Brinsworth House Baiter

Thanks guys. I won't be considering the family confessions whilst flying on morphine angle though. Our family history is bad enough when everyone's lucid, so I'd hate to see what might tumble from the closet under hallucination. My mum's doing well by the way and over the weekend my father very kindly deflected all attention away from her health worries by embarking on a brandy bender and going missing for 24 hours. Which was extremely good and helpful of him. Now he's turned up we're all forming a queue to give him a good slapping. Dysfunctional? The Osbournes have got nothing on my f*****g family you know. Cheers, BHB

So, you're not Catholic then? What was it that gave me away? Cheers, BHB

hahahahaha whatt???? I suspect what actually happened was that he propostioned her and she spurned his amorous advances. Perhaps he even stalked her for a while. She didn't know when they'd meet again but that wasn't good enough for him so he he resorted to stealing her underwear. It was the resulting court injunction that led to his consuming bitterness and the scurrilous falsehood that he only retracted upon his deathbed. Fear not as this does not blemish your grandfather's memory. Succumbing to female celebrity wiles is far from uncommon. Indeed, the DL itself has a member who goes by the pseudonym of The Pooka and is a full time stalker of the one time actress, Tessa Wyatt. Beautiful, sexy women can make the best of us do things which are out of character, as I was forced to admit when the next door neighbour's teenage daughter caught me spying on her that time when I wasn't really using the ladder to clean the guttering. Cheers, BHB

I hope he'd finished the woman who found him's windows. It'd be awful for her to have to find another window cleaner to finish the job off. 'Yeah, love, I think I can squeeze you onto my round. By the way, if you don't mind me asking, what happened to your last window cleaner?' 'Oh, he drowned in his own bucket.' 'Right...' And will his next of kin be popping round next Friday to pick up the money owed on his round? A good spot, To Die For. It's always good to spot a death that you could write a whole stand up comedy routine around. Cheers, BHB

Well, after a sleepless, worry filled night, my dad's just rung to inform me that my mum's come round after an operation on her lungs yesterday afternoon. A bit of pain, but she's got a morphine drip so I'll be up visiting as soon as possible. I'd just like to say that being a member of the DL did actually help a little, by way of enabling me to put some sort of sense of perspective on the whole thing lest the unimaginable happened. There is certainly some value to discussing what we all dread the most, so f**k all the drive by ranters and let's keep doing this therapeutic thing that we do. A morphine drip, how great is that? Almost makes it worth being sliced open and having things cut out. Almost. I think I'll stick with my dealer however... Cheers, BHB

Oh, I don't know, she still does it for me. Would I be unduly disappointing anyone too much if I was to make a gag about the pearl necklace she's sporting in that picture? Or is the pearl necklace due to her resulting gag? I'm sorry. I just can't stop myself sometimes. Cheers, BHB

Oh, you surely haven't fallen for that idiotic rumour, have you? Especially seeing as everyone in the know knows that his real father is Steve McClaren. That's why they gave him the England job, to keep him quiet. Allegedly... Cheers, BHB

Happy Birthday NAP! My inherent laziness prohibits me from producing a funny pic, but I hope you have a good one. Cheers, BHB

Then I take my hat off to him for throwing metaphorical cats about the place if nothing else. I've always admired metaphorical cat throwing, although not nearly as much as literal cat throwing, even during my non-polytechic years. I did see your note about possible Dick action on the Brinsworth House thread, but will wait for actual confirmation before I break out the bunting, flags & demand the event be instilled as a national Bank Holiday. I've had far too many diappointments of late to get overly excited over possible Dick rising. (Are two lame Dick double entendres enough to upset the Windsor's sensibilities or should I go for a third?) Stirling work though, Mary, concerning the possiblity of our favourite Dick possibly making another splash on the hallowed floors of celebritydom. There, three should do it. Cheers, BHB

I've never heard of the bloke, but an interesting article nonetheless. Although I would dispute the fact that Collins would have made that much difference to the longetevity of Dickens' works. Surely he'd been immortalised by the 1950's? I mean, I'd heard of & read him by the late seventies & I didn't need some poncy professor's recommendation. God, how I loathe these upper class intellectuals who think literature is their sole reserve. The bastards. I suspect the only reason some of them didn't lavish acclaim on Dickens was because his work satirised their fat, I'm all right Jack as I step over the common peasants on the way to my club cosy existence & mentality. Did I mention they're bastards? Cheers, BHB

Yep, that all sounds fair enough to me. Cheers, BHB

Mmm. Discussing & joking about people in the public eye- okay. Ditto about little children in the public eye- suddenly not okay. It's an uncomfortable one, I'll give you that, but I can't see why certain mods are getting themselves into such a tizz. Well, actually I can, as they are obviously keen to avoid too much bad publicity and possible legal action etc. But, I don't see any need for warnings to be issued over this. It's all down to personal opinion at the end of the day, which is the main reason why this forum thrives- because most of us hold opinions that are slightly off centre. I personally think the locked thread was very ill advised, but don't see why Dave/Iain should be vilified for it. We all say things we wish we hadn't with the benefit of hindsight. BTW- I have to say that I totally agree with Windsor's post in that thread- I was scratching my head the head the other afternoon when I went to buy the paper, wondering why so many were wearing yellow. A quick look at the front page of the Sun answered that, but it left me puzzled over people's mentality. What possible difference would it make & like the girl's parents were going to give a sh*t what colour The Sun readers were wearing. Personally I blame Diana's death & the resulting hype & wailing. Still, needless to say, I really hope the little girl is found safe & well. Every parent's worse nightmare, although I still can't get past the fact that they left their kids alone while they went for a meal. It's obviously a side issue at the moment, with people not wishing to be branded heartless for commenting, but I still find it unbelievable. It's like me leaving my kids alone while I nip across the road for a pint. I'd be condemned for it, but then I'm not middle class I suppose. Cheers, BHB

'And that was a party political broadcast from the Liberal Democrat Party...' I am only joking, mind. I totally agree. Hang the f****r up by his bollocks. BHB

If Alf Ramsay had been able to do that and Greavsie had scored, he'd never have drunk so much! Or, conversely, he might have drunk twice as much by way of consequent celebration. Alcoholism is tricky beast to predict. Cheers, BHB

Yes, belated happy returns to Tomb Raider and happy birthday to Olveres. Cheers, BHB

my mate ian on the left, i'm on the right, and tizz in the middle. great night... What is your mate, Ian, doing with his right hand? I'm undecided between whether he's cocking an imaginary finger pistol, stroking his nipple or about to offer Matty some strange, mutated Masonic handshake. Not since TLC's profile photo have I seen such interesting fingers. That photo wasn't taken in the pub, Le Tissier's Feet, by any chance was it? Cheers, BHB

This is a shame. Heart attack, so I ascertain from szhengd's link. Given the high, squeaky pitch of his voice I bet those last gasps for breath would have made an interesting ringtone. Cheers, BHB

CP, I'm confused by this. Obviously Macca will outlive them all & be the sole remaining Beatle, as he's sold his soul to Beelzebub, but Ringo's still alive, isn't he? And would Pete Best, the original drummer be counted? Or have I completely misunderstood your post? Um, I think you have misunderstood. If you selected 'any one Beatle', then you'd get a hit if one of them died. One did die (several years later), so that can be counted as a success under the cumulative list thingy that OoO was trying to achieve. What he said. Okay, thanks for the clarification. It's all as clear as a view from a bathroom window to me now... Cheers, BHB

Since the entry for The Beatles was technically "Any one Beatle" Shouldn't that be removed from the list, since Harrison died in 2001? CP, I'm confused by this. Obviously Macca will outlive them all & be the sole remaining Beatle, as he's sold his soul to Beelzebub, but Ringo's still alive, isn't he? And would Pete Best, the original drummer be counted? Or have I completely misunderstood your post? Probably, which is why I normally try to conceal myself in the shadows making lame quips and puns, as against stepping into the light and getting involved with the actual death prediction stuff.... Cheers, BHB

It always amuses me when people talk about Keef Richards as if he's a medical marvel and ponder over whether it's the narcotics he's taken that have kept him going. The bloke's only a year older than my mother &, quite frankly, looks like sh*t. My mother, however, looks fit and healthy, despite a lifetime of overindulging in Tia Maria and Coke. Sure, Richards' body looks fittish and sinewy, but so did mine when I was necking amphetamines like jelly babies. One look at his face and hair tells an entirely different story, as they appear to belong to someone in their early eighties. It's the same with Stephen Tyler and Alice Cooper. In fact, the only rocker I can summon to mind who does actually look the same as he did 20 years ago despite drug and alcohol abuse is Lemmy. And I should imagine that that's scant consolation when you were an ugly wart faced f**k to start with anyway... Zammo and co were right all along you know...kids, just say no. Cheers, BHB

I dont suppose Keiths comments about his fathers ashes would have helped his mothers condition very much... He'll be rolling a fresh £50 for her as we speak. I bet she's stipulated she's buried. Under 49000 tonnes of lead. If she is I'll be checking for location details of the grave- as Sid James might have said, 'that's a helluva lot of scrap metal...' I'm off to B&Q to look at wheelbarrows... Cheers, BHB

Oo-er! It wasn't you in the yellow Fiat behind me on the M6 south of Birmingham early yesterday evening was it? Not that anything you have posted thus far suggests you might be the type of person lacking in taste enough to own a yellow Fiat, you understand, but it was awfully close to my back bumper and wouldn't overtake even if I dropped below 50 mph. I suppose there is an outside possibility that it might have been Windsor of course, but I have him down in my mind as owning a British made automobile- if there is such a thing these days. Cheers, BHB

Actually you went a way for a while and I somehow managed to forget about you. (A luxury I do not award to the regular deathlisters). Ouch! I'm cut! However, I should like to point out that whilst I was away, I never forgot about you. Whenever I saw a picture of our dear, beloved Queen, I always immediately thought of your good self. Cheers, BHB

Amongst other things no doubt, you smutty minded young man. Not an insult, just an observation. Ah, TLC, I fear you know me too well... Cheers, BHB

Welcome aboard, Lord Fellatio! I see you have made friends with our Windsor already. I remember being told to leave by his good self in the past, but I stuck around until my witty banter, charisma and general all round charm won him over. Can you do the same, one wonders? Cheers, BHB