Brinsworth House Baiter

Hang on, I have to spend tenners at a time to get like that, yet you seem to have some natural, in-built 'I'm gonna tell it how it f****n' is' reflex. Kudos, Windsor. I'm jealous. Any chance of chucking a bit of your marrow this way and saving me a few quid?

??? Let's read that again... Sorry, Bou, but I can't resist... No, that's right, I can...I have too much respect for you. I'm sorry, I watched too many Carry On films as a kid. Can't help spotting a euphemism a mile off me.

And dogs in the Miners? You half a post reader, you.

I had to read this several times, until I was satisfied that it wasn't a reference to O'Sullivan. It was the seventies reference that momentarily threw me. Anyway, back on topic, I used to drink in a pub whose landlady was the dead spit of Janette Krankie. And Scottish. She barred me twice. Once for smoking a joint that her step-son had just thrust into my accepting fingers; him having seen her come out to collect glasses from the garden and the second time because my dog attacked hers, which I kinda accepted. Anyhow, awful bloody woman, who, most importantly, kept crap beer. Correspondingly, every time I see a pic of Janette Krankie I become overwhelmed by a sinister rage and feel like going on the rampage with my lairy hound. Been meaning to share that ever since I first noticed this thread. Sorry if I've upset our more serious contributors, but it's been marvellous therapy for me. Oi, Mary, do they let dogs* in the Miners or what? *Canine ones, obviously. I've seen the picture of the frontage in another thread and have absolutely no doubt that the other variety are positively encouraged. For hundreds of various, dubious reasons.

Exponential Inverse? Weren't they a progressive rock band, circa 1974? I seem to remember their much maligned concept album, entitled 'I Can Do It Without Alcohol, But It's More Fun With Scrumpy Jack.' Or was it The Wurzels?

No, just a Sun reader. I was momentarily confused and thought you were Heather McCartney

Or her brother, Wayne? No, okay, I'll get my coat... (Did I mention Carling makes me tell crap jokes on the Internet?)

Yep, I'll second that; nice to have you back safe and sound, Bruno (so it's a nom de plume is it? I'd never have guessed, you had me fooled). No gin for a couple of days, eh? I'll have a couple for you. Well, a couple of JD's if it's all the same to you- gin makes me cry like an Oscar winning actress making an acceptance speech.

Come off it, Six, I've seen the photos...

What a post! I got to the first episode of incontinence and was mesmerised by your memoirs, in the way a car crash compels you to look over your shoulder as you pass. And groping the bride AND her mother...that is the stuff of legends. TLC, I tip the brim of my hat in your direction. I also look forward to your biography, 'TLC's Time On Trains.' Seeing as I enjoyed your post so much, I guess it's only fair to share one of my drunken embarrassments. Long story cut short: Woke up in unfamiliar bed with severe headache and previous night's 'conquest' beside me. She was six foot tall and all of twenty stone. I dressed quietly, sneaked to the bedroom door. Opened it and found a room full of people 'chilling' and coming down after the mother of all bashes. Smiled at them in a hopefully aloof manner and sneaked towards the front door. At which point 'Twenty Stone Tessa' appeared in the room behind me, stark bollock naked and announced loudly that I had pissed the bed and was a crap shag. Fortunately I moved to another area soon after.

Nope, you can't say fairer than that. I hope you enjoy your, erm, 'investigating'. I do happen to have very interesting and rare photos of the lady in question in my personal collection, but keep it to yourself...wink wink, nudge nudge...

I am shocked by this attack on the gorgeous ultimate uber-female that is Sarah Michelle Gellar, whom I consider to be the sexiest, most beautiful woman on the planet. Quite shocked. My day is darkened.

Read several posts about your 'tubing' today, BB. My old man had it done a while back and, from his accounts, it didn't sound too pleasant. Here's hoping you get back here safe and sound. After popping a few corks and blowing the froth from a few cold ones, of course.

So, a weekend away and Millwall's still MIA, eh? I don't wish to alarm The Pooka, but maybe Dicky gave Millwall Tessa Wyatt's phone number and they've spent the whole weekend in a B&B together? Millwall; Man About The Guest House.

There's a piece about her in today's Sun, whereby she's denying having anything wrong with her and blaming her ill health on all the horse riding she did in National Velvet. Interestingly, in the same article, she also defends Michael Jackson, saying that she too has been in a bed with him and a load of kids and that it's not abnormal behaviour. That's her off my list of prospective babysitters then...

BHB, can you source these suggestions, like, tell us any more? Erm, no, not at the moment. I'm still sulking about being slurred with the accusation that I am Bennet Cerf, which has totally ruined my Bank Holiday weekend. It's always the little things, isn't it? Don't worry, BHB, I think Deathlist Conspiracy Theories like these may be the result of boredom due to the lack of recent clog-popping. I myself, not even yet a pointless ranter, was suspected of being noneother than the great Tempus Fugit not too long ago. Actually I was sort of flattered, I don't know why. "Bollocks envy", maybe? Nice to see you all registered and legit, Madame. Welcome to the madhouse. In this thread we are eagerly awaiting news of Millwall 32's day out at Brinsworth House. Or subsequent arrest. I for one shall be keeping a close eye on the news today. Oh Brinsy...now we...either seperately in near celebratory style or as one merged Borg type module.. will be callously accusated of being Madame LaForge or whoever. I really cannot afford to enter into yet another persona. You, me, Cecil, Bennett, Madame, Wayland Flowers, Life Begins at..., Molly Malone, Irving Kristol, David Bell, Dix Dickerson, and an entire additional host and hostess laced roster of charter club member characters. NO folks... Brinsworth and I are not, I repeat are not the same person. (I hope my denial fuels more rumours{like the way I used the British spelling of rumours/rumors?}) This is getting, like, mad. I have enough trouble just being myself, without assuming multiple personalities. But then again, Bruno, let's hope denial fuels more rumors. (See, I used the American spelling, just to really get 'em going). If such conspiracy rumors keep them all happy whilst awaiting celebrity death, who are we to deny them their humble pleasures? Anyway, getting back on topic... I do hope Millwall fared well today and that his quest bore fruit. And no, I am not Millwall 32 either, before anyone snaps their fingers and cries 'Eureka!'

Erm, actually that is me in that picture. Despite what it looks like though, that bottle is not actually inserted into my anus.

BHB is BB? Really? Now that I didn't realise. It's like how you hear about people with MPD who have one personality with cancer and another without cancer, and when the personality with cancer is dominant the cancer is present/detectable, and when the personality without cancer is dominant the cancer isn't present/detectable. Except substitute "cancer" with "alcoholic tendencies". And except for that time when BHB posted shedloads of drunken rubbish. Oh dear... Ah-ha! Now a load of other posts in other threads begin to make sense! I haven't read this thread lately, you see. Firstly, it was Godot who invited me and I have never, ever posted under any pseudonym. Secondly, in eternum+...okay, I admit it, I was pissed the other night and my posting was a little, well, not quite up to my hitherto standards, but Christ, it wasn't that bad. (I refer you to the Maccy D thread). Let's move on, shall we and stop carping on about it? Or are you one of those annoying people who go to bars or parties, sees someone making an idiot of themselves after one too many and then never let's them forget about it? Hey, you're not actually my brother-in-law, are you? We all make mistakes, drunken or otherwise and I've admitted mine so moan about something else will you, there's a good chap. Or, just to confuse things, am I actually in eternum+ battling against my alter ego, BHB? Or am I Henry, the janitor? Or am I Elvis?

Kippers, officer, kippers...honest!

Note to Mr BHB: Do not SMOKE and DL Whoops. It's a fair cop, Bou, defin...definet...definit...DEFFO! It's my bogey word that one, always has been, smoke or no smoke. I am now going to stay in all day until I know how to spell it properly. Whilst smoking.

BHB, can you source these suggestions, like, tell us any more? Erm, no, not at the moment. I'm still sulking about being slurred with the accusation that I am Bennet Cerf, which has totally ruined my Bank Holiday weekend. It's always the little things, isn't it? Don't worry, BHB, I think Deathlist Conspiracy Theories like these may be the result of boredom due to the lack of recent clog-popping. I myself, not even yet a pointless ranter, was suspected of being noneother than the great Tempus Fugit not too long ago. Actually I was sort of flattered, I don't know why. "Bollocks envy", maybe? Nice to see you all registered and legit, Madame. Welcome to the madhouse. In this thread we are eagerly awaiting news of Millwall 32's day out at Brinsworth House. Or subsequent arrest. I for one shall be keeping a close eye on the news today.

Booooooooooooo! Two thumbs down. You suck. Huh? Not sure what you're implying, IE. I was referring to the film 'Supersize Me'. Watched that and it made me feel so sick I don't think I could ever eat another one in my life. The details in the film regarding the effects on long term health were alarming, to say the least. So, I try to protect my kids by feeding them healthy food...why the F**k does that make me suck? I was just sick of reading your quasi-waste-of-space myriad drunken posts in all the different threads you posted that night, especially the "Look Ma! I know swear words!"-themed ones. Sorry, I probably should have been more specific. Oh, okay. Sincerest, deepest apologies for having offended your obvious sense of perfection. You have shown me the light and I shall never drink in your sensitive presence again. Nor eat Maccy D's, lest I should now be accused of being off topic. P.S. I've come back and edited this as it's been bothering me, on and off, for most of the day. I've been back and checked and the night in question there was eleven posts from me. Hardly a myriad. And of those, only a couple contain swear words and these are replies to TLC (drunk, bored thread) and Star Crossed who called me a C**t. (Jokingly, I believe, I didn't pick up on any lasting malice.) I went in the Chat Room at some point, I remember that, and I dread to think what I slurred way through in there, but as far as my posts were concerned, I can't really see what's irking you so. Many member's posts leave me cold, but I don't feel the urge to announce on the thread that I think they suck and I've read worse and more offensive drunken posts than mine. If we have a problem, let's sort it out. Otherwise, can we just get back to posting? I mean, I find the majority of your posts fairly vacuous, but I keep it to myself. Oops. Anyway, getting back on topic...I don't like their burgers, how about you?

Carefully and without getting arrested is the only advice I can give, otherwise you may end up with a restraining order like Tessa Wyatt slapped on the Pooka, lol. Best of luck for tomorrow. I hope you unearth some worthy news for all us Dicky O fans.

Booooooooooooo! Two thumbs down. You suck. Huh? Not sure what you're implying, IE. I was referring to the film 'Supersize Me'. Watched that and it made me feel so sick I don't think I could ever eat another one in my life. The details in the film regarding the effects on long term health were alarming, to say the least. So, I try to protect my kids by feeding them healthy food...why the F**k does that make me suck?

Excellent! Thanks Tartarus....this is the funniest thing I've seen in ages! It makes you think though, doesn't it? That's the end of me selling dodgy gear down the local....