TQR

Fucked by early 2021, I reckon. 96.

I mean if we want to get right to the dregs of humanity, having Mark Francois as Secretary of State for anything would mean I’d probably emigrate.

Nice one, Boris. Great Cabinet.

You couldn’t make it up. You really couldn’t.

This goes totally against the grain of stuff I usually listen to. Normally it's just shite I'll tolerate on a night out on the piss, but I actually like this. It's catchy.

Used in Spider-Man 3, 12 years ago. The song is infinitely better than the film, and the film wasn't bad.

Clegg a hit for myself. And the Unknown Man. And Banana. And Skinny, msc, drol, and Chorizo. SC, Book, Clorox and Roey. And John Key. GUN, Rad, DI, and finally Fixed Business. And Pedro. But that really is it. Apart from DDT.

Tory membership is only 0.3% of the electorate and they're choosing between a twat and a prat. But, of course, though we're not involved in the election, we're shafted one way or another by the result of it. Fair, innit? The Tories expect you to eat their arseholes and then punish and mock you for not knowing what wine goes best with arsehole.

Just watched the ITV Debate: Britain’s Next Prime Minister. That was just about the worst thing I’ve ever seen. Ever. The single worst thing. Not just politically, I mean out of everything. Jesus riverdancing Christ. Childish arguing, no real scrutiny for either of them, just Johnson doing nothing but being a gibbering arse tumour of a human being and answering questions by making the moronic (and entirely Tory voting or occasional Tory voting, apparently) audience laugh and forget what the question was, and Hunt just generally sounding like a 28 carat shite and failing to provide any detail (particularly about his “10 point plan for Brexit”, which he brought with him but never showed, explained or even touched on the content of it). Best case scenario, aside from both their chauffeur driven Jags crashing head on into each other on the way home, is that Hunt becomes PM and is at best only as shit as Theresa May. But I’m willing to believe that more than 50% of the Tory membership are morons, who’ll naturally vote Johnson because they haven’t the mental capacity for fear of this absolute weapons grade shithouse fisting this already broken country to the gall bladder with his sheer ineptitude. If you haven’t seen it but are planning to catch up on it, make sure you’re in a foul mood already so there’s no fucking comedown. Get on a plane, everyone in the UK. We’re buggered.

This is disgusting. Just let the family grieve in peace.

My phone’s autocorrect is such a bastard. To my embarrassment, I’ve just texted my mate asking if he wanted to go for a wank by the river. I meant the canal.

I can see that cocktail catching on in all high end bars in the city. Beats a fucking espresso martini, anyway.

His kidneys are packing in; he's down for a transplant in September.

Yes! I'm not last! I'm second-last!

A song to play in the car, on your own, doing 100, with the sun setting and the volume right up. Glorious.

Leah until she dies I die, more than likely.

Just downloaded Crash Team Racing - Nitro Fuelled on PS4, as a bit of light relief from all the cuntiness life brings. Pungent wafts of nostalgia are floating my way. As far as I’m concerned, I’m 5 years old again, on the PSOne, on the original CTR, I’m sprawled out on a little bean bag, I’ve got a Sunny Delight and I’m definitely not sad.

Arse.

Newly elected Brexiter MEPs turned their backs when they all stood and played Ode To Joy. This is the calibre of people you get in Nigel Farage's poisonous little party. They get to represent our country, each and every one of them in their quest to garner some attention and be 'defiant' acting like a toddler deliberately shitting its pants, while having the gall to accept their £6k a month salary (after tax & NI) from this otherwise peaceful organisation they despise so much. Petty little cunts.

New, and actually rather good.

My list was utter horsewank, pieced together whilst drunk at Christmas and full of mindless punts. Hopefully, this'll be some minor damage limitation. Fuck off: Danniella Westbrook Lil Xan Barbara Windsor Demi Lovato Sinead O’Connor ...and die: Genesis P-Orridge Kathleen Blanco Johnny Clegg Sam Lloyd Greg Gilbert

Ooh it's a strong final. Very strong. Fucked if I know more than 5 of the names so it must be good. Best of luck!

Given that this is the Five4Three2One Deadpool, I thought I'd actually plump for a score for each. Classic format and all that. 1 point) Ivan Milat 2) Fernando Ricksen 3) Kathleen Blanco 4) Angie Douthit 5) Lee Kerslake

Not a band, but for me it's got to be George Ezra. Every time I hear 'Shotgun' I dream about how much I'd love to have a large shite down his windpipe. As for bands... I agree with Clorox, Black Eyed Peas can definitely get in the bin. So can Keane, as it happens. And Westlife. And The Beatles. And OMD. And Oasis.