hardly conducive to feeling remorseless. A staggering lack of sensitivity I would say. I used to quite like the guy when he was boxing, thinking that his arrogance was all part of the act. However, it would seem that he is actually also a cocky, arrogant tosser in real life too. Not that I'd tell him that to his face, you understand. Not that I'm concerned about being punched to the face or anything, but the possibility of being mown down by a Merc limo ten minutes later would be a worry.

Yes, very artistic and erm, moving. It would also appear, looking at the state of his white shorts, that he soiled himself shortly before collapsing...

I made a point along the same lines yesterday, MPFC. It'll happen, won't it? Somebody will make a grainy copy and stick it up on the Interweb. And it'll be just like passing a car crash and we'll all click on the provided link.... I read that the cameraman stopped filming just after Irwin lost consciousness, but despite this complete lack of professionalism the video will be worth a pretty penny to someone.

Oh, come on, don't tease- which one was it and why was she there? Pray divulge, otherwise I'll never get to sleep tonight... I'm guessing it was Sporty, although I have no idea why. Spot on it was indeed Sporty. Her grandmother was best friend'd my aunty and they used to babysit her from time to time. This was about a year before she was Sporty Spice though, so I guess it doesn't count. Wahey! I feel absurdly proud of myself for guessing correctly and have just spent the last few minutes walking around the living room with my chest puffed out saying 'medal! medal' in my best Muttley voice. And they used to babysit her? I take it they have since resisted the urge to sell any revelatory stories to the press concerning her tantrum throwing and bed wetting antics? Highly commendable. I've always had Sporty Spice down as a chronic bed wetter. I wish I hadn't written that now as the image is going to be a tough one to shake off.

Usually I can clearly see the death age of all canidates, I can't seem to decide with Hofmann. He shall not live beyond 102 years of age. Are you Iain in diguise?

? - Maryportfuncity i'll lay it down and say there is no competetion going on here. It wasn't that a couple of weeks ago Banshees. I've sustained my normal posting rate whereas yours has increased dramatically. Your right Windsor, a couple weeks ago I tried to pass Maryportfuncity, and I did. If I really wanted to I could pass him just like that, but it doesn't really make a difference. Does this also translate as 'ner ner ner ner ner!' ? If the Dicky O thread is the DL common room has this thread become the creche?

Found this on another forum, thought I'd share it: BBC DENIAL

Nope, I have to say that I much preferred the previous size. We can't see in MPFC's windows now....

Despite his profession and its obvious risks, this did actually come as quite a shock this morning when I heard. My son, bless him, is absolutely distraught which surprised me somewhat, but I'm betting he'll cheer up immensely when and if he gets to see the inevitable leaked footage of the death on the 'Net. Only eleven, but already developing a healthy fascination with death. And so, I can scrub 'go to Australia Zoo and watch Steve Irwin feed crocs' off my things to do before I'm 40 list. Which is handy, because in all honesty I doubt if I could go that long on a plane without a fag.

Okay, now I know I'm some sort of Jonah. About a month ago I accompanied my wife to Hobbycraft (she was after some ribbons for something) and for some reason I was lured by the Airfix section. For some unknown reason I decided to buy a Challenger Tank to build in the back garden while the sun was out. Did it too, my first ever model, although I couldn't get the tracks quite right and if you push it along the 'wheels' inside start bulging and look as if they're going to pop out. And now look what's happened- Airfix have gone into administration and the sun has f**ked off. Jonah, I tell thee, that's what I am.

Oh, come on, don't tease- which one was it and why was she there? Pray divulge, otherwise I'll never get to sleep tonight... I'm guessing it was Sporty, although I have no idea why.

Happy Birthday, Captain Oates! I trust you are spending the day imbibing in vast amounts of alcohol, with the Bank Holiday tomorrow set aside for resting your old head into the cool pillows with a stinking hangover. Birthdays, great aren't they?

An evening trying to fight your way out of soggy paper bags with Banshees? So random, but you will not get thy last word. This contest to me sounds very obvious and the winner in a situation like this just might be the loser. BHB your suggestion makes me sick. Hand me your little friends hat, I need something to vomit in. Obviously, being a gentleman, I would hand it to you, but unfortunately my little friend has just 'lost it' and hurled the f****r in the direction of your head in the style of Oddjob from the James Bond Film Goldfinger. Being a gentleman and Bubbly BHB's owner, I hope this doesn't cause you any lasting damage- albeit a direct hit resulting in a good 'twatting' about your ears would make us both smile. Well it wasn't a direct hit, his aim was off but close. BHB I think it's time you put your little friend to bed, he has refilled his champagne glass one to many times and he is now wearing the hat I vomited in. If he refuses to go sleep it off, he will have to spend the night in jail with other bubbly criminals. We have both been drinking since your last post, BS and I commend your feeble attempt to bring this back onto topic. However, me and little Bubbly BHB will kick your ass tomorrow....

An evening trying to fight your way out of soggy paper bags with Banshees? So random, but you will not get thy last word. This contest to me sounds very obvious and the winner in a situation like this just might be the loser. BHB your suggestion makes me sick. Hand me your little friends hat, I need something to vomit in. Obviously, being a gentleman, I would hand it to you, but unfortunately my little friend has just 'lost it' and hurled the f****r in the direction of your head in the style of Oddjob from the James Bond Film Goldfinger. Being a gentleman and Bubbly BHB's owner, I hope this doesn't cause you any lasting damage- albeit a direct hit resulting in a good 'twatting' about your ears would make us both smile.

An evening trying to fight your way out of soggy paper bags with Banshees?

And holding aloft a glass of champers- historically the tipple of 'bad men.' I think. I've seen photos of Doug Ellis drinking it anyway. Brinsworth House Baiter not that your avatar is of any threat, but sometimes I feel like kicking him to the stars, watching his hat go flurrying and having his champagne lifelessly hit the ground. And he won't even take his black hat off to do it. Really? I guess I won't feel sorry once I accidentally step on him. Ha! We know you're worried now, because you had to edit my quoted posts to make me look like the pugnacious party. Or something. But hey, everyone! It was Banshees who started on my avatar- Bubbly BHB- the evidence is above unless he/she and the rogue editor adjust that too. It's a conspiracy, but I'm backing Bubbly BHB to the hilt. You step on him and I'll step on your....um...hospital graph/ zoom close up of what a minty Aero Bar actually looks like or whatever that sh*t your avatar is, Banshees! So there! <Grrr!> Back, Bubbly BHB, back!

And holding aloft a glass of champers- historically the tipple of 'bad men.' I think. I've seen photos of Doug Ellis drinking it anyway. Brinsworth House Baiter not that your avatar is of any threat, but sometimes I feel like kicking him to the stars, watching his hat go flurrying and having his champagne lifelessly hit the ground. Well, that's nice! And pray, what has my partying, alcoholic Mister Man done to irk you? Oh, and he is a threat- I'll have you know he's a F*****g psychopath. Upset him anymore and he'll go all Begbie on you with that champagne glass. And he won't even take his black hat off to do it.