Brinsworth House Baiter

Come back safe and soon, mate- just don't come back as orange as your avatar, okay?

Just had to look that up, I'm not surprised you don't want to get drunk then, certainly if my drinking experiences are anything to go by! I hope it doesn't affect other areas of your life as much as it seems to with some sufferers. Missing out on the wonders of piss-artistry is not necessarily a bad thing, just ask my liver. Not that it says much these days, I think it still suffers from post-traumatic stress due to having being overworked for my entire twenties. Well, certainly makes up for your having not done any work since your twenties. I would try and help you, by explaining you discovered DL after that, but your profile pic (the one with you, the massive finger and the medieval forged farmyard dart board behind you) clearly shows that a decade's been missed, somewhere along the line.

Thanks for your sympathy, Mary. I don't know whether to laugh, cry, slit my wrists at your comparing the once mighty Villa to Carlisle. Thanks, mate. You've made it all so much more clearer to me now. Bastard.

Apologies for the tardiness of my reply, Octopus, but I have been crying into my beer of late. Not due to the Irish twat leaving, because lord knows every Holtender had had enough of him, but because of the general malaise and decline of the club simply will not cease until Doug Ellis also goes. Or dies. Oh well, Doug's done it again and found himself a smokescreen. Now we can all spend the rest of the close season wondering whose head will be next on the managerial chopping block and before we know it, it'll be the start of the season and half of last season's squad will have been sold, there'll be no new signings, we'll have a new 'yes man' installed as manager and the whole F*****g merry go round will start again. Sorry to waffle on, but it is a subject dear to my heart. I just have one last thing to say: F**k OFF ELLIS! GO THROUGH THAT EXIT WITH O'LEARY! Not that that he can hear me of course- the old bastard has probably rushed back to his sunbed in Majorca with a hard-on now he's despatched another manager.

Well resuced BHB, I was veering towards topic relevancy for a moment. I too have some Buffy box sets. Far from needing to speculate, I'm desperately trying to think of anything else. I presume the use of phrase 'crack open' was purposeful, presumably to enhance the unpleasantness of any speculations by your fellow DL'ers? Darn, you sussed me!

Between us we're not exactly doing much for Bridgewaters' tourism trade, are we? I think it's fairly safe to say that if any DListers were contemplating the place for this summer's holiday they have now reconsidered. Wise move. Taunton's not too far away, so you could all go and say hi to Six instead.

Married your cousin did you? Male or female? Both. Caused quite a stir on the honeymoon.

Six wrote: All the kids in Taunton are probably still perturbed by the sight of a fully grown woman lurching around claiming to be six years of age and waving a fluttering Grim Reaper above her head. Think of all the complexes and issues you've caused them- festering away for years in their in their sub-conscious, only to rear their ugly heads in later years. As if they haven't got enough to worry about, what with possessing six toes and having to marry their cousins when they're older. I lived in Bridgewater for a while, so I know what I'm talking about, lol.

TLC wrote: Maybe there comes a time when you have to ask yourself whether you've been watching your Rambo DVD boxset too much, TLC. It happens to the best of us. At the time of writing I am very close to losing my driving licence as a result of painting my Nissan red and sticking a white stripe down it and performing doughnuts in the High Street. I feel the urge whenever I crack open my Starsky & Hutch season one. And as for what happens when I crack open my Buffy boxsets is best left to speculation...

Ah-hah! Is it those guys who won Eurovision, Lordi, without all their gear on?

Is it the cast of the little known 1971 bongo flick 'Back Door Entry Gangbang Over the Piano?' I only ask because my Uncle Ernie was in it and the long haired bloke with the stripey t-shirt on the left waiting for his turn looks a bit like him.

Your Pimp Name Is... Uncle Dogg What's Your Pimp Name? http://www.blogthings.com/pimpnamegenerator/ Uncle Dogg! I kinda like it, but I might drop the Uncle part so as not to sound too much like a dirty old man. Dogg retains just the right amount of cool without the Sid James annotations.

Have just ploughed through all of this and I think it is quite possibly the funniest thing I've ever read! Oh, Iain, what have you been doing, lol? I clicked on a load of those provided links and there's some wonderful stuff there. This, however, is my favourite: Classic. Simply classic.

It's Sophie Ellis BEXTOR and - frankly - she needs all the help she can get these days. Last time I looked you could buy both her albums second hand on Amazon for 1 penny each. I'll take your word for it, concerning the mis-spelled surname. You know, Mary, this is the second time in four months that you have corrected a joke which I have posted and it strikes me that this online heckling is knocking my confidence somewhat. Which is a shame because I have now cancelled my debut performance at Jongleurs, so you have deprived the world of another stand up comedian who can't tell jokes. Which is probably a good thing. I shall take up stripping instead.

The Pooka might be interested to learn that the Mail on Sunday article said that Dicky O is regularly visited by one Tessa Wyatt. Although I hope this information does not encourage The Pooka in any way to violate the court orders and injunctions that are imposed.

Sincerest condolences, MH. I read somewhere once, something along the lines of grief subsiding with time but sweet memories lasting forever. I wish it true for you.

Zinedine's in more trouble. I can't find a link, but Sophie Ellis Baxtor has been found dead in his French apartment. A Gendarme spokesman last night said, 'Oui, it was murder on Zidane's floor.'

Handrejka wrote: I need to know... how gratuitous is your local paper and where exactly was his face attached to the blonde?

Yep, this is indeed a shame. Another musical legend departs. I wonder if any of the re-releases (bound to be, aren't there?) will make a significant dent in the top ten? Make a nice change to have some quality nestled amongst the kid's crap of today. My god, I really am turning into my dad. This is a situation I really must address.

Thanks, Wins. At BHB Towers we all stood in front of the telly with arms around shoulders and when that smirking, greasy twat stepped up we were all praying he'd sky it. But, alas, the gifted C**t smacked it home. My way of dealing with it was to go out to the garden shed and arm myself with a saw, nails and a hammer and fix the fence. Which was not the brightest idea after spending the day on alcohol (I started at 11 in Tescos where they were giving out free samples of Quinns- a lady's drink, the fat woman told me, but I replied that I was in touch with my feminine side so hand those freebies over.). It has taken me about a quarter of an hour to type this, due to my lack of unbruised, uncut fingers. I hope that granny prozzie bothering ugly gap toothed C**t never pulls on an England shirt again. What a prick. But, as gutted as I am, the sight of Beckham blubbing on the bench like a man whose had his porn surfing history presented to the board was a joy to behold. I hope we've seen the last of him in an' all, along with that Swedish tosser. Oh well, at least I can look forward to Aston Villa winning the Premiership and Champion's League next season... Nurse, more drugs please!

DevonDeathTrip wrote: Apart from resulting in all those digital binary numbers running about your face under your cowl. Note for the future- if DDT ever changes his avatar this post will make no sense whatsoever.

Does this make sense to anyone?? It isn't a sentence of any description I'm aware of, and it doesn't seem to fit into this thread at all. Maybe Bruce Willis has heard about this guest looking like him, doesn't like the idea of people called Hubert resembling him and he's put on his white vest, packed some heat and is planning on doing away with said Hubert in 2007. Then it makes sense. Kind of.

That is brilliant, NAP! Funniest thing I've read in a while. Worryingly, I don't reckon it's too far from the truth either.

I'm no expert, Six, but I'm pretty sure that some DVD players allow you to switch between the two. I'm sure my LG did before I broke it. Failing that & I am talking crap, which I'm sure I will be told, why not move to the country which is in the DVD region? That way you get to see your film and take in a change of scenery! Anyway, Six, you know these films that we remember as being good from our childhood rarely strike as such when we watch them as adults. I'm thinking most of the Elvis Presley back catalogue here. Save yourself the inevitable disappointment and buy a Dicky O boxset instead.

I've read two in the past week (well, I need something to do before the football comes on). First up was Danny Wallace's 'Join Me', which is an account about the cult (it's not a cult, it's a collective) he started initially by placing an ad in Loot magazine simply saying Join Me and urging potential joinees to send him passport photos. It grew and grew and he's got a couple of thousand 'joinees' now. The book's about three years old now, but his collective's still going strong and there's a website, which I can't be arsed to post a link to. Anyway, it's a funny book and an amazing tale. I wonder if any DListers are also Joinees? The second was 'Whispers of Betrayal' by Michael Dobbs which is about an ex-soldier with a grudge bringing London to a standstill and forcing the Prime Minister to his knees. Dobbs is an ex-ministerial type and his inside knowledge is very apparent and interesting (especially the Whip's little book in which he records all the minister's extra marital shagging!) In the current light and especially after last July's atrocities it's certainly a book that makes you think and then think again. I'd recommend both of them as light reads. Neither's particularly challenging, but they are fun in their own right. And, hey, fun is all I need 'til the football starts. Next up from the 'to be read' pile is Frank Muir's autobiography 'A Kentish Lad', which promises to be an amusing read. I'll let you know in due course.