machotrouts

Might be saving it for the "And finally" fun story

"Prince Philip is in good spirits" actually means "Prince Philip has died and become a spirit"

It's a good thing someone picked him or you'd have had nothing to post. My gift to the community.

Preemptive congratulations to the following 25 people for seeing 2022. My 2021 survivors squad: Queen Elizabeth II David Attenborough Billy Connolly Donald Trump Dick Van Dyke Angela Lansbury Jerry Lee Lewis Paul Gascoigne Bobby Charlton Shannen Doherty Rob Burrow Doddie Weir Bill Turnbull George Alagiah Olivia Newton-John Betty White Rolf Harris Henry Kissinger Prunella Scales Murray Walker Norman Lloyd Sarah Harding Tom Parker Larry King Prince Philip SUB: Sidney Poitier (Bearing in mind I picked Barbara Windsor at #1 last year... preemptive R.I.P. to the Queen?)

My mum has made a team. I told her about the Inverse Dead Pool, and she said "oh, that sounds nice! I'll play!". With the precedent of Sir Creep and "Team Wean" a couple of years ago, I hope it's okay if I send it on her behalf? She's a DDP participant, but not a forum member. (I still intend to submit my own team, shortly before midnight.) machotrouts' mum's team: Sarah Harding Olivia Newton-John Yoko Ono Queen Elizabeth II Jean-Louis Trintignant Tom Parker Greg Gilbert Paul Gascoigne Susan Bayh Jimmy Carter Tom Smith Rob Burrow Doddie Weir Dick Van Dyke Angela Lansbury Betty White Desmond Tutu Bobby Charlton Shannen Doherty Murray Walker Prunella Scales Jimmy Greaves George Alagiah Willie Nelson Norman Lloyd SUB: Sidney Poitier

What happens in the Inverse Dead Pool if a pick dies but doesn't get a qualifying obit for DDP purposes? Are they still a "hit" here? (Just wondering whether or not it's worth picking Susan Bayh.)

It's a team with a clear and specific premise that obviously disqualifies it from serious competition, with a narrow enough purview that it has 13 unique picks. Sorry for coming up with a theme team concept more creative than 20 Cunts With The Same Career, I guess?

Post-match analysis of my "hits" this year: 1. Terry Jones, 6 points. I haven't got a good grasp of how all the different kinds of dementia stack up against each other. I just keep comparing everyone to Prunella Scales and then getting confused when they don't survive as long as Prunella Scales. 2. Little Richard, 12 points. If he'd had any serious recent health issues I wasn't aware of them. Just a bloke in his 80s who'd still been making public appearances in 2019. Oh well. 3. Olivia de Havilland, 3 points. Can't grumble, as this was comparatively low – I went up a place in the leaderboard after this. 4. Ruth Bader Ginsburg, 14 points. Well, I certainly wasn't the only person invested in her survival. I figured she'd be fitted with cybernetic enhancements before this was allowed to happen. There were people offering her organs every time something went awry. She'd get cancer in her liver and Democrats would start tweeting it up like "TAKE MY LIVER I'M NOT USING IT", she'd get a bile duct infection and it's "TAKE MY BILE DUCTS I DON'T NEED THEM", she'd feel gender dysphoria and it's "TAKE MY DICK I'M DONE WITH IT", she'd get a circumcision and it's "TAKE MY FORESKIN I DON'T WANT IT". She had options. 5. Barbara Windsor, 25 points! Oops. Was I the only serious team whose #1 pick died? I really haven't got a good grasp of how all the different kinds of dementia stack up against each other.

R.I.P. hated him on 8 Out of 10 Cats

Bonus facts about my teams: This is the third incarnation of my #1 Hits team to feature a hot fresh new popstar in their very first year of eligibility – first Lil Wayne in 2018, then Demi Lovato in 2019, and now Captain Tom Moore in 2021. Vera Lynn set a record in 2019 as the only person to appear in all the first 4 incarnations of the #1 Hits team, and extended that record to 5 in 2020. Now she's out of contention for 2021, her record of 5 appearances is matched by Jane Morgan (who's been in every team but 2017) and Rolf Harris (every team but 2018). 5 people have featured on the far more static Unpersons team for all 6 years of its existence: Julie Goodyear, Lionel Blair, Ron Atkinson, Gary Busey, and Lauren Harries. David Graham, who is due to turn 96 in 2021, has been dropped from #1 Hits this year (replaced in the #20 slot by Bernard Cribbins, his bandmate in "Peter Kay's Animated All Star Band"). This, as far as I can work out, makes him the oldest eligible candidate I have ever not picked (he was the oldest eligible male outright, until Captain Tom came along). It's hard to confirm who the previous record holder was, but my best guess is 95-year-old Jimmy Young, a miss for my poorly researched 2016 debut. Kim Woodburn, 79 this year, also becomes the oldest person not to be picked for Unpersons, breaking Germaine Greer's record (78 when she last wasn't picked in 2017). Sarah Harding is the first person to be picked for both #1 Hits and Unpersons – she's #2 on both. She's been on Unpersons before – #20 in 2018 – but not on #1 Hits. (She was also featured on my mum's team in 2020 – after Sarah announced her cancer, my mum took her off for 2021 because she "felt guilty".) The unique honour of being eligible for all three of my teams goes to Fatman Scoop – he's had a #1 hit, he's been a Celebrity Big Brother housemate, and he happened to be one of the 4000 random Wikipedia biographies I opened. I did not pick him for any of them. Congratulations Fatman Scoop.

In this spoiler box is #1 Hits, my regular theme team of UK #1 hitmakers. Below it are 20 more people who were in consideration for the team. SUBSTITUTES: 21. Ernest Ranglin (Commonwealth Band) 22. Don Powell (Slade) 23. John Leyton 24. Plas Johnson (B. Bumble and the Stingers) (#17 last year) 25. David Graham (Peter Kay's Animated All Star Band) (#20 last year) 26. Chris Rea (Band Aid II) (#8 last year) 27. Jerry Lee Lewis (#13 last year) 28. Tommy Roe 29. Lena Martell 30. Shane MacGowan ("Various artists") 31. Grace Slick (Starship) 32. Craig Douglas 33. Billy J. Kramer 34. J.J. Barrie 35. John Edwards (Detroit Spinners) 36. Alan Lancaster (Status Quo) 37. Bobby Brown (New Edition) 38. Brian Harvey (East 17) 39. Hank Marvin 40. Eric Clapton In this spoiler box is Unpersons, my regular theme team of Big Brother housemates. Below it are 20 more people who were in consideration for the team. SUBSTITUTES 21. Kirstie Alley 22. Razor Ruddock 23. George Galloway 24. Kim Woodburn 25. Bruce Jones (#12 last year) 26. Rebekah Shelton (#19 last year) 27. Jim Davidson 28. Christopher Biggins 29. Chris Ellison 30. Carole Malone 31. Ivana Trump 32. Kellie Maloney (#18 last year) 33. Danniella Westbrook (#6 last year) 34. Daniel Baldwin 35. Alexander O'Neal 36. Rula Lenska 37. Stephanie Beacham 38. Wayne Sleep 39. Cheryl Fergison 40. Jason Cowan In this spoiler box is Special:RandomInCategory/Living_people, my new theme team of 20 people whittled down from 4000 random biographies on Wikipedia. Below it are 20 more people who were in consideration for the team. SUBSTITUTES 21. Jerry Yester 22. Mamie Von Doren 23. Don Walsh 24. Joan Collins 25. William Henry Furman 26. Abdel-Majed Abdel Bary 27. David McCullough 28. Richard Estes 29. Lee Redmond 30. Eileen McCallum 31. Armin Hary 32. Avery Corman 33. Emmanuel de Merode 34. Geoff Foulds 35. Baron von Raschke 36. Jacob Rothschild, 4th Baron Rothschild 37. Jacques Rancière 38. Willie Wood 39. Pino Donaggio 40. András Arató

These are my three theme teams for 2021. #1 Hits A theme team of people who've had a record peak at #1 in the UK Singles Chart (either solo or as part of a group). 6th year in the DDP. Last year's position on the team is given in brackets, where applicable. (new) Tom Parker (The Wanted) (new) Sarah Harding (Girls Aloud) (new) Captain Tom Moore (5) Willie Nelson (USA for Africa) (11) Harry Belafonte (7) David Crosby (The Byrds) (9) Chris Farlowe (3) Olivia Newton-John (new) Bobby Charlton (England World Cup Squad '70) (10) Jane Morgan (12) Rolf Harris (new) Lou Gramm (Foreigner) (new) Anne Nolan (The Crowd) (new) Dave Ball (Soft Cell) (new) Trevor Oakes (Showaddywaddy) (18) Tony Bennett (new) Eddie 'Tan Tan' Thornton (Georgie Fame and the Blue Flames) (new) Derv Gordon (The Equals) (new) Eric Burdon (The Animals) (new) Bernard Cribbins (Peter Kay's Animated All Star Band) This team had two hits in 2020: Vera Lynn (1) and Nobby Stiles (2). Two people died without a qualifying obit: Tony Baylis (4) and Dave Munden (16). Survivors dropped from the team are: Stevie Wonder (6), Chris Rea (8), Jerry Lee Lewis (13), Jerry Keller (14), Trevor Burton (15), Plas Johnson (17), Paul Gascoigne (19), and David Graham (20). Unpersons A theme team of Big Brother housemates (including Celebrity Big Brother and other spin-offs). 6th year in the DDP. Last year's position on the team is given in brackets, where applicable. (new) James Whale (re) Sarah Harding (2) Linda Nolan (4) Julie Goodyear (3) Ken Morley (7) Gary Busey (5) Lionel Blair (8) Michael Barrymore (10) Ron Atkinson (11) Amanda Barrie (new) Dirk Benedict (16) Ann Widdecombe (new) Winston McKenzie (new) Stephen Bear (17) Germaine Greer (new) Lesley Brain (new) Nikki Grahame (re) James Cosmo (re) Jessica Alves (20) Lauren Harries This team had one hit in 2020: Jackie Stallone (1). Survivors dropped from the team are: Danniella Westbrook (6), Paddy Doherty (9), Bruce Jones (12), Stephanie Davis (13), Lewis Bloor (14), Scotty T (15), Kellie Maloney (18), and Rebekah Shelton (19). Special:RandomInCategory/Living_people A new theme team in which I open 4000 random Wikipedia articles in the category 'Living people', and then narrow them down to the 20 who I believe are most likely to be hits this year. John Gwynne (commentator) Carmen Herrera Andy Gray (actor) George McGavin Dave Mustaine Bryson Foster Yusuf al-Qaradawi Line Renaud Bob Graham Lee Baca David Steel Alfredo Astiz Ron Ely George William Penrose, Lord Penrose Maria Charles Jeannette Altwegg Michael Blower Jong Kyong-thaek John F. MacArthur Playboi Carti Those are my three theme teams for 2021.

Uh oh.

When the vaccinations started, I got a BBC Breaking News notification that mentioned Margaret Keenan by name. She's a notable milestone in a major historical event, and I'd expect her to be mentioned in any history book dedicated to the pandemic, even if only as a footnote. She's clearly not "famous for being ill", not least because she's not even ill?

Dave Munden is on my #1 Hits DDP team; I'm only seeing this now while commencing research for the 2021 squad. Unfortunately, assuming that Barking and Dagenham Post won't cut it as a QO, it looks like he's my second List of the Lost-er of 2020, after Tony Baylis of the Wurzels. Gotta rack up some sex crime allegations if you want to make the national press as a Tremeloe.

People who find autographs interesting and valuable are psycho stalker freaks who should be in jail and celebrities who indulge them are egomaniacal narcissists and also should be in jail

Tony Baylis is on my DDP theme team of #1 hitmakers. He was 85, and apparently in poor health for a while – dementia, prostate cancer, frail and prone to falls. Parkinson's to top it off. Poor bloke had well and truly been through the thresher. He's not a scoring hit yet. He's one of the deepest cuts on my team, but there was a Wurzel who left before they'd even had a hit single (Reg Quantrill) who bagged several qualifying obits in 2016. Baylis was a member for 15 years, and one of only three members of their chart-topping lineup. He was also interviewed by BBC Somerset a few years ago. Top story on BBC Somerset last time I checked is a dog who swallowed a fishhook.

I am woman, here no more

I was so disillusioned when I first looked up Electric Six after seeing this video on TV and discovered she wasn't an actual member of the band. A presence.

This healthy glowing motherfucker is 112??? I have SHAGGED men who look older than this

I love dogs who become internet celebrities by being ugly as shit. Marnie started out looking bad and just kept getting worse and worse. Barely even recognisable as a single discrete object in her last days, let alone a dog. To clarify, she's not the dog on the left, but the pile of discarded dog parts on the right. Bitch looked like SHIT. What an icon. Rest in pieces ❤️

How would you tell?

Since then, Macbeth has been out of prison, and back in prison (and probably back out again by now). A quote from an article about his 2016 trial, in reference to his 2008 trial: "At the time I was going through a lot of stress with my throat. At the time it wasn’t clear whether cancer had come back." There's no further quote to say anything like "And it turned out it had! I've been dying ever since!". This seems to imply that he didn't have cancer at all in 2008, let alone terminal cancer. (He did previously have cancer in 2001.) This seems to be such a deadpooling cliché that it might be naive to ask, but: can you really just straight-up lie that you're terminally ill in court? Like... you don't need a doctor's note or anything? You can just rock up with a gippy throat and croak "dead soon" at the judge?