The Happy Reaper

Papers always use the phrase "fighting for his life" when somebody is in hospital. Though they never say who the opponent is... The opponent is always The Grim Reaper. They don't use the phrase "fighting for his life" if the person in hospital is a woman, otherwise that would be incorrect. That one went over my head at first!

You are Roy Hodgson AICMFP.

At the risk of somebody complaining that this question is in the wrong place... What's the significance of a person's position on the deathlist? I thought it was either random or determined by the number of votes they got when the list was being drawn up, but over on the football thread there's discussion on where to place various members of England's 1966 world cup team on next year's list. So what determines where any particular person goes?

Papers always use the phrase "fighting for his life" when somebody is in hospital. Though they never say who the opponent is...

I hadn't heard about this before. A bit creepy... Would he be eligible for the Deadpool given that he's only famous because he's undergoing the operation?

Take a selfie and post it here. ;-) Making sure you manscape it. Is she awake now, how did this end? Unbelievably the woman tied up her bra but still half asleep left one breast dangling as she walked round the pool back to her apartment. There are some German children who didn't sleep last night. I was too much of a gentlepenguin to film it.

Presumably whoever goes first will be waiting at the Pearly Gates for the other one, so he can say, "Ah, I've been expecting you, Mr. Bond!"

Silly me. I thought a former footballer's death would have been mentioned in the former footballers forum.

Dick Donnelly, East Fife goalkeeper in the early sixties and in recent years a well-known football reporter on BBC Radio Scotland. Died aged 74.

For those who thought this place was sick... http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-36389581

Thank God Gazza's holding his robe closed...

Hadn't seen that Scotty Moore had died.

Also in The Guns of Navarone so definitely obitable.

It's remarkable how many different incarnations there are to the same joke. The US version is a bear on the roof. Being the US, the man would just shoot it himself.

Mr Ponsonby-Smythe got a phone call from his wife, who was in a state of panic. "George!" she sobbed. "There's a gorilla in the apple tree in the front garden!" "A gorilla?" Mr Ponsonby-Smythe echoed. "Nonsense, woman. Have you been at the gin again?" "No, George," she replied. "It's a real gorilla - it must have escaped from the zoo or a circus or something. It's sitting in the apple tree growling at everyone who walks past. It's just thrown an apple at Mrs Bell from No. 23!" "Did it hit her?" Mr Ponsonby-Smythe asked, then said, "No, never mind that. I'll come home straight away." He drove home and, sure enough, as he pulled into the driveway he saw a huge, fierce gorilla in the apple tree. It spotted him and growled, then threw an apple at him - he only just ducked in time. He went into the house, where his wife was nervously looking out the window from behind the net curtain. "George, what are we going to do?" she asked. Mr Ponsonby-Smythe picked up the Yellow Pages. "It's simple, Miriam - there are bound to be professional people who can deal with this sort of thing." He looked up 'Gorilla Catchers' but there was only one firm listed. He dialled the number and after a few rings the phone was answered. "Bloggs and Wilson, Gorilla Catchers. Bloggs speaking!" "Good afternoon - my name is Ponsonby-Smythe. There is a gorilla in the apple tree in my garden, and I need you to come and catch it!" "I'm very sorry, sir," replied Bloggs. "I'm afraid Wilson is off sick at the moment, so we're unable to take on any jobs." "But this is urgent!" said Mr Ponsonby-Smythe. "It's in the tree, causing a scene - I'm sure the property values are reducing even as we speak! There must be something you can do!" "Well..." said Bloggs. "Catching a gorilla is a two-man job, but if you're willing to fill Wilson's role then we should be able to pull it off." "I'll do whatever it takes, " promised Mr Ponsonby-Smythe, and gave Bloggs his address. Twenty minutes later a battered Transit van bearing the sign "BLOGGS AND WILSON - GORILLA CATCHERS" pulled up outside. The driver got out and went round to the back of the van, opened the doors, and brought out a large rifle, a set of manacles, and a vicious-looking Rottweiler dog which barked and snarled. The man came up to the front door and rang the bell. "Good afternoon, sir. I'm Bloggs," said the man when Mr Ponsonby-Smythe answered. "I can see the gorilla in your tree - he's a big 'un, isn't he? We'd best get started right away." "That's fine," said Mr Ponsonby-Smythe. "What do I have to do?" "Well," replied Bloggs. "You stand there with the manacles while I climb the tree. I will wrestle with the gorilla and push him out of the tree. The instant he hits the ground, the dog is trained to leap forward and bite the gorilla's testicles. This will distract him long enough for you to put the manacles on him. Then I can load him into the back of the van and take him away." "I understand," said Mr Ponsonby-Smythe. "But what is the rifle for?" "That is actually the most important part of the whole operation," replied Bloggs. "If by any chance the gorilla should happen to push me out of the tree, you must instantly shoot the dog!"

HAHA!!! The scottish really are shit at football. Aye! But we're shit and we know it. You lot are shit but you don't know it. Sorry, I can't hear you I'm to busy making arrangements to watch my national team play their next Euro 2016 game. Smashing up pubs, terrorising the locals and then blaming it on the Russians? Just after that the cameras picked up Baddiel and Skinner in the crowd, looking utterly shell-shocked. A guy who runs a print shop here in Edinburgh got a photo of it, put it onto some T-shirts and made a fortune!

A bloke was on his first visit to a massage parlour. The masseuse was a very beautiful young lady, dressed in a white coat. Things were fine when she started on his neck and shoulders but as she worked her way down his body he started getting a bit turned on until finally he had a huge erection. The masseuse looked at the bulge in his towel, then leaned forward and whispered in his ear, "Would you like a wank?" "Yes, that would be fantastic!" said the man. The masseuse said, "Right. I'll be back in a couple of minutes," and left the room. The bloke tried to imagine what exotic costume she had gone to change into. A few minutes later the door opened slightly and the masseuse poked her head round it. "Have you finished?"

So when that book said "The cat sat on the mat" it wasn't lying?

Will she go out in a Blaise of glory?

i'm more likely to have no brain than I am being killed driving to the airport.you already have no brain so are you sure you want to drive to the airport. Yes. So I can lose my gallbladder. Should have put it in your hand luggage.

Relax; President Trump will send them packing and probs dig up Ali and deport him too. Ah yes, the criminal will dig up the bodies of mlk jr and malcom x as well. He'll deport me as well, because I'm a twat. No he won't.https://youtu.be/NXiK9xas7KU[/size] That's true. I am smart enough not support trump though. That's probably the smartest thing I've done lol. It's not exactly setting the bar very high, though.

A lorryload of SPAM has been hijacked. Police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

Sounds fishy if you ask me...

Deathray told us.https://forums.deathlist.net/topic/7758-things-to-do-while-waiting-for-death/page-30#entry267720 Sorry. I'm still working out what forum is best for new topics I start. So far I think I'm 0 for 2. How about actually researching what threads exist before launching new (and unnecessary) ones? Why do you feel compelled to start new fahkin threads as you aver? SC If by researching you mean checking all of the several thousand messages I haven't read, well I don't have time for that. I did check a few of the forums I thought such a topic might fall under; clearly I never thought of the one where it actually is. As for being compelled to start new threads, I've done that twice (including this one). And I've apologised both times. I suppose I'm lucky you're not one to bear a grudge.

Deathray told us. https://forums.deathlist.net/topic/7758-things-to-do-while-waiting-for-death/page-30#entry267720 Sorry. I'm still working out what forum is best for new topics I start. So far I think I'm 0 for 2.